The End of the world

I kind of hope the world ends on December 21. If it does, there will be so much less I have to worry about. There isn't much to look forward to right now.

A Strong Dislike

I strongly dislike using that one word in this situation. The one that means I really strongly dislike something, but is a level or two up from strongly dislike. It's not that I'm afraid to say it--I say it all the time--but I strongly dislike using it when referring to a person. I don't really think that way about anyone in particular, but I do strongly dislike people in general. Maybe I wouldn't strongly dislike people so much if they changed; I don't think it's the people I strongly dislike so much as the actions that they choose. Now that I think about it, there are some people who I used to strongly dislike that I don't anymore, because they changed.

But then there are the people who haven't changed. I strongly dislike them. The people that I strongly dislike even more than the people who haven't changed, are the people who have changed for the worse. They aren't even on the same playing field as me, but I'm forced to play with them. It's frustrating when people ignore the rules, especially when I play by them. Maybe if I break the rules I won't get penalized either. I kinda wanna go get high, and steal, and break hearts and fuck, use people for my own gain and take what I want when I want it and forgo my responsibilities. They do.

I'm sick of holding my tongue, I'm sick of being nice and doing the right thing. I'm sick of watching my actions so I'm not a hypocrite, and I'm sick of being there for people.

Nobody else holds their tongue, nobody else is nice or does the right thing, nobody else practices what they preach, nobody else is there for me.

I'm not perfect, but I do try to hold my tongue. I try to be nice and do the right thing. I do watch my actions so I'm not a hypocrite. I'm there for people more than they know,  or seem to care. If nobody considers what they do to others, there is no hope for the world. I'm not a faucet, I'm a small cup with only a dribble left to share.

I hate people.

Excuse me. Strongly dislike.

Maybe I'm just an old man jealous of other people's fortune.

Or Maybe I'm jealous of other people's ability to ignore the rules.

Maybe I need to scar my conscience to live in a society with selfish people.

Maybe I'm going to be a hermit. The more I'm around people, the more I'm  disgusted and discouraged.

Maybe I just need to find the right people. Where are you?

It's Pathetic...

...how I've become so apathetic.

Towards everything.

A bummer, really. I need to find passion again. It got crushed and I lost it.

I don't know where to find it anymore--it's not really something I can just go pick up at the store.

I don't even seem to care that I lost it.

Sleep

I love  sleeping. Sleeping feels so good. When I'm tired, and I get to the end of the day, barely pushing on, sometimes I'll take a nap before I go to sleep. I'll take a nap in the morning, in between classes, on the bus to school, at work in the car driving to a job, in class, in the afternoons. The body doesn't function well on not a lot of sleep--it's so necessary.

There have been studies done wherein the subjects were sleep deprived. These people's bodies began to break down much quicker, and they became extremely violent, moody, and in some cases they developed insanity and other mental illnesses.Often I feel like I'm not getting enough sleep. It's nobody's fault but my own of course. Maybe I'm driving myself to insanity.

But getting to a bed after a long day is amazing. You can just fall on the bed, knowing that  it's over and you don't have to stay awake anymore; you can just succumb to the sleep. Of course, sometimes I sleep not because of physical  exhaustion but  emotional exhaustion. I'm sad,  frustrated, lonely and drained, and nothing will fix  it.

Sometimes life is going so badly that I don't want to deal with anything so I sleep more. Less time awake is less time thinking. Less time thinking is less time feeling.

I think I'm going to sleep right  now.

Sleep is my escape.

10,000 hours.

I heard somewhere that to become a master at something, anything, you have to spend 10,000 hours doing it. After 10,000 hours of practice practice practice, it  finally clicks for your mind or your body and you are able to do whatever it is, proficiently. That is 1.14 years  straight  of doing something, no sleeping no eating,  no resting, just doing. That is 4.8 years of working at something for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, 52  weeks  a year. If only I had that kind of free time and dedication.

Have  I ever spent  that much time doing anything? No. Unless you count sleeping. By my brief calculations I've spent close  to 60,000 hours sleeping. I'm definitely a master at sleeping. But I'm not a master at anything else. I've put thousands of hours into reading, writing, video games, school, sports and all  of the other things that I fill my life with, but I've spread them out so much that I'm not a master at any one thing. It's almost disappointing to think that if  I would have figured this out when I was much younger, I could be a professional...something already. Musician. Artist. Sports player. Writer. Skateboarder. Comedian. Unfortunately, I'm not.

I can become good at anything that  I put my mind to. I know it sounds cliche, but it's true. I've  done it before. Unfortunately, there literally isn't enough time in my life to become a master at all of the things I want to master. I have a long list. Maybe I'll knock a few of them out before I grow old and wither away.

Acting

I've taken quite a few acting classes, 4 to be exact. I've learned a lot in regards to theater and how to behave on stage: the way to stand, the way to think, the way to prepare--things people who hadn't acted would never have thought of. It's quite complicated.

Stage acting isn't easy. It's draining. It's tiring. It's a lot of work. It's stressful. But it's exhilarating. I'm not sure why. It's a rush to be up there in front of everyone, doing private things in public places. That's what actors do; we put things that people wouldn't witness in real life out in the open for everyone to see. Maybe that's why some people go to  the  theater; not simply for a laugh, but for a free glimpse into the lives of other people. A longing to see if they aren't alone. And while the characters on the stage may be imaginary with  fake problems, the audience is still seeing a glimpse of the play write's mind nonetheless.

It's kind of funny, my process the day of a show. I'm not nervous  at all when I wake up. I get up and get ready to go to rehearsals. I'm more worried about  forgetting props  than anything. Rehearsals start for  the day. A long day of rehearsals. Whatever. No difficulty keeping down a  meal before the show. T-10  minutes, no problem. My colleagues are pacing and reciting their lines; I'm  sitting bored. One minute to go, heart rate still  steady. Ten seconds, A  yawn perhaps. But the first  step on the stage, the first thing that always goes through my mind "Matt, what the hell are you doing?" That's  the exact same sentence that went through my mind the exact moment I pushed my weight forward and free-fell out of a plane. I can't believe I do this for fun.

If only you could see inside my mind as I act. There is almost nothing going on. It's kind of  an animalistic instinctive feeling--like something is taking over my body. Occasionally I'll get a thought that is my own, but they are few and far between and very brief. Usually the  thought is, "Oh crap, I have no idea what my next line is..." and somehow, whether by muscle memory  or my brain just dredging it up at the very last nano-second, it just  comes rushing out. My mouth says it and I breath a sigh of relief that I didn't ruin the show.

On the stage you can't see anything. The crowd is just a mass of shapes hidden by a blinding light. It's like being in a tinted glass cage where everyone can see in but you can't see out. It's almost easy to forget they are there. Almost. In fact, they aren't supposed to be there. Sure, there are some sketches where the actors interact with the audience or  give them soliloquies, but aside from the rare exception, the audience are viewers  not participants. They are supposed to watch as you make yourself vulnerable. You aren't acting for them, you are acting for your partner. Actually, you aren't acting at all; you are living in someone else's body in their life for those brief moments,  seeing the choices they make and helping them make those choices.

These characters that I take on are people too. It's hard to explain. They are imaginary and short-lived, but they have feelings, a past, hopes, dreams,  depression, and crap that they have to  deal with, just like me. They get bored, frustrated, nervous, curious, confused and angry, fall in love and want revenge--just like me. Sometimes you wonder why these people are doing what they are doing; why they aren't doing what you want--you can't control them though because they make the choices for themselves, even if you don't think  they are the best choices. Sometimes you want to scream at them "What were you thinking! I don't understand you and I want  to!" but it's useless because they just don't get it and they don't care what you think. It sucks to invest so much time and energy into someone who doesn't get it, doesn't care, and for all practical purposes won't exist in a little while. At the same time, I can be any of them and not worry about what someone thinks about what they say or do because it's not  ME saying it--it's them. It's difficult to surrogate for them, but a privilege.

Looking back, I'm still not sure why I act. I'm not doing it for fame, and  I don't get  paid.

Perhaps even through all the difficulties, it's just easier to be someone  else with all their crap than to be myself.

Or maybe it's easier to walk in someone else's shoes than my own. I don't think anyone could play me.

Being A Creeper

I do have to keep telling myself this, but: No, I'm not a creeper. Of course, who really thinks they are a creeper? It takes a really creepy person to acknowledge that they are a creeper, and then not care. Anyway, the point is: everyone has some creepy qualities that they probably don't think about, but other people look at and think...eew. To you and me, our habits are normal, but sometimes we need an outside eye to show us where to draw the line.

I first realized it last week after reading a novel for class. In the novel, "40 Signs of Rain" there is a character who sees a woman who he thinks would be a suitable mate for reproduction (he thinks this because he sees she has strong legs that would be ideal for outrunning predators on the savanna--I kid you not) so he follows her for a while. He didn't even have any intentions on his mind, he just wanted to follow her. He follows her so long that eventually they end up in an elevator together alone. If you want to know what happens next you'll have to read it.

Anyway, When reading this scene in the book, I didn't really think much of it. I kind of read it just like another plot point and continued. I was surprised, however, to get to class and find the teacher making such a huge deal about what a creeper this guy was. I guess when you stop and think about it--it is a little bit strange to go out of your way to follow someone that you've never met, just because you think they are attractive. On the other hand, I'm not sure if it's any less creepy to follow someone  that you DO know. The point was--I just read through it and didn't find it creepy until someone else pointed it out to me; it made me wonder what some creepy habits I might have that go unnoticed. 

