Being A Creeper

I do have to keep telling myself this, but: No, I'm not a creeper. Of course, who really thinks they are a creeper? It takes a really creepy person to acknowledge that they are a creeper, and then not care. Anyway, the point is: everyone has some creepy qualities that they probably don't think about, but other people look at and think...eew. To you and me, our habits are normal, but sometimes we need an outside eye to show us where to draw the line.

I first realized it last week after reading a novel for class. In the novel, "40 Signs of Rain" there is a character who sees a woman who he thinks would be a suitable mate for reproduction (he thinks this because he sees she has strong legs that would be ideal for outrunning predators on the savanna--I kid you not) so he follows her for a while. He didn't even have any intentions on his mind, he just wanted to follow her. He follows her so long that eventually they end up in an elevator together alone. If you want to know what happens next you'll have to read it.

Anyway, When reading this scene in the book, I didn't really think much of it. I kind of read it just like another plot point and continued. I was surprised, however, to get to class and find the teacher making such a huge deal about what a creeper this guy was. I guess when you stop and think about it--it is a little bit strange to go out of your way to follow someone that you've never met, just because you think they are attractive. On the other hand, I'm not sure if it's any less creepy to follow someone  that you DO know. The point was--I just read through it and didn't find it creepy until someone else pointed it out to me; it made me wonder what some creepy habits I might have that go unnoticed. 

I can't say that I've actually ever followed someone random down the street, let alone get in an elevator with them, but I think my biggest catalyst to creepiness would be Facebook. I'm not even sure how it starts. I might be on the "people you may know" page, or see a picture of someone who looks familiar on a friends profile, and then I'll click it. And then I'll check out some of their pictures, and see another familiar name or face and before you know it, I've found the profile of some random person in Iowa and I'm reading their quote wall, or trying to figure out their religious beliefs, political preferences, and their hobbies. I'll never message them, or meet them, or even see them, but I think I just like finding out about people.

I know that when we look at ourselves, we tend to let certain flaws or characteristics slide as opposed as when we judge others. Well, with some things I judge myself more harshly, but that is a general rule of thumb.  Maybe I do need to tighten up the bolts on my creepiness before it gets out of hand and someone notices. 

But anyway, I guess it comes down to it. I'm a creeper. 

A Letter

Hey Future me, whats up dude!?!

I know you are very wealthy and good looking, intelligent and popular, and think I'm kinda weird, but unless you've changed into a jerk, I know you can read over this like you are getting a letter from an old friend. I'm a friend for my part at least. I mean, I really hope you haven't changed into a jerk--that would ruin almost everything that I've striven for so far in my life. I've written you letters before, and  whenever I've gotten them I've always just skimmed them non-nonchalantly and thought they were pretty awkward and a little bit stupid. I shake my head because past me was so petty and immature. I know you won't judge me like that though because I'm more mature now than when I read those letters before, and I know that you are more mature than I am now.

Writing to you sucks because I can tell you anything and everything in an attempt to get it off my mind, but this relationship is kinda one-sided because you never write me back. I really wish you would. I'm sure the laws of physics will be able to be broken by the time you get around to this so it shouldn't be a problem.

I know there is that witty remark about how the destination isn't as important as the journey--yea, yea--but I really just wish you could share some of your wisdom with me! How did you do it man? How did you make it to where you are now? I could really use some of those nuggets you have attained over the years. How did you let go of the things that shouldn't have been dwelt on, and forget the things that were unimportant? I hate to be burdening you with all my crap--I'm sure that you've got some of your own to deal with, but I wish you could just let out one of your little laughs that you do, pat me on the back and tell me that it's not going to be so bad. Everything that I worry about now is pretty insignificant to the problems that I'll face coming up. Ugh, That's not much of a consolation. But in the same way that I thought it was the end of the world if I missed  a homework assignment in high school, and thought it was more of the end of the world if I failed a test in college, I know that you will be able to tell me with certainty that everything going on now isn't going to be an issue at all. It will work itself out.

Please. Just tell me it will work out for the best. That's all I want to know. And maybe a lotto number or great novel idea.

I can't really explain this. I know I don't have to though, because you've already been here. You know what it's like.

Your best bud,

Matt

P.S. I'd appreciate an answer pretty soon. I know you will be able to time it so I get it in the minute or two before I send this, with all the capabilities of physics in the future. I'm not into the whole delayed gratification thing so it would be awesome if I could get a reply before I even send this off. Even though I consider myself a very patient person, sometimes it's hard to keep everything in check.

[Date xx/xx/xxxx Confidential: Matt Struven] A reply

Hey Matt!

I've had to call in quite a few favors to do this. Especially the "pre-other post" bit that you threw in there; you are so difficult sometimes. You and your little cry for help has cost me quite a pretty penny, but this should arrive right on time. Actually, it's slightly illegal too, so don't go telling anyone what I did. The character limit on this letter is pretty small because the technology is relatively new. I shall be brief on this one and hopefully when the technology matures a little bit I will be able to send you a longer, more in-depth one in the future. Of course, you will actually be in the future by then, so you will be the one writing this to your past self, like I am doing now. (But un-illegally of course) (It's confusing, don't worry about it. This is why you chose to be an English Major, remember!)

No, I'm not a jerk, I'm rather awesome (In the most humble way possible), but I think if I told you how everything turned out, it would ruin your life. You would become complacent and let everything fall into your lap. You might even ruin the future that you have by missing out on opportunities with the thought that everything will turn out fine. My only words to you are that nothing is certain; even what you have been told is certain  is not. People and circumstances change all the time, and the littlest choice can have the most profound effect. You already know this, but I need to reiterate it because in times of sorrow you sometimes feel complacent about your choices. 

