A Letter

Hey Future me, whats up dude!?!

I know you are very wealthy and good looking, intelligent and popular, and think I'm kinda weird, but unless you've changed into a jerk, I know you can read over this like you are getting a letter from an old friend. I'm a friend for my part at least. I mean, I really hope you haven't changed into a jerk--that would ruin almost everything that I've striven for so far in my life. I've written you letters before, and  whenever I've gotten them I've always just skimmed them non-nonchalantly and thought they were pretty awkward and a little bit stupid. I shake my head because past me was so petty and immature. I know you won't judge me like that though because I'm more mature now than when I read those letters before, and I know that you are more mature than I am now.

Writing to you sucks because I can tell you anything and everything in an attempt to get it off my mind, but this relationship is kinda one-sided because you never write me back. I really wish you would. I'm sure the laws of physics will be able to be broken by the time you get around to this so it shouldn't be a problem.

I know there is that witty remark about how the destination isn't as important as the journey--yea, yea--but I really just wish you could share some of your wisdom with me! How did you do it man? How did you make it to where you are now? I could really use some of those nuggets you have attained over the years. How did you let go of the things that shouldn't have been dwelt on, and forget the things that were unimportant? I hate to be burdening you with all my crap--I'm sure that you've got some of your own to deal with, but I wish you could just let out one of your little laughs that you do, pat me on the back and tell me that it's not going to be so bad. Everything that I worry about now is pretty insignificant to the problems that I'll face coming up. Ugh, That's not much of a consolation. But in the same way that I thought it was the end of the world if I missed  a homework assignment in high school, and thought it was more of the end of the world if I failed a test in college, I know that you will be able to tell me with certainty that everything going on now isn't going to be an issue at all. It will work itself out.

Please. Just tell me it will work out for the best. That's all I want to know. And maybe a lotto number or great novel idea.

I can't really explain this. I know I don't have to though, because you've already been here. You know what it's like.

Your best bud,

Matt

P.S. I'd appreciate an answer pretty soon. I know you will be able to time it so I get it in the minute or two before I send this, with all the capabilities of physics in the future. I'm not into the whole delayed gratification thing so it would be awesome if I could get a reply before I even send this off. Even though I consider myself a very patient person, sometimes it's hard to keep everything in check.

[Date xx/xx/xxxx Confidential: Matt Struven] A reply

Hey Matt!

I've had to call in quite a few favors to do this. Especially the "pre-other post" bit that you threw in there; you are so difficult sometimes. You and your little cry for help has cost me quite a pretty penny, but this should arrive right on time. Actually, it's slightly illegal too, so don't go telling anyone what I did. The character limit on this letter is pretty small because the technology is relatively new. I shall be brief on this one and hopefully when the technology matures a little bit I will be able to send you a longer, more in-depth one in the future. Of course, you will actually be in the future by then, so you will be the one writing this to your past self, like I am doing now. (But un-illegally of course) (It's confusing, don't worry about it. This is why you chose to be an English Major, remember!)

No, I'm not a jerk, I'm rather awesome (In the most humble way possible), but I think if I told you how everything turned out, it would ruin your life. You would become complacent and let everything fall into your lap. You might even ruin the future that you have by missing out on opportunities with the thought that everything will turn out fine. My only words to you are that nothing is certain; even what you have been told is certain  is not. People and circumstances change all the time, and the littlest choice can have the most profound effect. You already know this, but I need to reiterate it because in times of sorrow you sometimes feel complacent about your choices. 

You need to work for what you want and find people to invest in who will take care of you no matter what. Be strong and move on from the dead things in your life that do you no good. I can't tell you how, you have to figure it out for yourself. If I help the butterfly out of his cocoon, the blood won't have gotten forced into his now useless wings by the difficult endeavor, and he will die alone on the ground; so much potential wasted. 

You screw  up things sometimes, just like  people screw with you sometimes, but the past is the past and there is nothing to be done about it. Forgive, don't hold a grudge. Accept forgiveness and change your ways. Some people cannot be trusted and some people wish only the best for you, but you often don't know which is which until it's too late. 

