Junkie

I have never been high. I have never done drugs. I don't think that I ever will. About the most powerful thing I have ever been on was Vicodin, right after I got my wisdom teeth out. Apparently, it wasn't a very big dose either because I still remember that being the most intense pain that I have ever felt in my life. It could have been a placebo experiment for all that I know. I realized, however, after yesterday, that I am a junkie.

I get a slight buzz from bombing a hill on my skateboard, going way faster than I should because I have no control. You can feel the wind rushing past you and you can feel every little crack in the sidewalk as you roll over them at extreme speeds. It still got old after a while. I have never been bunjee jumping, that is on my bucket list, but I have been skydiving. It was pretty intense, to know that you were falling at 120 MPH towards the ground and certain death if your parachute failed, but it still wasn't enough. I love free climbing, the beat that your heart skips when the rock you were putting most of your weight on starts to crumble a little bit and you look over your shoulder to the sheer drop below. Maybe not instant death, but definitely a life-changing maiming, and a slow death afterwards if you aren't rushed to a hospital by a passerby. In hindsight, it is nothing.

Yesterday, I felt the biggest adrenaline rush that I have ever felt. I will be chasing it forever.

It was a warm, sunny day in Fullerton, California. A slight breeze, barely noticeable. Perfect weather. I was on a grass field wearing shorts, and a jersey, cleats, and a mouthguard. No pads, no protection. Me, the field and the twenty nine other men dressed the same. Rugby. It is still so vivid. I don't think I will ever forget. As I stood on the field, slightly crouched at the knees, spring-loaded, I could feel the uneven dirt under my feet. My fists were clenched and shaking.

Fight or flight?

Fight.

I could feel the hair on the back of my neck stand on end as I bit down on my mouthguard. I could taste the testosterone in the air. My breaths became deep and deliberate. I could FEEL my heartbeat. Hear it. Everything else drowned out.

Boom-Boom

Boom-Boom

Boom-Boom

Every muscle in my body was clenched. I was shaking; not fear, exhileration. Poised. From my neck to my toes. I heard my breath groan slowly out of my clenched throat, almost a growl. My foot twitched.

Go

There is nothing like running full speed at someone who is also running full speed at you, knowing that when you collide, because you will, it isn't going to feel nice. But you don't feel it. You get up and hit them again. And get knocked down again. And then run. And get knocked down again, and piled on. And run again, and you hit again. And you don't feel anything. No pain. Just the rush of blood through your veins. A battlefield. There is no other way to describe it. It has to be experienced.

I am alive. Life is my drug.