Conflict and Reconciliation

I tend to be the peacemaker amongst my friends. This isn't only because I have the physical ability to hold one of them back if need be to prevent physical harm to the other, but because I tend to understand both sides of a situation fairly well. (If I am uninvolved in the argument of course. Even I get hot headed sometimes!) Lots of people come to me for advice, and/or expect me to help them diffuse a lot of problematic situations. I can't count the number of times that I have literally stood between two people yelling and screaming at each other, trying to help them work out their differences.

Problems can range from video games, to girls, to sports, to poker, to ordering pizza--guys argue about some of the stupidest things, and it can escalate quickly from three guys sitting on a couch, too lazy to get up for a soda, into a near fist fight.

After all my time involved in mediating arguments, there are a few conclusions that I have come to:

Deal with it quickly. There is no point in harboring resentment and angry feelings towards your friends any longer than you have to. True, maybe confronting them about the situation will be a slightly uncomfortable for a while, but in the end it is better that you work it out quicker. Don't run away, work it out or the pressure will build and lasting damage could occur. True, it may be wise to let the hot feelings of anger fizzle out a little bit so you don't say hurtful things to your friends that you will later regret. However, it isn't good to stew on something that is bothering you. Who knows--maybe the other person doesn't even know that you are angry at them, and you are letting your insides get all twisted up for no reason!

Understanding is better than yelling. There are two sides to every story and two opinions to every argument. Sometimes conflicts arise because of true differences between what two people expect, but more often than not, they arise because of miscommunication. You are more likely to defuse an argument by listening to the other person's perspective on the situation than having a yelling contest to make sure they hear what you have to say. Even if you think you know what they are going to say, it will make them feel so much better about themselves in that you actually value what they are trying to say, and sometimes you can actually learn something about them!

On a side note, one thing that I have noticed is that, after guys fight, they are totally over it. There is no more drama--even enemies can be friends after the stress is released. Girls, however, tend to harbor anger for years on end and never let go of their thoughts of revenge. Girl fights are nasty.

In the end, the relationship will be stronger after an argument is resolved. Fighting isn't necessairly bad if it is dealt with in the correct way. Most people judge relationships by how many conflicts occur and think that if you have tons of conflicts all the time--it is bad. Sure, the end result in a perfect world is that two people will understand each other so completely that there is no need for conflict whatsoever--but we don't live in a perfect world. There are going to be conflicts, and imperfections, and anger and frusturation in any relationship. Suck it up and work it out--if the kinks are worked out, the relationship will have lasted so much longer and be so much stronger in the end.