So many choices to make. So many possibilities to consider. If only I knew how the future would turn out. Life would be so much easier if it came with instructions, a crystal ball, and a time turner. Perhaps a map of all possible outcomes; choosing would be as easy as pointing a finger. I would make use of them. Unfortunately, life is not a game that can be reset if an undesirable position is reached; my cautious personality is anxious. Anxious over things I can't control.
How am I to know what will be or what could have been. I know who I want to be and what I want, but going about getting them is no simple feat. So many obstacles: physical limitations, mental limitations, people. I don't want to waste my time; I want to live in the moment for if we are too concerned about what is to come, we miss out on the present. Yet, a balance is required so as to also consider for the future without being consumed by unsuccessfully attempting to account for all of its possibilities.
There must be no regrets or misgivings about a choice long past, and no fear in making new decisions. If I fear to make the wrong decision, and then make none, there will be no learning. There will be no moving forward, and I will be stuck in the same, hopeless position forever.
No, it is not hopeless.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Friday, December 16, 2011
Excitement and Stability
When I use the word "relationship" in a conversation, I generally mean the interactions that two or more people experience in their every day lives. This could be friendship, work relationships, romantic relationships, or any other number of interactions. While in truth, the topic of this blog doesn't simply fall into just the realm of romantic relationships, this is the part that will be mostly explored. This isn't to say that normal friendships don't have exciting times and boring times, but unless otherwise specified in this blog, the word "relationship" will refer to romantic relationships.
For the most part, lasting relationships can fall into two categories: exciting or stable. When people are inside a relationship there are always ups and downs, as described in the ever so popular analogy: a roller coaster of emotions. But how high and how low is necessary? Some people have different levels of tolerability in regards to how stable or exciting a relationship is; this isn't to say that the differences in these relationship styles are bad. Think of any healthy relationship like a frequency graph. Over time, the peaks and troughs on the graph of an exciting relationships can be higher and lower than in a stable relationship, but the average remains the same in both situations.
Some people need exciting relationships. They need to convince themselves that they still feel emotions, that the relationship that they have with this other person is real. They need someone who will convince them to do new things. Someone to argue with them; someone to leave them alone when things are going fine, and someone to completely rely on when they are feeling down. These are the people that you see yelling at each other in the line at the grocery store one minute, arguing over the dumbest thing, then the next minute holding hands walking off like nothing happened.
Then, there are the more stable relationships. The relationships whose graphs aren't peaks and valleys, but lulling hills. These are the people whose arguments aren't hot-headed fist fights, but perhaps have slightly raised voices and are easily reconciled. The people who hold their tongues until their anger has cooled down, and work out everything in a civilized manner. These people are content with what they have and what they have experienced, and don't need to endure massive swings of emotions to know that what they feel is real.
Not every single relationship is a healthy one, but in regards to healthy relationships, both the exciting and stable relationships have the same outcomes. Whether there are higher highs and lower lows, or a near flat line, it all averages out to be the same; two people who put aside whatever differences they have to live a life with each other.
For the most part, lasting relationships can fall into two categories: exciting or stable. When people are inside a relationship there are always ups and downs, as described in the ever so popular analogy: a roller coaster of emotions. But how high and how low is necessary? Some people have different levels of tolerability in regards to how stable or exciting a relationship is; this isn't to say that the differences in these relationship styles are bad. Think of any healthy relationship like a frequency graph. Over time, the peaks and troughs on the graph of an exciting relationships can be higher and lower than in a stable relationship, but the average remains the same in both situations.
Some people need exciting relationships. They need to convince themselves that they still feel emotions, that the relationship that they have with this other person is real. They need someone who will convince them to do new things. Someone to argue with them; someone to leave them alone when things are going fine, and someone to completely rely on when they are feeling down. These are the people that you see yelling at each other in the line at the grocery store one minute, arguing over the dumbest thing, then the next minute holding hands walking off like nothing happened.
Then, there are the more stable relationships. The relationships whose graphs aren't peaks and valleys, but lulling hills. These are the people whose arguments aren't hot-headed fist fights, but perhaps have slightly raised voices and are easily reconciled. The people who hold their tongues until their anger has cooled down, and work out everything in a civilized manner. These people are content with what they have and what they have experienced, and don't need to endure massive swings of emotions to know that what they feel is real.