I can't say that I've actually ever followed someone random down the street, let alone get in an elevator with them, but I think my biggest catalyst to creepiness would be Facebook. I'm not even sure how it starts. I might be on the "people you may know" page, or see a picture of someone who looks familiar on a friends profile, and then I'll click it. And then I'll check out some of their pictures, and see another familiar name or face and before you know it, I've found the profile of some random person in Iowa and I'm reading their quote wall, or trying to figure out their religious beliefs, political preferences, and their hobbies. I'll never message them, or meet them, or even see them, but I think I just like finding out about people.

I know that when we look at ourselves, we tend to let certain flaws or characteristics slide as opposed as when we judge others. Well, with some things I judge myself more harshly, but that is a general rule of thumb.  Maybe I do need to tighten up the bolts on my creepiness before it gets out of hand and someone notices. 

But anyway, I guess it comes down to it. I'm a creeper. 

A Letter

Hey Future me, whats up dude!?!

I know you are very wealthy and good looking, intelligent and popular, and think I'm kinda weird, but unless you've changed into a jerk, I know you can read over this like you are getting a letter from an old friend. I'm a friend for my part at least. I mean, I really hope you haven't changed into a jerk--that would ruin almost everything that I've striven for so far in my life. I've written you letters before, and  whenever I've gotten them I've always just skimmed them non-nonchalantly and thought they were pretty awkward and a little bit stupid. I shake my head because past me was so petty and immature. I know you won't judge me like that though because I'm more mature now than when I read those letters before, and I know that you are more mature than I am now.

Writing to you sucks because I can tell you anything and everything in an attempt to get it off my mind, but this relationship is kinda one-sided because you never write me back. I really wish you would. I'm sure the laws of physics will be able to be broken by the time you get around to this so it shouldn't be a problem.

I know there is that witty remark about how the destination isn't as important as the journey--yea, yea--but I really just wish you could share some of your wisdom with me! How did you do it man? How did you make it to where you are now? I could really use some of those nuggets you have attained over the years. How did you let go of the things that shouldn't have been dwelt on, and forget the things that were unimportant? I hate to be burdening you with all my crap--I'm sure that you've got some of your own to deal with, but I wish you could just let out one of your little laughs that you do, pat me on the back and tell me that it's not going to be so bad. Everything that I worry about now is pretty insignificant to the problems that I'll face coming up. Ugh, That's not much of a consolation. But in the same way that I thought it was the end of the world if I missed  a homework assignment in high school, and thought it was more of the end of the world if I failed a test in college, I know that you will be able to tell me with certainty that everything going on now isn't going to be an issue at all. It will work itself out.

Please. Just tell me it will work out for the best. That's all I want to know. And maybe a lotto number or great novel idea.

I can't really explain this. I know I don't have to though, because you've already been here. You know what it's like.

Your best bud,

Matt

P.S. I'd appreciate an answer pretty soon. I know you will be able to time it so I get it in the minute or two before I send this, with all the capabilities of physics in the future. I'm not into the whole delayed gratification thing so it would be awesome if I could get a reply before I even send this off. Even though I consider myself a very patient person, sometimes it's hard to keep everything in check.

[Date xx/xx/xxxx Confidential: Matt Struven] A reply

Hey Matt!

I've had to call in quite a few favors to do this. Especially the "pre-other post" bit that you threw in there; you are so difficult sometimes. You and your little cry for help has cost me quite a pretty penny, but this should arrive right on time. Actually, it's slightly illegal too, so don't go telling anyone what I did. The character limit on this letter is pretty small because the technology is relatively new. I shall be brief on this one and hopefully when the technology matures a little bit I will be able to send you a longer, more in-depth one in the future. Of course, you will actually be in the future by then, so you will be the one writing this to your past self, like I am doing now. (But un-illegally of course) (It's confusing, don't worry about it. This is why you chose to be an English Major, remember!)

No, I'm not a jerk, I'm rather awesome (In the most humble way possible), but I think if I told you how everything turned out, it would ruin your life. You would become complacent and let everything fall into your lap. You might even ruin the future that you have by missing out on opportunities with the thought that everything will turn out fine. My only words to you are that nothing is certain; even what you have been told is certain  is not. People and circumstances change all the time, and the littlest choice can have the most profound effect. You already know this, but I need to reiterate it because in times of sorrow you sometimes feel complacent about your choices. 

You need to work for what you want and find people to invest in who will take care of you no matter what. Be strong and move on from the dead things in your life that do you no good. I can't tell you how, you have to figure it out for yourself. If I help the butterfly out of his cocoon, the blood won't have gotten forced into his now useless wings by the difficult endeavor, and he will die alone on the ground; so much potential wasted. 

You screw  up things sometimes, just like  people screw with you sometimes, but the past is the past and there is nothing to be done about it. Forgive, don't hold a grudge. Accept forgiveness and change your ways. Some people cannot be trusted and some people wish only the best for you, but you often don't know which is which until it's too late. 

I'm still not exactly sure what I wanted to hear, but I know that this will help anyway because sometimes you just need to know you aren't alone. 

Your friend,

Matt

P.S.  You live in the computer age. You can edit text right there. You don't need to use 'P.S.' all the time. I know you are trying to be classy and humorous, but get over yourself.

P.P.S Sorry, I'm still a hypocrite. 

P.P P.S. Actually, it does feel kind of good :) 

P.P.P.P.S. Old man's Memoirs. You know what I mean. 

The Funny Side of Life

It's funny, when you think you are going to die. Well, definitely not funny in the moment...but looking back on it, I find it funny. Before you go calling me psychotic and crazy, in this case, funny isn't like "Haha, that was funny and I'm going to laugh" funny;  funny as in... interesting. Intriguing. Now, I've seen people scared before.  Screaming scared. Scared white. Scared and a couple drops of pee came out. I'm not sure if these people weren't convinced they were going to die or not; I  was. I don't tend to freak out in these situations.

It's only happened to me a couple times. Two to be exact, before now. Both were in the water. One, I was ocean swimming in North Carolina and I was super tired cause I'd been at it for a while. All the sudden I realized that I was pretty far out and really far away from where everyone else was and I wasn't making headway into the land because of the current. No matter how hard I tried I just couldn't make any more distance. Well, obviously I'm sitting here writing this so I did end up living--but I thought I was going to fatigue out and not make it in.

The second, water skiing. My dad was driving the boat and I was behind, about to get towed and I found the rope wrapped around me neck and I was getting dragged along while under the surface. I was holding my breath  but I was still getting towed by my head and I had water coming up my nose and into my mouth; obviously I managed to survive that one too.

This last recent one, well I just couldn't breath. No particular reason. I stood there for a good 30 seconds gasping to no avail; I probably looked like a fish, standing up, arms above my head, mouth open. Finally, I got the  breath. Events  like this had been happening for a week or so, and I'd even been  suddenly waking up at night unable to breath. Finally I got another breath, and another, and calmed down a little bit. After I had stabilized, I sat down and thought to myself, "I probably won't live through the night." And I didn't care.

This isn't to say that I hate living; I still have potential for my life that I want to live out. It worries me that I'm so complacent about dying though. After I had the thought of mortality, I sat down and kept doing my homework. So much for epic "last night on earth" scenarios  that I've played with my friends over and over in the past. Well, I'm not sure if I was complacent or...peaceful. Sure, in a moment before death there can be the initial physical shock of pain, or the panic because of water in the lungs or a lack of oxygen; my body was gasping, but mentally I was...peaceful. Unworried. Maybe because I know that everyone dies. Maybe because I realize if I'm meant to die then I'm meant  to die and nothing is going to stop it, and if I'm not meant to die, then I'm not going to die.

I went to the ER. Apparently there is nothing wrong with me. Tell my body that--it's the one that still can't breath. Maybe I will die in my sleep tonight, or the next night, or the next, and I've simply been writing my future down on the page. I did finish my homework tonight  though, and what a better way to spend a last night on earth than by leaving the last thoughts of my brain on a website for everyone to see. I hope all my grammar and spelling are correct.

Of course, to quote the Joker, "...in their last moments,  people show you who they really are."

What does  this tell me about who I am?

Meeting New People

Think about all the people that you know. No, not all at once; just a few. Think about the ones that are closest to you. Except your blood family. Choose a couple of the most important ones and think about how you met them. Choose the  ones who have influenced you as the person that you are, and the choices that you have made in your life.

Perhaps you met them at:

Work
School
Church
Neighbors
A friend's house

Maybe you don't even remember, but more often than not, you met these people in a place you wouldn't normally associate with meeting people, or in a situation you wouldn't have imagined.

Growing up  in  my home town for 23 years, I had quite a base of people that I knew. Everywhere that I went I would see people that I knew and that knew me. Every time I would go to the store I would see someone I knew working, or walking around, and just driving places I was bound to see a familiar face on the road.

No longer. I go to the store now and don't get  a glance from anyone. I don't see people that I know when I go to the park, or stop at the gas station. I definitely took it for granted. I don't know anybody in this town, and I don't know how to meet them. I mean sure, I had 23 years to work on it in my home town and I don't expect to be the most popular guy on the street within two weeks; I think it will take AT LEAST a month.

I have a friend who was selling a small dresser on Craigslist. Last week he got married to the girl who showed up to buy it. Another friend who was running a marathon in place of someone who had registered but was unable to. He is now married to a  girl he met there.