You need to work for what you want and find people to invest in who will take care of you no matter what. Be strong and move on from the dead things in your life that do you no good. I can't tell you how, you have to figure it out for yourself. If I help the butterfly out of his cocoon, the blood won't have gotten forced into his now useless wings by the difficult endeavor, and he will die alone on the ground; so much potential wasted. 

You screw  up things sometimes, just like  people screw with you sometimes, but the past is the past and there is nothing to be done about it. Forgive, don't hold a grudge. Accept forgiveness and change your ways. Some people cannot be trusted and some people wish only the best for you, but you often don't know which is which until it's too late. 

I'm still not exactly sure what I wanted to hear, but I know that this will help anyway because sometimes you just need to know you aren't alone. 

Your friend,

Matt

P.S.  You live in the computer age. You can edit text right there. You don't need to use 'P.S.' all the time. I know you are trying to be classy and humorous, but get over yourself.

P.P.S Sorry, I'm still a hypocrite. 

P.P P.S. Actually, it does feel kind of good :) 

P.P.P.P.S. Old man's Memoirs. You know what I mean. 

The Funny Side of Life

It's funny, when you think you are going to die. Well, definitely not funny in the moment...but looking back on it, I find it funny. Before you go calling me psychotic and crazy, in this case, funny isn't like "Haha, that was funny and I'm going to laugh" funny;  funny as in... interesting. Intriguing. Now, I've seen people scared before.  Screaming scared. Scared white. Scared and a couple drops of pee came out. I'm not sure if these people weren't convinced they were going to die or not; I  was. I don't tend to freak out in these situations.

It's only happened to me a couple times. Two to be exact, before now. Both were in the water. One, I was ocean swimming in North Carolina and I was super tired cause I'd been at it for a while. All the sudden I realized that I was pretty far out and really far away from where everyone else was and I wasn't making headway into the land because of the current. No matter how hard I tried I just couldn't make any more distance. Well, obviously I'm sitting here writing this so I did end up living--but I thought I was going to fatigue out and not make it in.

The second, water skiing. My dad was driving the boat and I was behind, about to get towed and I found the rope wrapped around me neck and I was getting dragged along while under the surface. I was holding my breath  but I was still getting towed by my head and I had water coming up my nose and into my mouth; obviously I managed to survive that one too.

This last recent one, well I just couldn't breath. No particular reason. I stood there for a good 30 seconds gasping to no avail; I probably looked like a fish, standing up, arms above my head, mouth open. Finally, I got the  breath. Events  like this had been happening for a week or so, and I'd even been  suddenly waking up at night unable to breath. Finally I got another breath, and another, and calmed down a little bit. After I had stabilized, I sat down and thought to myself, "I probably won't live through the night." And I didn't care.

This isn't to say that I hate living; I still have potential for my life that I want to live out. It worries me that I'm so complacent about dying though. After I had the thought of mortality, I sat down and kept doing my homework. So much for epic "last night on earth" scenarios  that I've played with my friends over and over in the past. Well, I'm not sure if I was complacent or...peaceful. Sure, in a moment before death there can be the initial physical shock of pain, or the panic because of water in the lungs or a lack of oxygen; my body was gasping, but mentally I was...peaceful. Unworried. Maybe because I know that everyone dies. Maybe because I realize if I'm meant to die then I'm meant  to die and nothing is going to stop it, and if I'm not meant to die, then I'm not going to die.

I went to the ER. Apparently there is nothing wrong with me. Tell my body that--it's the one that still can't breath. Maybe I will die in my sleep tonight, or the next night, or the next, and I've simply been writing my future down on the page. I did finish my homework tonight  though, and what a better way to spend a last night on earth than by leaving the last thoughts of my brain on a website for everyone to see. I hope all my grammar and spelling are correct.

Of course, to quote the Joker, "...in their last moments,  people show you who they really are."

What does  this tell me about who I am?

Meeting New People

Think about all the people that you know. No, not all at once; just a few. Think about the ones that are closest to you. Except your blood family. Choose a couple of the most important ones and think about how you met them. Choose the  ones who have influenced you as the person that you are, and the choices that you have made in your life.

Perhaps you met them at:

Work
School
Church
Neighbors
A friend's house

Maybe you don't even remember, but more often than not, you met these people in a place you wouldn't normally associate with meeting people, or in a situation you wouldn't have imagined.

Growing up  in  my home town for 23 years, I had quite a base of people that I knew. Everywhere that I went I would see people that I knew and that knew me. Every time I would go to the store I would see someone I knew working, or walking around, and just driving places I was bound to see a familiar face on the road.

No longer. I go to the store now and don't get  a glance from anyone. I don't see people that I know when I go to the park, or stop at the gas station. I definitely took it for granted. I don't know anybody in this town, and I don't know how to meet them. I mean sure, I had 23 years to work on it in my home town and I don't expect to be the most popular guy on the street within two weeks; I think it will take AT LEAST a month.

I have a friend who was selling a small dresser on Craigslist. Last week he got married to the girl who showed up to buy it. Another friend who was running a marathon in place of someone who had registered but was unable to. He is now married to a  girl he met there.

There are no places conducive to just MEETING people who are looking to be met though. You kind of just have to live your life and hope that some good ones pop up. You can't think, "Today I'm going to meet my best friend" and then just go find them. You never know when you are going to meet someone who changes the course of your life and diverts your path in new directions. If that's not one good reason to shower and brush your teeth every day, I don't know what is.