The Funny Side of Life

It's funny, when you think you are going to die. Well, definitely not funny in the moment...but looking back on it, I find it funny. Before you go calling me psychotic and crazy, in this case, funny isn't like "Haha, that was funny and I'm going to laugh" funny;  funny as in... interesting. Intriguing. Now, I've seen people scared before.  Screaming scared. Scared white. Scared and a couple drops of pee came out. I'm not sure if these people weren't convinced they were going to die or not; I  was. I don't tend to freak out in these situations.

It's only happened to me a couple times. Two to be exact, before now. Both were in the water. One, I was ocean swimming in North Carolina and I was super tired cause I'd been at it for a while. All the sudden I realized that I was pretty far out and really far away from where everyone else was and I wasn't making headway into the land because of the current. No matter how hard I tried I just couldn't make any more distance. Well, obviously I'm sitting here writing this so I did end up living--but I thought I was going to fatigue out and not make it in.

The second, water skiing. My dad was driving the boat and I was behind, about to get towed and I found the rope wrapped around me neck and I was getting dragged along while under the surface. I was holding my breath  but I was still getting towed by my head and I had water coming up my nose and into my mouth; obviously I managed to survive that one too.

This last recent one, well I just couldn't breath. No particular reason. I stood there for a good 30 seconds gasping to no avail; I probably looked like a fish, standing up, arms above my head, mouth open. Finally, I got the  breath. Events  like this had been happening for a week or so, and I'd even been  suddenly waking up at night unable to breath. Finally I got another breath, and another, and calmed down a little bit. After I had stabilized, I sat down and thought to myself, "I probably won't live through the night." And I didn't care.

This isn't to say that I hate living; I still have potential for my life that I want to live out. It worries me that I'm so complacent about dying though. After I had the thought of mortality, I sat down and kept doing my homework. So much for epic "last night on earth" scenarios  that I've played with my friends over and over in the past. Well, I'm not sure if I was complacent or...peaceful. Sure, in a moment before death there can be the initial physical shock of pain, or the panic because of water in the lungs or a lack of oxygen; my body was gasping, but mentally I was...peaceful. Unworried. Maybe because I know that everyone dies. Maybe because I realize if I'm meant to die then I'm meant  to die and nothing is going to stop it, and if I'm not meant to die, then I'm not going to die.

I went to the ER. Apparently there is nothing wrong with me. Tell my body that--it's the one that still can't breath. Maybe I will die in my sleep tonight, or the next night, or the next, and I've simply been writing my future down on the page. I did finish my homework tonight  though, and what a better way to spend a last night on earth than by leaving the last thoughts of my brain on a website for everyone to see. I hope all my grammar and spelling are correct.

Of course, to quote the Joker, "...in their last moments,  people show you who they really are."

What does  this tell me about who I am?