Stream of Consciousness 3

So I’m sitting in the library right now and I got one of their little mini laptops that you can checkout for free for two hours and oh man the penalty is harsh if you don’t turn it in on time cause its like 400 bucks but I wonder if they would really charge me if I was like a minute late or something or if they just say that to try to scare everyone so that nobody steals it or holds it for too long a time, but anyway this laptop kind of sucks because for some reason it wont connect to the internet. I don’t know if they disabled all the internet on these public laptops because people are always doing stupid things on them or if this laptop is just broken but I even tried some of the tricks I learned in my Computer Network Engineering classes and I still couldn’t fix it. Oh well I don’t feel too bad because that was my major over a year ago, but I do feel kind of bad because I probably didn’t learn as much as I should have in those classes. My waterbottle says UCSB on it even though I don’t go to UCSB. I hope I get into UCSB because that would be awesome and i want to stay in Santa Barbara because its awesome here and I know lots of people already but at the same time I think it would be an awesome experience to move somewhere else and meet lots of new people and just try new things and be a different person. Of course I’m not sure how different of a person I would be or if I would like the person I would become or if I even want to change. Well of course there are some social things that I would want to change, but would I be faking who I am if I try to change those things when I move somewhere else. I mean when you meet new people you are constantly recreating yourself but I wow Im really tired all the sudden and overwhelmed but yea I don’t want to be a fake person because thats dumb, and I don’t totally hate the person that I am but sometimes I wish I were different and had different experiences growing up and was raised differently because I would definitely have turned out different. Maybe not better but I might be satisfied. No, the grass is always greener on the other side. I probably would be wishing to be in the posistion that I am now if I had been raised differently and turned out to be a different person. Life is weird like that. Man I played this really funny role in acting class today. It was freakin hilarious and it might end up being one of the final peices that we publicly perform and I think it would be cool to perform it but there is a ton of really bad language in it and lots of inappropriate things that are said and that is part of the reason that It is funny, but I would want to invite lots of people to come see it and most of the people that I know would be super offended by all the foul language and judge me but its not my fault because i was assigned it but anyway I wish I didn’t care what they thought. If they like it then they like it and if they get all butthurt about it, it is their own fault. I will be sure to warn them that there is lots of foul language and tell them not to come if they will get offended, but I don’t really have a problem saying it because its part of a scene. I mean, I dont really talk like that all the time in real life—sure sometimes stuff slips, but I dont usually say those bad words so often—but I’m sure that I would still be judged because thats just the way most of the people that I know are and the ones that I have known a long time would be all disappointed in me and think to themselves that I am a horrible person and all of the super uptight christians would mutter amongst themselves and I wish that I didn’t care but I know that for some reason I do and I don’t know why because its not like I’m playing me while Im on the stage, I’m just saying words for entertainment that some other random person wrote down I don’t even know how many years ago but its still funny oh man this is getting to be pretty long but whatever I think I’ll just keep typing until I get bored or need to sleep before my spanish class because I still have like an hour and a quarter before I need to go but like I said I can’t even upload this directly to the internet because there is no internet on this laptop so I’ll just have to put it on my flash drive because I’m writing this in MSW2K7 right now and then put it on my computer at home and then just copy and paste it onto my blog for everyone to see but nobody to read except maybe one person every month but I bet they wont even read the whole thing cause its just going to be one big fat non-paragraphed block of text that is going to be really difficult to read. HEY YOU, if you got this far than congradulations I would give you a prize but I think its prize enough that you are getting to see into my mind. Of course maybe its rather boring and you were about to stop reading and now you are super engaged because I was referring to you but thats it I don’t think I will think about you anymore you should probably go find something better to do than read the stream of consciousness from some random dude on the internet whose thoughts are really sporatic and don’t really make much sense sense sense six senses the sixth sense was a weird movie with a twist at the end that wasnt even about sharks but about how bruce willis was murdered and you didn’t e even know he was dead until the end of the movie but if you havn’t seen it now I just ruined it for you but hey it was a pretty decent movie anyway with a really good plotline and a twist at the end but yea I just told you. Hey I’m referring to you again whoever you are. Maybe you is future me and I’m going to read this in like a year and feel really awkward and hope that nobody else saw it. Thats kind of what happens whenever I write myself letters from the future. I’ve done that lots of times at least 6 and i am always surprised to get the letter and sometimes I remember exactly what I wrote in the letter and I remember exactly where I was and what I was thinking and feeling when I wrote it and sometimes I didn’t even remember that I wrote it and its just like someone else wrote it and I read it and the past me is always like, “Hey future me, I hope you are awesome because I totally suck right now and I want to be awesome someday. I know you have totally moved on with your life from where I am in the present and I want to congradulate you on the fact that you now are filthy rich and have a really attractive girlfriend and you are really popular and you have done something with your life etc. Etc.” But I always read it and feel horrible cause none of it is true and I havn’t moved on with my life and I’m in the same spot as I was as when I wrote it and nothing has changed. And that isnt the point of the letter. Actually I’m not even sure what the point of the letter is. Yea wow that was really bad I’m a horrible person cause I just saved this for the first time. You are supposed to save every couple minutes which usually I’m pretty good about because I just press Ctrl-S and it automatically saves it but I wasn’t even thinking cause I’ve been on autopilot just typing for a while now dang I actually have typed a lot, I wish that essays were this easy. Well maybe they are for mexican girls. Haha that was a bad joke but I just inserted it right there but anyway