There are no places conducive to just MEETING people who are looking to be met though. You kind of just have to live your life and hope that some good ones pop up. You can't think, "Today I'm going to meet my best friend" and then just go find them. You never know when you are going to meet someone who changes the course of your life and diverts your path in new directions. If that's not one good reason to shower and brush your teeth every day, I don't know what is.

Take the Hit

Sometimes life just hits you with a fast ball when you were ready for the curve and there isn't much you can do about it. You had been practicing all your life and getting better at hitting those curves and suddenly it's not what you expect. You realize a little too late that you're kinda screwed, but you swing anyway. Sometimes you miss, and sometimes you get a home run.

I had a curve ball recently. I didn't miss, and I didn't hit a home run. I guess that line drive just out of reach of third gave me enough time to get safely to first. We'll see what happens though. I'm sliding into first but the baseman might already have the ball.

At least I swung though. I could have just given up and taken the strike. And then another strike, and then another. They add up quick and before you know it, you're out. You never know when your next chance up at bat will be. Perhaps it's the last inning; perhaps not. Too bad you aren't guaranteed 9 innings at life so you never know.

Looking Back

Another year come and gone.

It's funny how quickly the last year has passed. As I look back on the past year, it doesn't seem like it has been that much time at all. I can clearly remember the things I was doing a year ago on certain dates and where I was, how I was feeling, the people I was with, and what I thought the future held. I remember certain activities on certain days, 4th of July, my birthday, Halloween, but as the anniversaries of these days pass, it doesn't seem like a year has gone by, perhaps only a couple months. Time does go faster the older I get.

As the time passes and the years keep adding themselves to my life, sometimes I feel like I am going nowhere fast. If you would have asked me 5 years ago, or even a year ago where I thought I would be right now, I wouldn't have said here. Plans have a way of not coming to fruition.

"Man makes plans and God laughs"

This year ahead is a year of change. New Beginnings, hopefully new people and new things to fill my time with. As I look back on my last year, it has been full of good things, but also disappointment. Hopefully when I reach next year, and look back on this year, it will be a year that helped to shape me for the better; I hope every year after this is one that I can look back upon fondly and see that it helped me to get where I needed to go.

Where will I be in a year?

Where will you be in a year?

Trying to be Polite

I like when people take an interest in me and the things I'm doing. It's great! People ask me questions and smile when I'm telling them about the things that I like, how I'm feeling, and the things that I'm doing with my life.

It does, however, get quite annoying when different people ask you the same question over, and over, and over, and over again, specifically at family functions with people that you don't see but once every couple years. The first couple times I am excited, and then after that a little less, but I still enthusiastically tell my life situation. A while after that I simple start to rattle off bullet points of information, and drone on until all the basics have been covered. Soon after that I simply say that things are going great and nothing has changed; I then stand there and hope the person will walk away bored.

It's not their FAULT. Perhaps they were truly interested, were sitting next to me and felt the need to politely converse, or perhaps they were bored and needed conversation--with any of those options they didn't know that they were the twelfth person that day, and probably 50th person that month to ask me the same questions and tell me the same "interesting facts" that 'nobody else knows'. I try to have patience, but it sometimes wears thin.

Anyway, you know it's a boring party when, after a few minutes of listening to the random conversations around me, I know that all of them can somehow be traced back to the things I told each and every one of those people. There's no way that everyone cares so much about what I'm doing that they want to talk about it at a party--there's just nothing else to talk about.

It just made me think about the things that I really like to converse about. Sure--I like when people take an interest in me, but it doesn't mean that I like to talk about myself all day. Not to toot my own horn--I'm pretty interesting, yea, but even I get sick of myself after a while.

Old People

In my "Too Much Time Together" post, I didn't give enough credit to the old people. Granted, they are cranky and old, and yell a lot, and sometimes smell, and could be nicer, but I often forget:


They were babies once: they cried and needed food and their diapers changed, completely dependent on the people that brought them into the world.


They were toddlers once: Getting their teeth, learning to walk and talk and not make messes in their pants


They were children once: Running and playing, skinning knees and getting kisses from their mothers. They ate candy and climbed fences, rode bikes and slept under the stars, went to school and found out new things about life.


They were teens once: Getting yelled at by their parents, getting crushes and boyfriends and girlfriends and rejections and zits and hair in weird places and having their voices crack. They stayed up late and Toilet-papered houses, made new friends, felt depressed sometimes, inspired other times, and yelled at their parents.


They were in their 20's once: Feeling lost, moving out of the house, going to college, road tripping, getting jobs, falling in love and getting married; defining the kind of person that they were going to be for the rest of their lives.


They were parents once: waking up to crying babies in the night, changing diapers and feeding them, helping their children walk and talk and taking them to school. They yelled at their kids, and got yelled at by their kids, loved their kids and helped to shape the kind of people their kids would be. They fought with their spouses about how the children should be raised, and how finances should be managed, and still managed to stick together and find love through it all. They watched their kids move out, and go to college and have children of their own.


And as their own children's children grew up, suddenly they felt more isolated; left by the ones that they sacrificed so much for. As their bodies failed more and more, their knees and backs gave, their lungs weakened, they are less mobile, unable to even take care of themselves. They sit, unable to be the person that they were earlier in their life. They sit with nothing but their memories and an inability to even take care of themselves.


They are helpless.


They are alone.


I can see why they are bitter.


I was a baby once, crying and needing food, having my diapers changed, completely dependent on my parents. I was a toddler once, getting my teeth and learning to walk and talk and yes, not make a mess in my pants. I was a child once, running and playing and skinning my knees and getting kisses from my mother. Eating candy and climbing fences, riding bikes and sleeping under the stars; going to school and learning more about life. I was a teen once, getting yelled at by my parents, getting crushes and rejections and zits and hair in weird places and having my voice crack; toilet-papering houses, making new friends, feeling depressed sometimes, inspired other times, and yelling at my parents.


I have so many more memories I could put, but it would go on for hours and hours. So many important things and so many mundane things that are still important to me. I couldn't fit all my childhood, and teenage, and young adult memories on to this page, nor even remember them all at one go. I would start, and then remember more and more and more, and then finally forget the things that I had remembered to remember at the beginning because there is so much to remember. I might go crazy if I tried to remember my whole life at once. As I look back, the things I cared about so much as a child are meaningless, and the trials I faced then are so easy now. All the small things that I don't even think about on a daily basis are amazing, and I do miss them. They helped me to figure out who I am now.

And so, I go to college, and sometimes feel lost, and go on road trips, and have jobs, and am moving out, but there is so much more ahead of me. Unfathomable things. And ordinary things. Things I have to do, and things I want to do. Things I am dreading doing and things that are part of living a normal life.

When I get to the end of my life, I just hope that someone is still around who understands me. Someone who knows that I didn't used to only be a stinky smelly, crazy old man. Perhaps that person will keep me sane and I won't turn into the kind of old person that I see around me all the time.

I don't want to be helpless, bitter, or alone.

I want to be different.

Stories

There is a guy at my place of employment who tells way too many stories. Apparently, he used to be a Seabee, and never ceases to remind us. Every time he sees something, it reminds him of a story, and he HAS to tell it. He will go on for hours throughout the day, just telling us of his experiences. I have come to expect to hear the drone of his voice as I am working, and if I don't hear it--it is now uncomfortably quiet. He literally will re-tell the same story over and over, multiple times in a day. 


You might think that an ex-military man has some interesting stories. Yea, sure--he has some interesting ones here and there, but most of them are pointless stories that aren't even funny and have no meaning. Most of them, I guess you just had to be there. 


He is a walking memoir. He always uses the names of the people too, like we should know who they are. Sometimes his stories are a sentence, and sometimes a movie could be adapted from it. Lots of times he will just change the subject to tell a completely irrelevant story, or make extremely vague connections to a story that he just wants to tell. 


Now don't get me wrong; I love telling stories too. I have lots of stories. I could tell you HOURS of stories of things that happened to me. Maybe 5 hours. That's a lot of story telling. Well, actually, considering the fact that I only have a few hours of stories for my nearly 23 years of life (as of today, I have been alive for approximately 201157.584 hours [that means that 5 hours is ~1/40,000th of my current lifespan]), it's kind of unimpressive, but still--I have more stories than most people.


Personally, I get super excited when I start to tell a story. When people are listening, it makes me feel like people actually care about the things that happened to me. I feel like they actually are interested in the experiences that have shaped me as a person; interested in me. Of course, more often than not, I get to the end of this amazing story that I have been building up for 5 minutes and there is a FANTASTIC ending, and I say it, and the person or people that I was telling the story to are completely uninterested. Sometimes they aren't even listening and sometimes they stand there, completely not understanding the humor of the story, or the impact that it  had on my life. It sucks when, something that is important to you, is unaccepted by others.


Maybe that's how this guy feels. He feels alone and is trying to tell the stories of his life so that people will hear them, and become interested and by them, and then become interested in the person that he is.


I mean, personally, I usually like hearing the stories that other people tell. I like to try to imagine what they were feeling and why they made the choices they did, and sometimes put myself in their shoes. Not everyone does though. Most people are too self-centered.


Bluntly put, most people just don't care about the stories that you have to tell, because the story isn't about them. 

Something Better

I don't like trying lots of new ice cream flavors. I mean, I don't HATE trying new ice cream flavors, I love almost every kind of ice cream, but I tend to stick with the ones that I know are good. It doesn't mean that I don't know that there are some pretty amazing flavors out there.

