On The Bus

I never used to take the bus. Aside from one time in third or fourth grade when my babysitter was required to go somewhere with me and didn't have a car, and one time in high school when my mother forsook me at school and I needed a way home, the first time that I rode the bus was on my first day to college. It was scary. And awkward. Generally, the buses that I take are packed to the brim with college students. When I say packed to the brim, I don't merely mean that all the seats are full; I mean that all the seats are full as well as the isle way, and the door ways, and people are rubbing all over you and its really hot and smelly and you try not to make eye contact with anyone because it is so shameful. It is not always so, but this is generally the case. Aside from the horrible things I just mentioned, riding the bus can be a very interesting experience. There are all sorts of eccentric people doing crazy random things.

The first class of people that are generally run into on the bus are the music listeners. I'm not just talking about the people who are listening to their iPods so they don't have to deal with the environment around them. I am talking about the people who are always getting WAAAY too into their music and audibly singing, if not mouthing the words. These people are often breathing the lyrics under their breath so that everyone can see that they know the lyrics to the song that they are listening to. They play the guitar solos and the drum solos, even though it is very apparent they have no idea how to actually play the instrument they are pretending to play. Their eyes are closed and their heads are bobbing to the beat, and quite frankly, they look dumb. Now I will be the first to admit that when I listen to music by myself in my room with the door closed, I play the air instruments, I horribly attempt to sing the vocal parts as well as the bands do, and I dance all crazy...but I am by myself in my room, with the door closed, not on a crowded bus, bumping into people.

There was this one time, however, that I got onto the bus, and there were four people who literally had instruments with them and were all playing. They didn't know each other either. They just all happened to have all their instruments with them on the bus at the same time, and their natural instincts took over; it was quite amazing. Two guitars, a harmonica and a bongo might not exactly be the requirements for an amazing rock band--but their jam session sounded pretty awesome. They were all hippies too.

The next class of people are the gossipers. These people talk about who they had sex with last week, who they had sex with last night, who they are having sex with tonight, and who they hope to have sex with after they are in a committed marriage relationship; and no, it's not with their spouse. Then they talk about who their friends are having sex with, what times and where, and if they approve or disapprove. They also talk about all the drugs they have done and are planning on doing, and how much their life sucks because they have school so they can't get wasted every night.

BUMMER.

I don't even have this kind of information to share with anyone, but information that I do find a little bit personal, I still don't go spouting off in the midst of a crowded bus of strangers.

Next, we have the intense starers. These people have no qualms about looking at you and staring at you intently, even though it is considered socially unacceptable to do as much. They look at you and then when you see them looking at you, they keep looking. Then, when you pretend to look away so it doesn't get too awkward, you can totally tell from the corner of your eye that they are still looking at you. You check your face in the reflection of the window to see if there is any food on it, but there isn't really anything abnormal. "Maybe they aren't looking at me," you think to yourself, but after a nonchalant check behind you, you find that there is nothing behind you except the wall of the bus. Not even a window that they could, perhaps, be looking out of. And yes, they are still looking at you. Even as you exit the bus, you can feel their eyes burning holes in the back of your head. So awkward. Actually, I won a stare down with one of these people once and I felt really good about myself. Then I realized that I had turned into one of them and felt horrible.

Some of the worst people to sit next to on the bus are the baby carriers and the smelly bums. Even though these are two completely different types of people, I place them into the same category because they both take up lots of room and they both smell. For some reason, I am always cursed to sit next to a mother with a baby that has a full diaper when I am on the bus. I don't hate babies--they can be awesome, but why, mothers, do you not change your baby's diaper's? They will get rashes if you don't take care of it! In fact, I'm pretty sure this is one of the reasons that all the baby's that I have encountered on buses are always crying--because they have rashes. So they cry and are smelly and they scream and then they wail and its made worse by the fact that the baby is right next to your head, and you just want to change the baby's diaper yourself so all will be right in the world, but you know if you even look at that baby in the wrong way, the little mexican mom will start to hit you with her purse and then tell all her family and friends to beat you up when they see you. Plus they always have two bags and a stroller and groceries with them and they are falling all over you and it sucks. And that's only on your right side. On your left side you have the smelly bum who clearly hasn't showered in three months. I mean, sure, he probably went in the ocean once or twice to rinse off, but then he got sick cause it was so freakin' cold, and hasn't done it since; that is why he has that deep throaty cough that is surely contagious, and he has his backpack which has the smell of a dead animal emanating from it. Probably his lunch for tomorrow, and you just wish that he had better life circumstances. Then, he starts to talk to you. At least, you think he's talking to you, but then when you turn to look at him, he is staring down at his hands and talking to them. After a bit of eavesdropping, you find out that one is named Bob and one is named Ryan, and that they haven't been getting along lately. The bum then begins to punish them by hitting them together. He is moving around a ton and hitting them, and then he abruptly changes the topic to Vietnam and all the sudden you feel really bad for judging him.

The last type of person that you will encounter on the bus are the sleepers. Now I myself am a sleeper, but I'm not talking about my kind of sleeper. I'm normal. I put my hood on, lay my head against the window and nap for 15 minutes until I reach my stop, pull the chord, and exit the bus. I'm talking about the kind of sleepers who drool and snore, and whose heads are bobbing all over the place before they finally come to rest on your shoulder. You want to gently push it off, but are afraid to wake them into a fit of violence wherein you will be brutally murdered. You know they have missed their stop too because you have seen them get off the bus many a time, and it was definitely three stops ago. So you just let them sleep, and hope that they will awaken before you need to move their head when you need to get off the bus.

When I started to ride the bus, I thought it was going to be the end of me. It was a horrible experience that I hoped never to have to repeat. Now, after 4 years of bus riding, I have gotten used to everything. I just find it slightly annoying. As long as it doesn't wake me up, I don't care what happens.