yea I finally just saved it onto my flash drive and I’ll just go home and upload it onto my blog and then I’ll forget about it and I don’t really have anything going on tonight but I have rugby practice tomorrow but thats whatever. I guess for the past week and four days I’ve just been kind of whatever cause when I have a goal or something to try to attain at least I can focus on that but when there is no goal I don’t really know what I’m doing and there isnt really any motivation for me and I can’t just say to myself “OH MAN, THIS IS MY NEW GOAL” I have to actually want to do it from the inside cause I can’t really fake myself out; I’m too smart for that. Sometimes I use apostrophies and sometimes I don’t. It really bugs me when stuff isn’t uniform throughout a whole piece I’m pretty OCD like that but I think for this I’m not even going to spell check or grammar check it because I don’t even really care. Saved. I wonder if this is even really stream of consciousness because even though I can type really fast and really accurately relatively at least compared to most people, I still can’t type as fast as I can think and sometimes my brain goes all over all the way to a different subject and back and changes again like twice before I’m even done typing the first one out and theres no way that I can even type all that stuff quickly enough so I just ignore it. I wonder if it would work better if I were to say stuff outloud into a recorder and then type it out later but no, I don’t think that would work either because I can still think waaaaaaaay, there were lots of A’s in there, faster than I can speak. And I read somewhere a while ago that this is why people stutter and stuff is because their minds can move a lot faster than they can speak so their mouth automatically tries to catch up with their mind and I stutter sometimes but not a lot but I think thast because I deliberately, wow I couldn’t think of that word for like 5 seconds how embarassing, talk slower so that I don’t stutter, but then when Im really excited, oops, forgot the apostrophy there, everything kind of just bumbles out and people look at me funny and then it gets awkward, theres lots of doubleyews in that word really close to each other, but I don’t really care. I find it hard to care about lots of stuff these days. Good thing I finished my spanish homework earlier today cause I really don’t feel like doing it at all right now and I’m just going to keep typing for a bit more but anyway, I just feel like I don’t care. I mean, i am still going through the motions of lots of stuff because I don’t want to be stupid and ruin the rest of my life by just not giving a ratt’s butt (I restrained myself from saying ass there. Oops I just said it) so i keep doing the things that I think will help me out in the future, but I don’t really want to go to school. I mean, I think that it is something that I want to finish for my own sake just so I can prove to everyone else that I am educated, and because I want to be more intelligent because that is something that I value, even if lots of other people don’t value intelligence and just are hedonistic. I wish I was more hedonistic. Wow, I just hit 2097 words, obviously it’s more now, but thats what it was right when I finished the word “hedonistic”. I wonder if I will live to the year 2097. I doubt it, that would mean that I would live to be 100 and oh man I suck at man, um 107 years old wow that was embarassing how long it took me to do that math. I don’t really like math. I used to be pretty good at it, but I didn’t like it. Wow thats even more embarassing because I just pulled up the calculator on the computer and it was 108, not 107 but anyway I wonder what the average life span is going to be later on. Back in the day when they started social security people would die at like the age of 70 or earlier and thats why social security worked—because not lots of people were collecting on it, but now that the average life span is like...I don’t know exactly, like 80 for men and 86 for women, tons more people are collecting from it and its broke and broken brokeded. I like saying words funnily. But I wonder how long I will live to be and if I will die of old age or get cancer or some other weird illness or if something interesting will kill me like an alien apocolypse, I think I spelled that wrong, or maybe i’ll get hit by a car, or maybe something else interesting like a gorilla will escape from the zoo and be climbing on my roof and break through and accidently fall on me and crush my neck and kill me instantly. I guess I’m not really afraid to die, I mean, yea I don’t want to die yet because there are lots of things that I havn’t experienced that I want to experience, hehe, but I’m not really afraid to die. I don’t really want to die painfully though, that would totally suck. I’ve heard one of the most peaceful ways to die is hypothermia. I really hate being cold, but apparently you just get really cold, and then you get numb and can’t feel anything, and then you just fall asleep! I love sleeping. Burning would totally suck for the first minute or so and then all your nerves get so damaged you can’t feel anything, but that would still suck for like a minute, but one of the most common ways to die that I wouldn’t want would be to drown. That would just suck to be suffocating and having water in your lungs and then your body reflexively trying to breath more and just sucking more in and then you are awake the whole time and then ugh, yea I don’t want to think about it anymore. Lets think about sometimes else. Like fairies and butterflies and cinnamon. Girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice. Boys are made of snips and snails and puppydog tails (AW, poor puppies! ) and tigers are made of Dragonflies and Kaddydids, but mostly chewed up little kids. Haha, Calvin and Hobbes is so awesome. Totally best comic strip ever, followed closely by the Far Side. There are some other ones after that that I don’t hate reading, but those two are definitely my favorfite ones they are just so funny. I love funny. Funny makes me laugh. Laugh makes me feel good. When you feel good you don’t feel bad. I hate thinking about lots of stuff because remember how my mind works really fast? Well my mind works so fast that whenever I think of certain things, my mind automatically connects them to other things and then when I think about those things I feel emotionally crappy and yea uhhuh thats that. I guess phil says that I just need to make new memories to push the old ones away so that I don’t have to think about them anymore. Phils a great guy. Hes imperfect and annoying sometimes and obnoxious and overly testosterous, I don’t think thats a real word but I know what I mean, but he means well and he gives advice that he really thinks is good and I think there is truth to it, even if its hard to take. Anyway, there is so much more that I could go on about, and sometimes writing about stuff makes me feel better but right now this is making me feel worse because there is so much that I don’t understand, and wish I could understand and wish I could change, but I’m so helpless and I realize it and it makes me feel horrible but I think I’m just going to sleep now because sleeping is a good way to check out for a while.