Not every single relationship is a healthy one, but in regards to healthy relationships, both the exciting and stable relationships have the same outcomes. Whether there are higher highs and lower lows, or a near flat line, it all averages out to be the same; two people who put aside whatever differences they have to live a life with each other.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Insufferable Wrongs
I had my heart broken today. No, not because of something that I experienced; this didn't involve me, or any of my friends, or even anyone that I had even seen before. My heart cracked because of something I saw; an evil in the world that had no emissary for the wronged. Something I could explain to you with words, but you would not understand what I meant. No human would understand the wrench that my heart felt when my eyes saw and my mind understood.
Even as I sat unnoticed with people all around me and quietly cried, so does this wrong go unnoticed. By all except for me. I cried for you, you who I do not know and will never see again. You are not alone.
I will not fall asleep easily tonight because of what I have experienced, and there is nothing I can do about it. Noone to tell of the wrong that I saw; noone to convince me that it won't happen again, and noone to tell me that it will be made right. I know God will make it right someday, but until then, I will speak to Him on behalf of the oppressed.
Even as I sat unnoticed with people all around me and quietly cried, so does this wrong go unnoticed. By all except for me. I cried for you, you who I do not know and will never see again. You are not alone.
I will not fall asleep easily tonight because of what I have experienced, and there is nothing I can do about it. Noone to tell of the wrong that I saw; noone to convince me that it won't happen again, and noone to tell me that it will be made right. I know God will make it right someday, but until then, I will speak to Him on behalf of the oppressed.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Fear
What makes people fear? What makes you fear? The first day of school. Public speaking. Roller coasters. Poverty. Pain. Rejection. Intimacy. Loneliness. Failure. Death.
In the end, what we fear most boils down to: helplessness and the unknown.
Why do little kids like night-lights? I mean, think about it--if monsters under the bed and in the closet really did exist, what good would a little light bulb plugged into a 120 volt socket actually do against it? Fear isn't so much in the actual event, experience, item, or player itself, but in the fact that we as humans like to know what is going to happen. We are creatures who like to plan ahead and know the future so we can attempt to control it.
Think of the fears that you have controlled in the past. Riding a bike down a steep hill. Having a spicy food. Riding a horse. Performing on stage. Think of all the joys that you have now that stemmed from a conquered fear. Many, I presume. If you never conquered your fears, you would have never left your crib and crawled on the floor. Never have opened the door to explore the great outdoors, never gone to school to learn, never gotten a job to grow, never gotten a friend to share life with.
We fear things that have no right to be feared. We simply fear them because we don't understand them, or we don't know what is going to happen. We hate being helpless and left in the dark, but at the same time, we live in the dark. We let our fears consume us and keep us from experiencing the fullness of life, just because we are unsure of what could happen.
When we finally go out on a limb and try that new food, jump out of the plane, and talk to that person, we grow. In the end, once we experience what we feared so much, we realize that it wasn't so bad after all. Maybe a Little pain, yes, but the cuts will heal and the scars will be unnoticeable. Perhaps, even a lesson can be learned and a new joy found. We find a new path to take and a new fear to conquer.
In the end, what we fear most boils down to: helplessness and the unknown.
Why do little kids like night-lights? I mean, think about it--if monsters under the bed and in the closet really did exist, what good would a little light bulb plugged into a 120 volt socket actually do against it? Fear isn't so much in the actual event, experience, item, or player itself, but in the fact that we as humans like to know what is going to happen. We are creatures who like to plan ahead and know the future so we can attempt to control it.
Think of the fears that you have controlled in the past. Riding a bike down a steep hill. Having a spicy food. Riding a horse. Performing on stage. Think of all the joys that you have now that stemmed from a conquered fear. Many, I presume. If you never conquered your fears, you would have never left your crib and crawled on the floor. Never have opened the door to explore the great outdoors, never gone to school to learn, never gotten a job to grow, never gotten a friend to share life with.
We fear things that have no right to be feared. We simply fear them because we don't understand them, or we don't know what is going to happen. We hate being helpless and left in the dark, but at the same time, we live in the dark. We let our fears consume us and keep us from experiencing the fullness of life, just because we are unsure of what could happen.
When we finally go out on a limb and try that new food, jump out of the plane, and talk to that person, we grow. In the end, once we experience what we feared so much, we realize that it wasn't so bad after all. Maybe a Little pain, yes, but the cuts will heal and the scars will be unnoticeable. Perhaps, even a lesson can be learned and a new joy found. We find a new path to take and a new fear to conquer.