It really sucks though when you go to the ice cream shop with a friend 100 times, and every single time they get Vanilla. Now, Vanilla isn't a BAD flavor--but there are so many things that are better than Vanilla. No, not Vanilla. Some AMAZING flavor. Something SUPER GOOD. Insert your own flavor right there. But it goes bad after sitting for too long in the little bucket that they have at Ice Cream shops. It gets all moldy and gross and that shop just won't bring in a new tub of that flavor until the old one is gone. Your friend just keeps on getting that old moldy ice cream and throwing up every time they have it, but they keep getting it because it USED to be good, and they want that good taste again.

Wow, this is a horrible analogy.

Let's start over.

It sucks when you have a friend that is doing something stupid. They know it is stupid, but they don't stop. They know that their situation is horrible but they don't know anything better. When they are dating someone that they hate, and they have broken up with them and gotten back together with them 3 times. In the past 6 months. But they don't know anything better. And they are insecure. And they hate them self for it, and they want something better, and they tried, but they always go back to what they know.

Like a dog to vomit.

They could have any kind of ice cream that they wanted, but they stick with their moldy ice cream, just because it used to be good.

Now I'm all for FIXING what's broken instead of just throwing it away, but some things just can't be fixed.

It kind of sucks though because I've never had that better kind of ice cream, but I can totally tell that it's better than what they have in their hand right now. Almost anything is better than that moldy crap.

What they have in their hand used to be fine, but it's gone bad, and no matter how many sprinkles you put on it, and how many times you put it in the microwave to kill the mold, then try to re-freeze the icecream, it will never be good.

It's easy to tell that, when someone is never happy when they are with the person they are dating, it's time to change something. It just sucks because no matter how many times they text and call you and chat to you asking for advice and telling you how horrible their situation is, and how many times you tell them what they need to do, they just don't do it.

Too Much Time Together

I don't hate old people. Generally, they are super nice to me. They give me cookies, and sometimes pay me to do yard work for them because they are unable to do it themselves. I have, however, had lots of interactions with them at the places that I work. I am extremely polite to them, and I have noticed that they are extremely polite to me as well (in most cases). The married ones tend to hate each other very much though.

One time when I was working at In-N-Out, a very sweet old couple came up to me at the register. They each politely ordered their food, and nothing was out of the ordinary until it came time to pay. The man pulled out his credit card and started to pay me, and the woman told him that she had cash and to just wait a second. I was in no hurry (because I got payed by the hour) and was patiently waiting, but the man kept insisting that I take the card because she was taking too long to get the money out of her wallet. Well, yes, she was getting EXACT change, but I didn't care. Anyway, they proceeded to literally start hitting each other in the hands and arms to try to make sure that the other person's form of currency wasn't accepted and were scuffling for probably 30 seconds before the lady finally managed to pry the credit card out of the man's hand and throw it on the ground. While he was picking it up, she smiled at me and politely handed me the correct change. I was flabbergasted at the fact that they were actually being physically violent with each other in such a public place. 

More recently, I was working at a job where I was packing out a house for a very elderly couple in their 80's. Each of these people on their own was a very polite individual, smiling and being very understanding of the situations that were placed before them. However, on multiple occasions daily, the man would require something of his wife or vice versa. He would yell at her and she would yell back and before you knew it there were profanities being thrown all over the place. "Goddamnit Judy" was the most used term I believe. Sarcastic remarks seemed to be what their conversations were mostly made of, but I couldn't even believe some of the other things he was saying to her. I would never willingly defile the eyes of my readers with them. After they had cursed at each other for a few sentences, they would return back to whatever they were doing like nothing happened.

I hope I don't turn out like that, hating the person that I have been with for a long time. It breaks my heart to see people who have stuck it out for so long simply treating their partner like trash, even in public. Sure, I believe that speaking what is on your mind is very important, but sometimes a tone and vocabulary filter do come in handy.

Perhaps Just One

Some people care a lot

Lots of people don't care at all

Some people pretend to care

Some people understand lots of things

Lots of people understand some things

Lots of people pretend to understand

Nobody really understands

There are some things you can talk to anyone about

There are lots of things you can't talk to anyone about

There are some things you can talk to some people about

There are lots of things you can talk to lots of people about

There are some people you can't talk to about anything

There aren't very many people you can talk to about anything

I wish I had more people that I could talk to about anything

It's just that not enough people care

It's just that not enough people understand enough

It's just that people pretend

Lining all of the variables up to find someone who you can talk to about anything who understands enough and cares, and doesn't pretend--that's a tough one.

All things come to an end.

Possibilites

Have you ever had so much on your mind that you actually couldn't think about anything? There is literally too much to think about and I don't know where to start; my mind just kind of goes blank and sits there like a computer that has overloaded and now the screen is frozen. It happens to me a lot. First I get an idea, and then another, and soon I have a few and am being pensive and then I get melancholy, and soon depression follows. I think about what has happened what should have happened, what could have happened, what I wanted to happen, what didn't happen, what can still happen, what can't happen, what won't happen, why it won't happen, what I want to happen, what is actually going to happen, what is the most probable thing to happen, how I can make what I want happen, what can happen if it goes wrong, what other possibilities will be opened by the things that happen, and of course, other people. (I'm sure I forgot a couple things in there, but lay off--my mind is pretty dead right now) I seldom actually realize what is happening right now. That might cause problems in future happenings.

There was a point to all this but I forgot what it was. Oh well, there's a lot to think about and a lot that can happen, and not enough time to figure it all out.

Impervious Forcefields

So the other morning I had my window open. When it is open there are 2 panes of glass next to each other with a small space in between them as the two different parts of the sliding window line up. There was a fly on one side and a small spider on the other. The fly was nonchalantly walking around on one side of the glass and the spider was mirroring his movements, frantically scurrying trying to get to him so he could catch him and suck all the juices out. This went on for about 30 seconds before the fly just flew away, bumping into the pane multiple times, then landing on the other side of the window. The spider then just sat there motionless until I left the room. Animals are pretty dumb sometimes.

That spider probably thought it was so important to get that fly right then and there or else he would die, but I know that he didn't die because I saw him on the wall last night. Right before I smooshed him. Pushing the morality of my actions out of the way-- the whole situation just reminded me that sometimes the things that we want or think we need are actually impossible to get in our current situation. Sometimes something looks so easily attainable, but without intervention from forces beyond our control--it will never happen. I get so easily frustrated when things aren't going the way that I think they should, but I just need to learn to sit back and let them happen. Not be stupidly complacent about my life, but just go wit' da flo'. I hope I don't get smooshed by a large creature a thousand times my size, then wrapped in a giant Kleenex and thrown into a swirling vortex of water though. That would ruin all my plans.

Exhaustion

Right now, I'm exhausted. I guess working 18 hour days can get bad pretty quick. 3 in a row. At the end of a 7 day work week. Ending at 3am. Doing manual labor. Yea, this is one reason I'm going to school--so I don't have to do this for the rest of my life. I now have lots of respect for the people who do this on a regular basis just to feed their families; but I digress.

The first day was new and exciting. In a city away from home, demo-ing a badly damaged building into the wee hours of the morning. The second day wasn't too bad, but the second night was the worst. No end in sight. The third--difficult from the exhaustion but knowing that we'd be leaving the next day brought hope. I had the same song stuck in my head, literally for all three days. I would wake up in the morning and the first thing I would do was whistle the tune. It would pop in and out of my head until 3 in the morning when I hit the pillow. 7:30 wake-up, there it was again. Perhaps the work was so mentally un-stimulating that my brain had to think of a way to keep occupied while my body wore itself out. I think it was the last song that I heard before I got out of the truck and started the first work at the job sight--fitting that it would play again on the radio just as we were leaving.

There was no time for recreating and just barely enough to rest. 3 hours the first night, 4 the second and 6 the third. It got increasingly more and more difficult to get up each day, and sleeping, tired though I was at the end of the day, was difficult because once it gets going, your body is hard to slow down. Even as I sat motionless in the truck on the way back, I could almost feel my body gasping up the much needed rest it was finally getting.

Yet, I still find the tiniest bit of energy left in me to press the little keys and spurt a few words onto the page. I need to keep reminding myself that writing is actually invigorating and not draining. It helps bring me to life.

Faces

Have you ever looked long and hard at someone that you have known for a very long time? No, there is no hidden meaning here--I really mean just looked at them; their face and their features. I realized recently that I don't really LOOK at the people that I know anymore. Of course I see them and talk to them, but when I see someone new on the street, I notice many more of their features than I do my close friends and family. I have known these people for years and years, and when I see them my mind automatically connects a name and a face and a personality. But when I look at a person's face for a long time that I have known for a while, they become strange. It's a hard phenomenon to explain. Its almost like I look past the person that I know to just see their body--they fade into being just another stranger on the street. I notice their eyes and their nose and their mouth and their hair.  The strange thing is, it works with my face as well. Usually I glance in the mirror, but I don't sit there and study myself; when I do take a look at my features, I also fade into strangeness.

The things that I usually first notice about a stranger seem to pop out at me from the people that I know all to well--I guess its just one of the many reminders that every single person that I know is just another human on this planet. These are just the ones that I care about more.

The Chain of Command

So, having been around in a few jobs here and there, I have realized how this whole "workplace hierarchy" thing works. Let us pretend that there is a lady who is in a place of power in the workplace. One morning, while eating breakfast, her little child spills hot grits (They live in Alabama) all over her nice dress. The lady is burned and slightly frustrated, and goes to change her dress. On they way to school (She is one of the few Alabamians who makes her child go to school), there was a tractor accident on the road, and compounded by the fact that she had to change her dress, she ends up dropping her child off late to school, gets an evil eye from the teacher, and then also ends up late at work.