I'm still not exactly sure what I wanted to hear, but I know that this will help anyway because sometimes you just need to know you aren't alone. 

Your friend,

Matt

P.S.  You live in the computer age. You can edit text right there. You don't need to use 'P.S.' all the time. I know you are trying to be classy and humorous, but get over yourself.

P.P.S Sorry, I'm still a hypocrite. 

P.P P.S. Actually, it does feel kind of good :) 

P.P.P.P.S. Old man's Memoirs. You know what I mean. 

The Funny Side of Life

It's funny, when you think you are going to die. Well, definitely not funny in the moment...but looking back on it, I find it funny. Before you go calling me psychotic and crazy, in this case, funny isn't like "Haha, that was funny and I'm going to laugh" funny;  funny as in... interesting. Intriguing. Now, I've seen people scared before.  Screaming scared. Scared white. Scared and a couple drops of pee came out. I'm not sure if these people weren't convinced they were going to die or not; I  was. I don't tend to freak out in these situations.

It's only happened to me a couple times. Two to be exact, before now. Both were in the water. One, I was ocean swimming in North Carolina and I was super tired cause I'd been at it for a while. All the sudden I realized that I was pretty far out and really far away from where everyone else was and I wasn't making headway into the land because of the current. No matter how hard I tried I just couldn't make any more distance. Well, obviously I'm sitting here writing this so I did end up living--but I thought I was going to fatigue out and not make it in.

The second, water skiing. My dad was driving the boat and I was behind, about to get towed and I found the rope wrapped around me neck and I was getting dragged along while under the surface. I was holding my breath  but I was still getting towed by my head and I had water coming up my nose and into my mouth; obviously I managed to survive that one too.

This last recent one, well I just couldn't breath. No particular reason. I stood there for a good 30 seconds gasping to no avail; I probably looked like a fish, standing up, arms above my head, mouth open. Finally, I got the  breath. Events  like this had been happening for a week or so, and I'd even been  suddenly waking up at night unable to breath. Finally I got another breath, and another, and calmed down a little bit. After I had stabilized, I sat down and thought to myself, "I probably won't live through the night." And I didn't care.

This isn't to say that I hate living; I still have potential for my life that I want to live out. It worries me that I'm so complacent about dying though. After I had the thought of mortality, I sat down and kept doing my homework. So much for epic "last night on earth" scenarios  that I've played with my friends over and over in the past. Well, I'm not sure if I was complacent or...peaceful. Sure, in a moment before death there can be the initial physical shock of pain, or the panic because of water in the lungs or a lack of oxygen; my body was gasping, but mentally I was...peaceful. Unworried. Maybe because I know that everyone dies. Maybe because I realize if I'm meant to die then I'm meant  to die and nothing is going to stop it, and if I'm not meant to die, then I'm not going to die.

I went to the ER. Apparently there is nothing wrong with me. Tell my body that--it's the one that still can't breath. Maybe I will die in my sleep tonight, or the next night, or the next, and I've simply been writing my future down on the page. I did finish my homework tonight  though, and what a better way to spend a last night on earth than by leaving the last thoughts of my brain on a website for everyone to see. I hope all my grammar and spelling are correct.

Of course, to quote the Joker, "...in their last moments,  people show you who they really are."

What does  this tell me about who I am?

Meeting New People

Think about all the people that you know. No, not all at once; just a few. Think about the ones that are closest to you. Except your blood family. Choose a couple of the most important ones and think about how you met them. Choose the  ones who have influenced you as the person that you are, and the choices that you have made in your life.

Perhaps you met them at:

Work
School
Church
Neighbors
A friend's house

Maybe you don't even remember, but more often than not, you met these people in a place you wouldn't normally associate with meeting people, or in a situation you wouldn't have imagined.

Growing up  in  my home town for 23 years, I had quite a base of people that I knew. Everywhere that I went I would see people that I knew and that knew me. Every time I would go to the store I would see someone I knew working, or walking around, and just driving places I was bound to see a familiar face on the road.