Saturday, December 3, 2011
People
You know it, I know it--everyone is a person. Prisoners who sit in their cells, alone. Presidents who make world-changing decisions. Murderers who killed their wives. Frat boys who get drunk instead of studying. The founders of The United States. Nerds who sit on their computers all day. Telemarketers who call because it's their job. Maids who clean up disgusting messes. The terrorists from 9/11. The boys from Columbine. The victims from Columbine. The King of England. Sports Stars. Actors. Illegal aliens. Bums. Police officers. African children. Astronauts. The guy who works at McDonald's. The lady who is always walking her dog. Your school acquaintances. Your neighbor. Your closest friends. Your family.
It sounds stupid, I know, but how often do you stop to think about what it really means? As I go about my every day business, I see many people. The majority of the ones that I have more than a one minute interaction with, I have known personally for quite some time. I see their form and their face, and my mind begins to calculate certain things about them. Memories I have of them, what I expect of them, what they expect of me. It all works so naturally, almost like an auto-pilot, that I sometimes forget that they are just like me. Thinking. Feeling. People.
Every time you experience something that someone does to you or for you, think: other people are experiencing things also.
When you give someone a gift, to them, someone cares enough to think of their needs. When you compliment someone, to them, someone is making them feel good about themselves. When you make a joke at someones expense, to them, someone has hurt their feelings. When you lie to someone, to them, someone has disrespected them. When you kiss someone, to them, someone is being intimate with them. When you check someone out, to them, they are feeling good about themselves--or violated. When you beat someone in a game, to them, they are losers. When you lose to someone in a game, to them, they have defeated you. When you cheat against someone, to them, they have been stiffed what they worked hard for. When you do someone a favor, to them, someone cares enough to go out of their way for them. When you tell someone no, to them, they are being rejected. When you embarrass someone, to them, they feel ashamed. When you love someone, to them, they feel worth something.
Everyone is a person with wants, and needs, and desires. They have a body that sometimes doesn't fit, and a mind that sometimes is incomprehensible to others. They have things they like, things they despise. Things that are just a little bit annoying to them, and things that they can't live without. Favorite ice cream flavors, favorite colors, and allergies that make them sneeze. A favorite story, a best friend. A fear. A dream.
Think of all the joys and pains in life that you have experienced. Most of them, I'm sure, involve other people. People who have also had pains and joys. People, whose pains and joys were influenced by other people, just like yourself.
In the end, when you see a face that you are all too familiar with, stop yourself from the complacency of familiarity. Think,
"When I look into someones eyes, there is a history behind them. When I look into someones eyes, another person is looking back into mine."
It sounds stupid, I know, but how often do you stop to think about what it really means? As I go about my every day business, I see many people. The majority of the ones that I have more than a one minute interaction with, I have known personally for quite some time. I see their form and their face, and my mind begins to calculate certain things about them. Memories I have of them, what I expect of them, what they expect of me. It all works so naturally, almost like an auto-pilot, that I sometimes forget that they are just like me. Thinking. Feeling. People.
Every time you experience something that someone does to you or for you, think: other people are experiencing things also.
When you give someone a gift, to them, someone cares enough to think of their needs. When you compliment someone, to them, someone is making them feel good about themselves. When you make a joke at someones expense, to them, someone has hurt their feelings. When you lie to someone, to them, someone has disrespected them. When you kiss someone, to them, someone is being intimate with them. When you check someone out, to them, they are feeling good about themselves--or violated. When you beat someone in a game, to them, they are losers. When you lose to someone in a game, to them, they have defeated you. When you cheat against someone, to them, they have been stiffed what they worked hard for. When you do someone a favor, to them, someone cares enough to go out of their way for them. When you tell someone no, to them, they are being rejected. When you embarrass someone, to them, they feel ashamed. When you love someone, to them, they feel worth something.
Everyone is a person with wants, and needs, and desires. They have a body that sometimes doesn't fit, and a mind that sometimes is incomprehensible to others. They have things they like, things they despise. Things that are just a little bit annoying to them, and things that they can't live without. Favorite ice cream flavors, favorite colors, and allergies that make them sneeze. A favorite story, a best friend. A fear. A dream.
Think of all the joys and pains in life that you have experienced. Most of them, I'm sure, involve other people. People who have also had pains and joys. People, whose pains and joys were influenced by other people, just like yourself.
In the end, when you see a face that you are all too familiar with, stop yourself from the complacency of familiarity. Think,
"When I look into someones eyes, there is a history behind them. When I look into someones eyes, another person is looking back into mine."