The day was off to a bad start, and she was very frustrated, so she yelled at her underling about a small mistake he made a few weeks ago; it wasn't really that big of a deal, but she needed to take her anger out on someone and she chose him. Well this underling, who was having just a fine day until the yelling started, became angry and began yelling at the office intern because he forgot to make a fresh pot of coffee after the old one was out (even though he had been working on something that was actually important). Well the office intern, after being yelled at, went to go yell at the office secretary because she forgot to make an extra copy of an order for all of their fake mullets that are coming back into style (This is a toupee making company). The poor office secretary decides that she is sick of the intern yelling at her, so she messes up some orders on purpose and all of the sudden, the president is wearing a toupee that changes colors from different angles instead of the normal brown one he thought he had on, and the United States is the laughing stock of the world. Even little children can have an impact on world affairs--but I digress. 

The point is, the mood that one has while going into the workplace, and the way that they treat others, can have a huge impact on the way that they treat the people below them, and the way that they do their work. One small bad mood can leap all the way down the chain of command and effect everyone that it touches.

Me? Well honestly I don't get frustrated, even under huge amounts of pressure, unless other people are frustrated with me. I know other people make mistakes so I am willing to give them leeway, and I know that I make mistakes so I also can't expect other people to be perfect. If I mess up, I will work harder and do what it takes to fix it, but getting yelled and yelling at others won't help the situation at all. People will just keep getting pissed off at each other, nothing will get fixed, and horrible, horrible things will happen.

Wealth

I have a friend who recently became very wealthy. Wealthy, as in, able to purchase a house in Santa Barbara at the age of 23, wealthy. When he told me the news, at first I thought he was kidding, but as  we continued to converse via Facebook, I learned  that he was actually being 100% serious.

My reaction? Well, I was surprised and happy for him--not at all jealous. While  having a lot of money might make things in life a lot easier, I know that it won't bring true happiness. If I was wealthy I probably wouldn't buy all the nicest things that I could find anyway. Sure, I'd get a nicer computer, and a nicer car, eat steak more often, have more parties with my friends, and move into my own house, but I don't think that I would really change my lifestyle at all.

Ok, so I said that my initial reaction wasn't jealousy, but it was. No, not jealousy over his money--I don't find myself often dreaming of vast wealth. I was more jealous over his circumstance and his motivation. He is a millionaire at the age of 23 and engaged so a girl that has supported him through poverty and cancer. My jealousy was more along the lines of, Why can't I be as lucky as him" or "Why can't I be motivated like he is?" I know that if I pushed myself I could find ways to make exorbitant amounts of money, but what is the point? Not that I'll throw it away if I get it, but I don't really care all that much about money.

He kept saying to me over and over "There are good times ahead Matt." I know for him that he's telling the truth, but I'm also not someone to mooch off my friends just because they have money, so I'm pretty sure that my times will stay the same unless he goes out of his way to make my life more comfortable; honestly I don't know why he would choose me above anyone else though. We don't hang out a TON, but I still would consider us friends because of how he has relied on me in some of his past trials. I guess the point that I'm trying to make through all of this, is that I hope he doesn't change who he is and who he wants to become just because he has a fatter wallet now. He's a great guy that, while sometimes lost, has true motives and a good heart that I don't want to see corrupted by wealth. I even told him to his face, "Don't change the person that you are just because you have money now." I hope He listens. I know he wants to.

While his "good times" are about to start, I have no idea when mine will start, if ever. I hope that they start sooner rather than later, and that when they do start, I won't have become someone that I hate along the road.

Just Passing Through

I haven't really thought about it  deeply until now, but I meet lots of new people. Lots. I mean, in my general, every day boring life I don't really meet that many new people, however, having worked at camps for the past few summers, I have met people from different areas of the country and even from different parts of the world. Not only has working at camps brought me into contact with lots of new people, but having foreign exchange students live with me has also introduced me to lots of new people that I definitely wouldn't have met under normal circumstances.

Over the time that we spent together, I have become excellent friends with many of these people. Not just activity partners that I would hang out with sometimes when I was bored. True Friends. The ones who felt you. You know the ones I mean.

But then it ends. Camp is over and everyone leaves. The semester ends and they go back to their country.

They disappear.

Poof. Oblivion.

At first you communicate a lot, and of course there is talk of meeting up again, but as time passes, whether or not communication is upheld and visits occur, the distance and lack of personal interaction dulls the relationship. They slip away. Even as hard as I try, and as hard as I can tell that they are trying, to still be friends, it doesn't work.

It is depressing to invest so deeply into someone and then have them simply plucked away to go back to wherever they came from before. All of the time we spent. All of the things we talked about. All the memories we share.

Gone.

I am left with an emptiness that nobody else I know can understand. Maybe an orphanage mother, whose children come, grow and leave without so much as a "thank you", even after all that love was given, understands what I go through.

It's almost like death. It seems pointless to even try if eventually they will leave. Is it better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all? Or perhaps eventually I become hardened by my continuous loss and have nothing left to give.

Yea, good friends are hard to come by. Holding onto the ones I have seems to be hard enough let alone finding new ones that are suitable replacements. You can't really ever replace someone who was a part of you.

Saying goodbye sucks.

A lot.

No really. It does.

Livinz Ez

I love these days. The ones where you don't actually remember what day of the week it is because its summertime. The ones where you wake up and head straight outside to eat your breakfast because it is so nice out. The ones where you don't actually have to wake up at any particular time. Sometimes I set my alarm anyway, just so I don't waste the day. The ones where you go play volleyball, then go home and take a nap only to go swimming in the pool a little while later. Or where you play frisbee for an hour then go to the beach, or go on a hike. The days filled with sun and naps. The ones where you want to go outside because it is so pleasant, but you know you will burn in an instant because of the previous hours. I love sharing them with  the people I care about.

Too bad they wont last forever.

I can't wait until I retire.

Maturity

Maturity is one of those measurements that is super vague. Usually one would say "He is very mature for his age", or "He is so immature"...but who exactly decides what is mature and what is not? Sure, maybe standing on your desk and yelling in the middle of class can be counted as immature--but other than outlandishly obnoxious things, who makes the call?

I think that Maturity isn't so much the actions that you do in certain situations, but a certain mindset that one attains as they age. Sure, certain actions can generally point to the overall maturity level of an individual, but everone, mature or not, has their mature, or immature moments--they can be more mature in certain situations than in others.

One way in which people show their maturity is by the responsibilities that they have and actually attend to. Responsibilities over items, situations, and people. Those who are more mature usually have their priorities set straight and will tend to those matters which require immediate attention above those which can be put off a little bit longer. No, this isn't one of my many ways in which I try to advocate procrastination--in fact procrastination can be seen as a sign of immaturity. Instead of putting off until later those things that need to be done in place of recreational activities, those more pressing matters are taken care of by the mature.

Another sign of maturity is the value that one places on ones morals and the upholding of said morals. Of course, I know some very "mature people" who don't have the strongest set of morals, but the morals that they do have are held in place by their maturity and they don't give up ground to the things that they don't beleive in.

The biggest sign of maturity is, for lack of a better term, non-insecurities. Children are afraid that people will outcast them; mature people aren't afraid to be judged.

They aren't afraid that other people will make fun of the way their physical bodies look--they realize there is no reason to be self conscious.

They aren't afraid that other people make fun of the types of people that they surround themself with, associating with the socially outcast is ok for a mature person.

They aren't afraid that other people will make fun of the people that they choose to be partners with, even if they aren't Brad Pitt and Jessica Alba

They aren't afraid that other people will judge the morals that they choose, and even hold out against peer pressure.

They aren't afraid that other people will judge the the activities and pasttimes that they partake in that may be socially taboo.

Mature people aren't afraid to say what is on their mind, and don't judge other people for the choices that they make.

A mature person doesn't care what other people think because they realize that what Dr. Suess said is true,

"Those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter."

Subtext

Acting has brought me a lot of insight to life in general that I might not have seen if I hadn't taken it up. I've  been thinking a lot about one thing in particular. Whenever playing a character, I not only have to keep in mind what my lines are, but what the lines of the other people are; more importantly, I have to think:

Why am I saying what is being said, and why am I reacting to other people's lines the way that I am?

In some plays, lines are just lines.

But lines are not just lines in every play.

I have to  play what is going on in my character's life, and what is going on in the other character's lives--more often than not, the lines I am saying have nothing to do with what my character really wants to say. I am playing things that have yet to come, things that have happened already in the play, and things that the audience doesn't even know about, yet play a huge role in my character's behavior.

Listening to the subtext makes theatre so much more interesting.

I realized that in real life also though, I'm not saying the things that I want to say. Or doing the things that I want to do. I feel like an actor in my own life.

Why though?

People never really say what they mean or do what they want either.

Lines are not just lines.

You convert it automatically when you are in a conversation--subtext is often led by body language so you are not only interpreting the words they are saying but the movements they are making and the tone of their voice. Of course, some people are excellent at making their lines very ambiguous.

Life with subtext makes it so much more difficult.

I want honest people. People have turned life into a big game. You know the people that I mean. I don't want to have to read the subtext because it gets confusing to have to read and interpret everyone's different signs. Just tell me like it is and I'll be grateful. Not Finess-less, just straightforward.