No longer. I go to the store now and don't get  a glance from anyone. I don't see people that I know when I go to the park, or stop at the gas station. I definitely took it for granted. I don't know anybody in this town, and I don't know how to meet them. I mean sure, I had 23 years to work on it in my home town and I don't expect to be the most popular guy on the street within two weeks; I think it will take AT LEAST a month.

I have a friend who was selling a small dresser on Craigslist. Last week he got married to the girl who showed up to buy it. Another friend who was running a marathon in place of someone who had registered but was unable to. He is now married to a  girl he met there.

There are no places conducive to just MEETING people who are looking to be met though. You kind of just have to live your life and hope that some good ones pop up. You can't think, "Today I'm going to meet my best friend" and then just go find them. You never know when you are going to meet someone who changes the course of your life and diverts your path in new directions. If that's not one good reason to shower and brush your teeth every day, I don't know what is.

Take the Hit

Sometimes life just hits you with a fast ball when you were ready for the curve and there isn't much you can do about it. You had been practicing all your life and getting better at hitting those curves and suddenly it's not what you expect. You realize a little too late that you're kinda screwed, but you swing anyway. Sometimes you miss, and sometimes you get a home run.

I had a curve ball recently. I didn't miss, and I didn't hit a home run. I guess that line drive just out of reach of third gave me enough time to get safely to first. We'll see what happens though. I'm sliding into first but the baseman might already have the ball.

At least I swung though. I could have just given up and taken the strike. And then another strike, and then another. They add up quick and before you know it, you're out. You never know when your next chance up at bat will be. Perhaps it's the last inning; perhaps not. Too bad you aren't guaranteed 9 innings at life so you never know.

Looking Back

Another year come and gone.

It's funny how quickly the last year has passed. As I look back on the past year, it doesn't seem like it has been that much time at all. I can clearly remember the things I was doing a year ago on certain dates and where I was, how I was feeling, the people I was with, and what I thought the future held. I remember certain activities on certain days, 4th of July, my birthday, Halloween, but as the anniversaries of these days pass, it doesn't seem like a year has gone by, perhaps only a couple months. Time does go faster the older I get.

As the time passes and the years keep adding themselves to my life, sometimes I feel like I am going nowhere fast. If you would have asked me 5 years ago, or even a year ago where I thought I would be right now, I wouldn't have said here. Plans have a way of not coming to fruition.

"Man makes plans and God laughs"

This year ahead is a year of change. New Beginnings, hopefully new people and new things to fill my time with. As I look back on my last year, it has been full of good things, but also disappointment. Hopefully when I reach next year, and look back on this year, it will be a year that helped to shape me for the better; I hope every year after this is one that I can look back upon fondly and see that it helped me to get where I needed to go.

Where will I be in a year?

Where will you be in a year?

Trying to be Polite

I like when people take an interest in me and the things I'm doing. It's great! People ask me questions and smile when I'm telling them about the things that I like, how I'm feeling, and the things that I'm doing with my life.

It does, however, get quite annoying when different people ask you the same question over, and over, and over, and over again, specifically at family functions with people that you don't see but once every couple years. The first couple times I am excited, and then after that a little less, but I still enthusiastically tell my life situation. A while after that I simple start to rattle off bullet points of information, and drone on until all the basics have been covered. Soon after that I simply say that things are going great and nothing has changed; I then stand there and hope the person will walk away bored.

It's not their FAULT. Perhaps they were truly interested, were sitting next to me and felt the need to politely converse, or perhaps they were bored and needed conversation--with any of those options they didn't know that they were the twelfth person that day, and probably 50th person that month to ask me the same questions and tell me the same "interesting facts" that 'nobody else knows'. I try to have patience, but it sometimes wears thin.

Anyway, you know it's a boring party when, after a few minutes of listening to the random conversations around me, I know that all of them can somehow be traced back to the things I told each and every one of those people. There's no way that everyone cares so much about what I'm doing that they want to talk about it at a party--there's just nothing else to talk about.

It just made me think about the things that I really like to converse about. Sure--I like when people take an interest in me, but it doesn't mean that I like to talk about myself all day. Not to toot my own horn--I'm pretty interesting, yea, but even I get sick of myself after a while.