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Extended Family
I like my family. Ok, perhaps not my immediate family--they are boring--but I do like my extended family. All my cousins, and uncles and aunts. I like having big family get togethers because we all get to see each other and catch up on life. I get to give my cousins wedgies, and they stick their fingers in my ears; my aunt rudely awakens me from naps in funny ways and my uncle moons me--we all have a blast.
I don't really remember ever being excited about seeing all of them until recently. I mean, I didn't hate family get togethers, but they were just another manditory part of life where I had to dress up in uncomfortable clothes and behave myself for a few hours while all the grown-ups had a glass of wine and a long boring conversation. As I have gotten older, however, I have come to look forward to seeing my family.
Even around very close friends, there is somewhat of a barrier that cannot be crossed in regards to acceptable social behaviors. There isn't as much of that barrier with family. Friends don't have to accept you. They accept you because they care about you--flaws and all--and that is what makes them worth hanging around, but family has to accept you, grime and grit. Nearly no matter what you do, your family will always be around for you. I said this in a somewhat joking manner in regards to being obnoxious and annoying, but I am very serious. Family should always be there for you. That is the kind of family I want to have.
I want to marry into a family that cares about each other deeply...and has a blast. I want to look forward to having family events. Not a normal American family wherin everyone has been divorced twice and has two different sets of kids who all hate each other and are competing for attention. Not a family where uncle Joe and uncle Bob wont talk to each other even though they are the same room because they had a fight two years ago. Not a family where everyone is seeing each other just so they can go back to work after the three day weekend and not see everyone 'til next year. Not a family where the guy who married in feels like he doesn't fit, or the neice feels left out. I want a family that works out their differences and accepts each other. A family that laughs at the past and interacts with each other all the time.
I want to be able to wrestle with my nephews and laugh with my inlaws. I want my kids and their kids to want to see each other all the time because of how close they are. I want to live relatively close to my relatives so I don't have to take an eight-hour trip to see them. I want thirty-person thanksgiving dinners and a cabin that everyone can enjoy together during vacations. I don't want to have to have a family reunion every 10 years because we should be seeing each other all the time.
When it comes down to it--I don't want my family to just be a bunch of people who happen to share some of the same blood as me, so we are required to try to be friendly with each other and see everyone every couple years. I want a family that is a real family, not just in name, but in action.
I don't really remember ever being excited about seeing all of them until recently. I mean, I didn't hate family get togethers, but they were just another manditory part of life where I had to dress up in uncomfortable clothes and behave myself for a few hours while all the grown-ups had a glass of wine and a long boring conversation. As I have gotten older, however, I have come to look forward to seeing my family.
Even around very close friends, there is somewhat of a barrier that cannot be crossed in regards to acceptable social behaviors. There isn't as much of that barrier with family. Friends don't have to accept you. They accept you because they care about you--flaws and all--and that is what makes them worth hanging around, but family has to accept you, grime and grit. Nearly no matter what you do, your family will always be around for you. I said this in a somewhat joking manner in regards to being obnoxious and annoying, but I am very serious. Family should always be there for you. That is the kind of family I want to have.
I want to marry into a family that cares about each other deeply...and has a blast. I want to look forward to having family events. Not a normal American family wherin everyone has been divorced twice and has two different sets of kids who all hate each other and are competing for attention. Not a family where uncle Joe and uncle Bob wont talk to each other even though they are the same room because they had a fight two years ago. Not a family where everyone is seeing each other just so they can go back to work after the three day weekend and not see everyone 'til next year. Not a family where the guy who married in feels like he doesn't fit, or the neice feels left out. I want a family that works out their differences and accepts each other. A family that laughs at the past and interacts with each other all the time.
I want to be able to wrestle with my nephews and laugh with my inlaws. I want my kids and their kids to want to see each other all the time because of how close they are. I want to live relatively close to my relatives so I don't have to take an eight-hour trip to see them. I want thirty-person thanksgiving dinners and a cabin that everyone can enjoy together during vacations. I don't want to have to have a family reunion every 10 years because we should be seeing each other all the time.
When it comes down to it--I don't want my family to just be a bunch of people who happen to share some of the same blood as me, so we are required to try to be friendly with each other and see everyone every couple years. I want a family that is a real family, not just in name, but in action.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Conflict and Reconciliation
I tend to be the peacemaker amongst my friends. This isn't only because I have the physical ability to hold one of them back if need be to prevent physical harm to the other, but because I tend to understand both sides of a situation fairly well. (If I am uninvolved in the argument of course. Even I get hot headed sometimes!) Lots of people come to me for advice, and/or expect me to help them diffuse a lot of problematic situations. I can't count the number of times that I have literally stood between two people yelling and screaming at each other, trying to help them work out their differences.