Mind and Body

It's funny, how your body reacts to your mental state. Well, not really funny--more often than not, simply annoying--but interesting nonetheless.

When I am happy, I smile
When I am angry, I flush and my throat clenches
When I get embarrassed, I flush and sweat
When I am scared, I sweat, my muscles tense and my pulse quickens
When I am excited my pupils dialate
When I am nervous, I sweat
When I am anxious, my stomach hurts
When I am disgusted, my stomach twists

There's another one that I have--I'm not sure if other people get  it too, but when I brood, I get overly leghargic. My stomach feels like an empty void, even if I've just eaten; eating again doesn't  help. I feel like I am going to vomit. It doesn't go away easily, usually I sleep it off.

Oh, and there's one more that combines all of these, yet is unlike any of these. Maybe thats the most important one.

Sometimes Friends...

I know friends are there to help you out--the bad thing is, sometimes they do and sometimes they don't. I mean, I'm not talking about "friends" who do inconsiderate actions simply for self-benefit and constantly are doing things that don't help you in any way shape or form. I'm talking about true friends, people who really care about you, who just mess up a little bit. I mean, I hope my judgement is good enough for me to be consistently choosing friends who really are selfless in the long run...

But friends are people too, and people make mistakes. Sometimes friends, even in all of their good intentions talk too much, and in the end, turn out to be a discouragement, even that is in no way what they intended. They have good ideas and are really trying to help, but sometimes, even though trying to be an encouragement, they discourage you. They end up making stuff worse.

Hm, well, I guess its the thought that counts. I'll try to focus on that.

Beauty

I see beautiful things everywhere. They are not necessarily the things that modern culture finds beautiful. I don't care.

It is beautiful when I hear two voices sing a melody and a harmony

It is beautiful when I see words flow together seamlessly on a page

It is beautiful when the peach tree blossoms

It is beautiful when the warm sand slightly sparkles on my skin

It is beautiful when the clouds cast their great shadows on the mountains

It is beautiful when I can see the details of the islands on a clear day

It is beautiful when I see some one's smile through their eyes

It is beautiful when a slight breeze rustles through the trees

It is beautiful when there is frost on the roof in the morning

It is beautiful when two musical notes fuse in a chord

It is beautiful when I cry because a story is so moving

It is beautiful when there are no buildings as far as the eye can see

It is beautiful when someone captures a moment with a camera

It is beautiful when the sky is darkened by clouds and the tumultuous sea whitecaps

It is beautiful when I jump in the pool on a hot day, then dry myself on the warm cement

It is beautiful when I clearly see the constellations at night

It is beautiful when I look out at a rainy day from next to a warm fire

It is beautiful when my friends tell me that I matter

It is beautiful when someone laughs at my joke

It is beautiful when I actually do stop to smell the roses

It is beautiful when I take the time to read and write

It is beautiful when I see a child giggle

It is beautiful when I see a dog's tail wagging

It is beautiful when I let my soul escape through art

It is beautiful when I grab a piece of fruit off of a tree as I walk by

It is beautiful when I finish a difficult task

It is beautiful when I sweat because I am working hard

It is beautiful when life isn't complicated, and I notice the simple things

It is beautiful when I don't care what someone thinks

It is beautiful when I wake up before sunrise

It is beautiful when I go to sleep at sunrise

It is beautiful when I have 10 choices of tea on a cold day

It is beautiful when the clouds cover the tips of the mountains

It is beautiful when the tips of the mountains peek through the clouds

It is beautiful when I see an old friend that I havn't seen in a long time

It is beautiful when I say goodbye, but know that we will still have a connection

It is beautiful when I cook a full dinner by myself

It is beautiful when I make myself a sandwhich for a midnight snack

It is beautiful when I keep on my uggs and pajamas the whole day

It is beautiful when I wake up no longer sick

It is beautiful when I take a nap in the sun on a warm afternoon

It is beautiful when I work as part of a team

It is beautiful when I climb rock formations

It is beautiful when I get to sleep in

It is beautiful when a ray of sun pierces through a cloud

It is beautiful when I see a massive jet flying by

It is beautiful when I see a butterfly foat in the breeze

It is beautiful when I see red roses and yellow roses and pink roses in a bunch

It is beautiful when I throw a frisbee and the wind carries it much further than I hoped

It is beautiful when I see two old people holding hands

It is beautiful when I see a cave so dark that I can't see

It is beautiful when I climb a tree

It is beautiful when I see a bird making a nest

It is beautiful when I hear a poet rhyme

It is beautiful when people applaude because they want to

It is beautiful when I see a rainbow in the sky

It is beautiful when I see a rainbow from the hose

It is beautiful when I smell a pine forest

It is beautiful when I see an amazing piece of art

It is beautiful when I see the mountains next to the sea

It is beautiful when I realize that there are so many things that I find beautiful, I can't even list them all.


Maybe life isn't so bad.


Beauty is not what people tell me is beautiful. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.


Find the things that are beautiful to you.

Knowledge

I know a lot. Relatively. I like to refer to myself as the King of Trivial Information. I mean, sure, there are other people that know more than me--I can't really argue that, but I know tons of random fact that nobody really cares about.

Of course, ignoring the importance of the knowledge I have attained, what have I really learned of my own accord, and what has simply been shoved in my brain? I have taken a lot it at face value as pure truth without really questioning its validity just because it sounded reasonable and came from a place of authority. There are some things that I have been taught over and over again that I can verify. 2+2=4. Yup, got that one. Red and Blue make Purple. Grass is green. Dogs Bark. Plant leaves are made up of Cells. If you leave milk of for too long it will go bad. Fire will burn wood. There is such a thing as a Giraffe.

But what about the fact that Paper will Spontaneously combust at 451 degrees Fahrenheit? Even the fact that the world is round. We breath Oxygen. There are ~7 Billion people on earth. The speed of light is 186,000 Miles per second. The earth is 90 million miles away from the sun. Water boils at 212 Fahrenheit. Cats eat mice. J.R.R. Tolkien wrote The Lord of the Rings. If you boil water, it will be sterile. I have white blood cells that combat my system's invaders. Rattlesnakes and sharks,  Zebras and Buffalo and countless other animals all exist, but I have never actually seen any of them--I still know they are real.These are all things that I know to be true, but not because I have experienced them--only because I have been told so by various trustworthy sources. Many people do know many of those facts, but how many of those people actually know them because they have gone and found them out for themselves? An extremely small percentage.

Who is to say that someone in the place of a trustworthy source couldn't simply make up random information and insert it into the system and laugh as people took it for truth without actually testing it's validity.

I guess the real question is--what do I really know because I KNOW it is true, and what do I know because other people have told me it is truth. I had a much harder time writing the first list than the second. I guess all my intelligence comes from other people's work. It all comes from generations of people figuring out stuff and telling everyone else so that the simple layperson didn't have to spend time figuring out mundane facts that may or may not actually be applicable to their every day lives. I guess I don't actually know that much. I'm just an information thief.

The Stages

I have observed 4 stages during a night of drinking alcohol:

Not drunk at all:
"No, I'm not drunk."

A little bit Tipsy:
"Yea, I've had a few drinks"

Kind of Drunk:
"Nooo, I swuur I'm not druunk"

Plastered:
"SHeesh, I'mmm shooooo totttttaally waasstteed."

It's very interesting how the pattern of admitting to drunkeness or not alternates...

Just an observation.

Some Advice Given...

It's funny, the advice that some people give you. There is a person who gave me some advice recently. I don't usually come to this person for advice because that just isn't the way that our relationship works. Nevertheless, I found myself eating dinner with them and I mentioned in passing conversation something from my life and they decided to impart some of their wisdom to me. Now I can't say that I don't appreciate the fact that they tried to take an interest in my life, and the advice that they gave was defintely well meant and very intuitive, but it was advice that I shouldn't have heard. It was advice that got me thinking. Too much. I don't like when I think too much cause then I get all brooding and moody. It was advice that I know was wrong; not morally wrong, just wrong for my situation and me.

No, it was so good. So true. It was advice that I wanted to take from the bottom of my heart because it was advice that I tried to give myself one time. I just know I'll get disappointed if I take the advice too seriously. I wish I could ignore it, but there is no going back.

Maybe.

No going back.

No, there is no going back.

Or is there?

Ugh.

Now I've thought too much and I'm pissed off. I don't think I'll finish this.

Disappointment

Life is full of disappointments. I learned this at a very young age.

One of the very first disappointments that I can remember was that of a toy. I don't quite exactly remember the toy, I think it was an action figure of some sorts, but it wasn't even a toy that I owned--it was one of my friends toys. I remember that I had seen this toy advertised on television multiple times and it had been ingrained in my little mind that if I had this toy, I would be happy. I mean, the thoughts of what would and wouldn't make me happy weren't something that consumed the every day thoughts of my little mind, but all that I knew is that I would play with this toy SO HARD if I got it and I would have a great time. Of course, this was a very expensive toy (the manufacturers had to make the toys expensive to fund their extremely large advertising campaign) so naturally my parents didn't buy it for me. I do remember, however, going over to my little spoiled friends house one day to see that he had this toy. Right away, when I found out that he had it, I was so excited and I wanted to play with it with him (SO HARD), so we did. After about two minutes I realized that the toy wasn't everything that I thought it was. It was a very cheap material and it didn't behave the way that the commercial portrayed it did. It's arms didn't have a full range of motion, the noises that it made were dumb, and it's missiles didn't shoot very far--it was a big flop. I just remember being so disappointed in the fact that I thought there was this amazing toy that would make me happy, and it turned out to be so cheap and boring.

Of course, as life progressed, I wasn't so much concerned with cheap toys any longer, and my attention turned to other things. These other things still continue to disappoint me. Movies that I had heard great things abut disappoint me, people who I thought would be great friends disappoint me, girls disappoint me, my expectations disappoint me, going on vacations disappoint me, the future that I thought I would have disappoints me, certain experiences that everyone told me I should have, have turned out to be rather boring and bland. Sure, maybe a little bit of pleasure was gained from some of these, but all of the hype that had been built up in my mind just kind of crumpled under the boringness of reality.

The worst thing to be disappointed in is another person. Putting your hopes in someone else only to soon have the realization that they didn't behave how you expected, or they let you down when you were counting on them, or they betrayed you, hurts badly. How have I come to deal with these disappointments? I am seeing more and more that there is somewhat of a complacency in my outlook on life. I don't look forward to things as much as I used to because I am afraid to let my hopes down. I don't think about things too much before they happen and I don't formulate ideas of what they should or shouldn't be. I've realized that building up unrealistic expectations of what you think will happen will only make the reality that eventually sets in, that much harder.

Now, I kind of just keep my eyes closed and let the future roll in at me so I don't know what coming until it hits me. Exciting? Maybe, maybe not, but at least I won't be disappointed when things don't turn out the way I think they should.

That One Random Person

I go to places. While I do have a variety in the places that I attend, once I am set into a schedule, I tend to not divert from the places that my schedule takes me very often. When going to work or school, I stand at the same bus stop at the same times with the same people on the same days, all going to their same places and all doing their same things.

After a routine has been established, I start to look at the people around me. I notice them, and particularly the ones that I see on a regular basis. The people whose daily or weekly schedules converge with my own at the same location and time. There is always the guy putting his bike on the bus at the same time that I get on, always the little mexican mom getting on the bus with her stroller and two kids, and always that girl who wears too much makeup and sits in the very back. I wonder about these people. Where are they going? What are their lives like? Are they interesting people, or boring people? What would they say if I talked to them?

It's interesting to think about the significant changes your life could experience if you were to walk to the bus stop 15 minutes earlier every day, and see different people, all going to their places of employment or education. A different set of people than the ones that you are used to. Sometimes I try to throw my schedule off during the week, just to see the different people that I see. Sometimes I'll run into someone that I know, or havn't seen in a while, and I find out that I was only missing them every day by a few minutes in the same location. Funny how converging and diverging occurs in our lives.

I also often wonder if I am that one random person in the life of someone else. The random guy always wearing his hoodie that they see everywhere, yet never have talked to. Are they curious about me, who I am and where I am going, or do I just get lost in the crowd?

Knowing the Future

If you could pay to know the future, would you? No, I'm not talking about paying a palm reader to hold your hand and give you vague references to very generic life events. I'm not talking about listening to an astrologist predict your future by looking at the positioning of the stars and reading you a horoscope. I mean if there was a machine that could see into your future and show you exactly how your life was going to end up, would you take it? Or even better, if you could have a vision from God. Imagine a scenario where you knew that the future that was being shown to you was going to happen. Would the fact that you knew how your life was going to turn out ruin all of your experiences for you; would it be disconcerting or relieving?

What if you not only knew it, what If you knew that you could change it. If you saw something that you didn't like in your future, how would you go about changing it? Everything that happens has a huge effect on the future, so you could be, while trying to avoid a certain fate, hastening the future that you are trying to avoid. There are always the stories of those people in great power receiving a prophecy that their doom would be hastened by a certain person, so they go out of their way to try and eliminate this person, but by doing so turn the person against them, or put them in a situation that they might not had been in had they not taken the steps that they did. Oedipus. Harry Potter. A bunch more that I can't think of right now.

And what if you saw a future that you did want? Would you try to make that future come out like you had seen, or would you sit back, assuming that even through a lack of action, what you saw would still come to pass? What if the future that you saw was a future that you had to make happen, and inaction would cause it to disappear?

What if you saw a future that wasn't necessarily bad, but you thought that you could have a better one. Would you settle for a good to mediocre future, or take the chance for an amazing future, that also might fail horribly and leave you poor, alone, and wondering what went wrong?

People are often so concerned with getting things to "turn out right" that they forget to look around. They forget to stop and smell the roses.

Maybe that big black blurry thing called the future isn't really so important after all. Maybe the journey really is more important than the destination.

Alcohol

Too much of anything is too bad. Too much sun gets you sun burnt and dehydrated, too much water makes you drown, too much sitting makes you weak, too much chocolate makes you sick, and too much alcohol makes you stupid AND sick. As with anything, self control is needed to ensure that something doesn't turn from a good thing into a problem. (I use the term "good thing" loosely here.) Now some people, under their own personal conviction, avoid alcohol altogether, and I cannot, with good conscience, try to convince them otherwise. If they have had bad experiences or seen other people have bad experiences, then that is their prerogative. I, however, do not see a problem with alcohol...in moderation.

I think that one of the biggest problems in the United States is alcohol. It causes so many deaths and unwanted pregnancies and familial problems that the good that comes from it certainly, in my eyes, doesn't outweigh the bad. I think it's funny though, because in most European countries, the drinking age is eighteen, and in some cases, even 16. The problems that these countries have with alcohol is so much less than the problems that we have here in the United States. Because the drinking age is so high, many teens are tempted to rebel against their parents and over-indulge themselves. In these European countries, drinking is a social thing and even little children have wine with dinner. They grow up with it around them and aren't even very curious by the time they reach the ripe old age of 16--they understand what it is and the effects that it has and don't need to go crazy and wild like the teens of America who have a strong desire to taste the forbidden fruit.

Now, I am not a huge consumer of alcoholic beverages. While I myself do not consume a large amount, it doesn't mean that I haven't ever been around people who have consumed considerable quantities. I do enjoy them occasionally, but would much rather watch and study those people who are under the influence as they mill around, bumping into each other, thinking that they are the funniest people in the world. I vividly remember one time I was walking along the street, and ahead of me I saw a very intoxicated early twenty-something male who had just finished smoking his cigarette. He promptly threw it on the ground and tried three or four times to stomp it out, but without prevail because he kept stepping missing and stepping right next to it. As I was walking by I deliberately stepped on it and after a full two second hes looked up at me (he had been staring intently at it to see if he had gotten it or not) and said, "Dude... ... Thanks man." And tried to hug me. I told him he was welcome and left without collecting on my hug.

Alcohol's affect on the body is relaxing, and the more you drink, the more relaxed you feel. (That is, until your abdominal muscles are clenched for half an hour trying to expel the poison from your system) Due to this, people who are under lots of stress tend to turn to alcohol as a remedy to their pain. I think almost everyone can agree that this is unhealthy. People use alcohol as an escape from the reality which they cannot, or do not want to, deal with. Nevertheless, the problems are still there the next morning when their drunken stupor has worn off, and more often than not they have created for themselves a new set of problems.

Controlling oneself is they key. Of course, the more that has been consumed the less control one has over them self, and the more self-control that is needed. Quite the catch-22. Have I ever had too much? Perhaps, but now I know my limit and that there is no good that can come from it. I have never done anything that I regret while under the influence of alcohol, and I never intend to have so much as to impair my good judgement.

Lastly, let us discuss the different types of drunks. The loud drunks who think that they are hilarious and tell stupid jokes and stand on tables. The contemplative drunks who tell you all the amazing ideas that they have had, and always come up with conspiracy theories of why everything is the government's fault. The wild drunks who take most of their clothing off and run around making obnoxious noises and saying "Dude, we gotta go do SOMETHING..." And let's not forget the people who keep telling you that they aren't drunk, even though it is very clear that they are.

The next morning is always the funniest though. Without fail, they always tell you that they feel so horrible, and they are never going to do it again. They always do.