Problems can range from video games, to girls, to sports, to poker, to ordering pizza--guys argue about some of the stupidest things, and it can escalate quickly from three guys sitting on a couch, too lazy to get up for a soda, into a near fist fight.
After all my time involved in mediating arguments, there are a few conclusions that I have come to:
Deal with it quickly. There is no point in harboring resentment and angry feelings towards your friends any longer than you have to. True, maybe confronting them about the situation will be a slightly uncomfortable for a while, but in the end it is better that you work it out quicker. Don't run away, work it out or the pressure will build and lasting damage could occur. True, it may be wise to let the hot feelings of anger fizzle out a little bit so you don't say hurtful things to your friends that you will later regret. However, it isn't good to stew on something that is bothering you. Who knows--maybe the other person doesn't even know that you are angry at them, and you are letting your insides get all twisted up for no reason!
Understanding is better than yelling. There are two sides to every story and two opinions to every argument. Sometimes conflicts arise because of true differences between what two people expect, but more often than not, they arise because of miscommunication. You are more likely to defuse an argument by listening to the other person's perspective on the situation than having a yelling contest to make sure they hear what you have to say. Even if you think you know what they are going to say, it will make them feel so much better about themselves in that you actually value what they are trying to say, and sometimes you can actually learn something about them!
On a side note, one thing that I have noticed is that, after guys fight, they are totally over it. There is no more drama--even enemies can be friends after the stress is released. Girls, however, tend to harbor anger for years on end and never let go of their thoughts of revenge. Girl fights are nasty.
In the end, the relationship will be stronger after an argument is resolved. Fighting isn't necessairly bad if it is dealt with in the correct way. Most people judge relationships by how many conflicts occur and think that if you have tons of conflicts all the time--it is bad. Sure, the end result in a perfect world is that two people will understand each other so completely that there is no need for conflict whatsoever--but we don't live in a perfect world. There are going to be conflicts, and imperfections, and anger and frusturation in any relationship. Suck it up and work it out--if the kinks are worked out, the relationship will have lasted so much longer and be so much stronger in the end.
Problems can range from video games, to girls, to sports, to poker, to ordering pizza--guys argue about some of the stupidest things, and it can escalate quickly from three guys sitting on a couch, too lazy to get up for a soda, into a near fist fight.
After all my time involved in mediating arguments, there are a few conclusions that I have come to:
Deal with it quickly. There is no point in harboring resentment and angry feelings towards your friends any longer than you have to. True, maybe confronting them about the situation will be a slightly uncomfortable for a while, but in the end it is better that you work it out quicker. Don't run away, work it out or the pressure will build and lasting damage could occur. True, it may be wise to let the hot feelings of anger fizzle out a little bit so you don't say hurtful things to your friends that you will later regret. However, it isn't good to stew on something that is bothering you. Who knows--maybe the other person doesn't even know that you are angry at them, and you are letting your insides get all twisted up for no reason!
Understanding is better than yelling. There are two sides to every story and two opinions to every argument. Sometimes conflicts arise because of true differences between what two people expect, but more often than not, they arise because of miscommunication. You are more likely to defuse an argument by listening to the other person's perspective on the situation than having a yelling contest to make sure they hear what you have to say. Even if you think you know what they are going to say, it will make them feel so much better about themselves in that you actually value what they are trying to say, and sometimes you can actually learn something about them!
On a side note, one thing that I have noticed is that, after guys fight, they are totally over it. There is no more drama--even enemies can be friends after the stress is released. Girls, however, tend to harbor anger for years on end and never let go of their thoughts of revenge. Girl fights are nasty.
In the end, the relationship will be stronger after an argument is resolved. Fighting isn't necessairly bad if it is dealt with in the correct way. Most people judge relationships by how many conflicts occur and think that if you have tons of conflicts all the time--it is bad. Sure, the end result in a perfect world is that two people will understand each other so completely that there is no need for conflict whatsoever--but we don't live in a perfect world. There are going to be conflicts, and imperfections, and anger and frusturation in any relationship. Suck it up and work it out--if the kinks are worked out, the relationship will have lasted so much longer and be so much stronger in the end.
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