Stream of Consciousness 3

So I’m sitting in the library right now and I got one of their little mini laptops that you can checkout for free for two hours and oh man the penalty is harsh if you don’t turn it in on time cause its like 400 bucks but I wonder if they would really charge me if I was like a minute late or something or if they just say that to try to scare everyone so that nobody steals it or holds it for too long a time, but anyway this laptop kind of sucks because for some reason it wont connect to the internet. I don’t know if they disabled all the internet on these public laptops because people are always doing stupid things on them or if this laptop is just broken but I even tried some of the tricks I learned in my Computer Network Engineering classes and I still couldn’t fix it. Oh well I don’t feel too bad because that was my major over a year ago, but I do feel kind of bad because I probably didn’t learn as much as I should have in those classes. My waterbottle says UCSB on it even though I don’t go to UCSB. I hope I get into UCSB because that would be awesome and i want to stay in Santa Barbara because its awesome here and I know lots of people already but at the same time I think it would be an awesome experience to move somewhere else and meet lots of new people and just try new things and be a different person. Of course I’m not sure how different of a person I would be or if I would like the person I would become or if I even want to change. Well of course there are some social things that I would want to change, but would I be faking who I am if I try to change those things when I move somewhere else. I mean when you meet new people you are constantly recreating yourself but I wow Im really tired all the sudden and overwhelmed but yea I don’t want to be a fake person because thats dumb, and I don’t totally hate the person that I am but sometimes I wish I were different and had different experiences growing up and was raised differently because I would definitely have turned out different. Maybe not better but I might be satisfied. No, the grass is always greener on the other side. I probably would be wishing to be in the posistion that I am now if I had been raised differently and turned out to be a different person. Life is weird like that. Man I played this really funny role in acting class today. It was freakin hilarious and it might end up being one of the final peices that we publicly perform and I think it would be cool to perform it but there is a ton of really bad language in it and lots of inappropriate things that are said and that is part of the reason that It is funny, but I would want to invite lots of people to come see it and most of the people that I know would be super offended by all the foul language and judge me but its not my fault because i was assigned it but anyway I wish I didn’t care what they thought. If they like it then they like it and if they get all butthurt about it, it is their own fault. I will be sure to warn them that there is lots of foul language and tell them not to come if they will get offended, but I don’t really have a problem saying it because its part of a scene. I mean, I dont really talk like that all the time in real life—sure sometimes stuff slips, but I dont usually say those bad words so often—but I’m sure that I would still be judged because thats just the way most of the people that I know are and the ones that I have known a long time would be all disappointed in me and think to themselves that I am a horrible person and all of the super uptight christians would mutter amongst themselves and I wish that I didn’t care but I know that for some reason I do and I don’t know why because its not like I’m playing me while Im on the stage, I’m just saying words for entertainment that some other random person wrote down I don’t even know how many years ago but its still funny oh man this is getting to be pretty long but whatever I think I’ll just keep typing until I get bored or need to sleep before my spanish class because I still have like an hour and a quarter before I need to go but like I said I can’t even upload this directly to the internet because there is no internet on this laptop so I’ll just have to put it on my flash drive because I’m writing this in MSW2K7 right now and then put it on my computer at home and then just copy and paste it onto my blog for everyone to see but nobody to read except maybe one person every month but I bet they wont even read the whole thing cause its just going to be one big fat non-paragraphed block of text that is going to be really difficult to read. HEY YOU, if you got this far than congradulations I would give you a prize but I think its prize enough that you are getting to see into my mind. Of course maybe its rather boring and you were about to stop reading and now you are super engaged because I was referring to you but thats it I don’t think I will think about you anymore you should probably go find something better to do than read the stream of consciousness from some random dude on the internet whose thoughts are really sporatic and don’t really make much sense sense sense six senses the sixth sense was a weird movie with a twist at the end that wasnt even about sharks but about how bruce willis was murdered and you didn’t e even know he was dead until the end of the movie but if you havn’t seen it now I just ruined it for you but hey it was a pretty decent movie anyway with a really good plotline and a twist at the end but yea I just told you. Hey I’m referring to you again whoever you are. Maybe you is future me and I’m going to read this in like a year and feel really awkward and hope that nobody else saw it. Thats kind of what happens whenever I write myself letters from the future. I’ve done that lots of times at least 6 and i am always surprised to get the letter and sometimes I remember exactly what I wrote in the letter and I remember exactly where I was and what I was thinking and feeling when I wrote it and sometimes I didn’t even remember that I wrote it and its just like someone else wrote it and I read it and the past me is always like, “Hey future me, I hope you are awesome because I totally suck right now and I want to be awesome someday. I know you have totally moved on with your life from where I am in the present and I want to congradulate you on the fact that you now are filthy rich and have a really attractive girlfriend and you are really popular and you have done something with your life etc. Etc.” But I always read it and feel horrible cause none of it is true and I havn’t moved on with my life and I’m in the same spot as I was as when I wrote it and nothing has changed. And that isnt the point of the letter. Actually I’m not even sure what the point of the letter is. Yea wow that was really bad I’m a horrible person cause I just saved this for the first time. You are supposed to save every couple minutes which usually I’m pretty good about because I just press Ctrl-S and it automatically saves it but I wasn’t even thinking cause I’ve been on autopilot just typing for a while now dang I actually have typed a lot, I wish that essays were this easy. Well maybe they are for mexican girls. Haha that was a bad joke but I just inserted it right there but anyway yea I finally just saved it onto my flash drive and I’ll just go home and upload it onto my blog and then I’ll forget about it and I don’t really have anything going on tonight but I have rugby practice tomorrow but thats whatever. I guess for the past week and four days I’ve just been kind of whatever cause when I have a goal or something to try to attain at least I can focus on that but when there is no goal I don’t really know what I’m doing and there isnt really any motivation for me and I can’t just say to myself “OH MAN, THIS IS MY NEW GOAL” I have to actually want to do it from the inside cause I can’t really fake myself out; I’m too smart for that. Sometimes I use apostrophies and sometimes I don’t. It really bugs me when stuff isn’t uniform throughout a whole piece I’m pretty OCD like that but I think for this I’m not even going to spell check or grammar check it because I don’t even really care. Saved. I wonder if this is even really stream of consciousness because even though I can type really fast and really accurately relatively at least compared to most people, I still can’t type as fast as I can think and sometimes my brain goes all over all the way to a different subject and back and changes again like twice before I’m even done typing the first one out and theres no way that I can even type all that stuff quickly enough so I just ignore it. I wonder if it would work better if I were to say stuff outloud into a recorder and then type it out later but no, I don’t think that would work either because I can still think waaaaaaaay, there were lots of A’s in there, faster than I can speak. And I read somewhere a while ago that this is why people stutter and stuff is because their minds can move a lot faster than they can speak so their mouth automatically tries to catch up with their mind and I stutter sometimes but not a lot but I think thast because I deliberately, wow I couldn’t think of that word for like 5 seconds how embarassing, talk slower so that I don’t stutter, but then when Im really excited, oops, forgot the apostrophy there, everything kind of just bumbles out and people look at me funny and then it gets awkward, theres lots of doubleyews in that word really close to each other, but I don’t really care. I find it hard to care about lots of stuff these days. Good thing I finished my spanish homework earlier today cause I really don’t feel like doing it at all right now and I’m just going to keep typing for a bit more but anyway, I just feel like I don’t care. I mean, i am still going through the motions of lots of stuff because I don’t want to be stupid and ruin the rest of my life by just not giving a ratt’s butt (I restrained myself from saying ass there. Oops I just said it) so i keep doing the things that I think will help me out in the future, but I don’t really want to go to school. I mean, I think that it is something that I want to finish for my own sake just so I can prove to everyone else that I am educated, and because I want to be more intelligent because that is something that I value, even if lots of other people don’t value intelligence and just are hedonistic. I wish I was more hedonistic. Wow, I just hit 2097 words, obviously it’s more now, but thats what it was right when I finished the word “hedonistic”. I wonder if I will live to the year 2097. I doubt it, that would mean that I would live to be 100 and oh man I suck at man, um 107 years old wow that was embarassing how long it took me to do that math. I don’t really like math. I used to be pretty good at it, but I didn’t like it. Wow thats even more embarassing because I just pulled up the calculator on the computer and it was 108, not 107 but anyway I wonder what the average life span is going to be later on. Back in the day when they started social security people would die at like the age of 70 or earlier and thats why social security worked—because not lots of people were collecting on it, but now that the average life span is like...I don’t know exactly, like 80 for men and 86 for women, tons more people are collecting from it and its broke and broken brokeded. I like saying words funnily. But I wonder how long I will live to be and if I will die of old age or get cancer or some other weird illness or if something interesting will kill me like an alien apocolypse, I think I spelled that wrong, or maybe i’ll get hit by a car, or maybe something else interesting like a gorilla will escape from the zoo and be climbing on my roof and break through and accidently fall on me and crush my neck and kill me instantly. I guess I’m not really afraid to die, I mean, yea I don’t want to die yet because there are lots of things that I havn’t experienced that I want to experience, hehe, but I’m not really afraid to die. I don’t really want to die painfully though, that would totally suck. I’ve heard one of the most peaceful ways to die is hypothermia. I really hate being cold, but apparently you just get really cold, and then you get numb and can’t feel anything, and then you just fall asleep! I love sleeping. Burning would totally suck for the first minute or so and then all your nerves get so damaged you can’t feel anything, but that would still suck for like a minute, but one of the most common ways to die that I wouldn’t want would be to drown. That would just suck to be suffocating and having water in your lungs and then your body reflexively trying to breath more and just sucking more in and then you are awake the whole time and then ugh, yea I don’t want to think about it anymore. Lets think about sometimes else. Like fairies and butterflies and cinnamon. Girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice. Boys are made of snips and snails and puppydog tails (AW, poor puppies! ) and tigers are made of Dragonflies and Kaddydids, but mostly chewed up little kids. Haha, Calvin and Hobbes is so awesome. Totally best comic strip ever, followed closely by the Far Side. There are some other ones after that that I don’t hate reading, but those two are definitely my favorfite ones they are just so funny. I love funny. Funny makes me laugh. Laugh makes me feel good. When you feel good you don’t feel bad. I hate thinking about lots of stuff because remember how my mind works really fast? Well my mind works so fast that whenever I think of certain things, my mind automatically connects them to other things and then when I think about those things I feel emotionally crappy and yea uhhuh thats that. I guess phil says that I just need to make new memories to push the old ones away so that I don’t have to think about them anymore. Phils a great guy. Hes imperfect and annoying sometimes and obnoxious and overly testosterous, I don’t think thats a real word but I know what I mean, but he means well and he gives advice that he really thinks is good and I think there is truth to it, even if its hard to take. Anyway, there is so much more that I could go on about, and sometimes writing about stuff makes me feel better but right now this is making me feel worse because there is so much that I don’t understand, and wish I could understand and wish I could change, but I’m so helpless and I realize it and it makes me feel horrible but I think I’m just going to sleep now because sleeping is a good way to check out for a while.