Have you ever had so much on your mind that you actually couldn't think about anything? There is literally too much to think about and I don't know where to start; my mind just kind of goes blank and sits there like a computer that has overloaded and now the screen is frozen. It happens to me a lot. First I get an idea, and then another, and soon I have a few and am being pensive and then I get melancholy, and soon depression follows. I think about what has happened what should have happened, what could have happened, what I wanted to happen, what didn't happen, what can still happen, what can't happen, what won't happen, why it won't happen, what I want to happen, what is actually going to happen, what is the most probable thing to happen, how I can make what I want happen, what can happen if it goes wrong, what other possibilities will be opened by the things that happen, and of course, other people. (I'm sure I forgot a couple things in there, but lay off--my mind is pretty dead right now) I seldom actually realize what is happening right now. That might cause problems in future happenings.
There was a point to all this but I forgot what it was. Oh well, there's a lot to think about and a lot that can happen, and not enough time to figure it all out.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Impervious Forcefields
So the other morning I had my window open. When it is open there are 2 panes of glass next to each other with a small space in between them as the two different parts of the sliding window line up. There was a fly on one side and a small spider on the other. The fly was nonchalantly walking around on one side of the glass and the spider was mirroring his movements, frantically scurrying trying to get to him so he could catch him and suck all the juices out. This went on for about 30 seconds before the fly just flew away, bumping into the pane multiple times, then landing on the other side of the window. The spider then just sat there motionless until I left the room. Animals are pretty dumb sometimes.
That spider probably thought it was so important to get that fly right then and there or else he would die, but I know that he didn't die because I saw him on the wall last night. Right before I smooshed him. Pushing the morality of my actions out of the way-- the whole situation just reminded me that sometimes the things that we want or think we need are actually impossible to get in our current situation. Sometimes something looks so easily attainable, but without intervention from forces beyond our control--it will never happen. I get so easily frustrated when things aren't going the way that I think they should, but I just need to learn to sit back and let them happen. Not be stupidly complacent about my life, but just go wit' da flo'. I hope I don't get smooshed by a large creature a thousand times my size, then wrapped in a giant Kleenex and thrown into a swirling vortex of water though. That would ruin all my plans.
That spider probably thought it was so important to get that fly right then and there or else he would die, but I know that he didn't die because I saw him on the wall last night. Right before I smooshed him. Pushing the morality of my actions out of the way-- the whole situation just reminded me that sometimes the things that we want or think we need are actually impossible to get in our current situation. Sometimes something looks so easily attainable, but without intervention from forces beyond our control--it will never happen. I get so easily frustrated when things aren't going the way that I think they should, but I just need to learn to sit back and let them happen. Not be stupidly complacent about my life, but just go wit' da flo'. I hope I don't get smooshed by a large creature a thousand times my size, then wrapped in a giant Kleenex and thrown into a swirling vortex of water though. That would ruin all my plans.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Exhaustion
Right now, I'm exhausted. I guess working 18 hour days can get bad pretty quick. 3 in a row. At the end of a 7 day work week. Ending at 3am. Doing manual labor. Yea, this is one reason I'm going to school--so I don't have to do this for the rest of my life. I now have lots of respect for the people who do this on a regular basis just to feed their families; but I digress.
The first day was new and exciting. In a city away from home, demo-ing a badly damaged building into the wee hours of the morning. The second day wasn't too bad, but the second night was the worst. No end in sight. The third--difficult from the exhaustion but knowing that we'd be leaving the next day brought hope. I had the same song stuck in my head, literally for all three days. I would wake up in the morning and the first thing I would do was whistle the tune. It would pop in and out of my head until 3 in the morning when I hit the pillow. 7:30 wake-up, there it was again. Perhaps the work was so mentally un-stimulating that my brain had to think of a way to keep occupied while my body wore itself out. I think it was the last song that I heard before I got out of the truck and started the first work at the job sight--fitting that it would play again on the radio just as we were leaving.
There was no time for recreating and just barely enough to rest. 3 hours the first night, 4 the second and 6 the third. It got increasingly more and more difficult to get up each day, and sleeping, tired though I was at the end of the day, was difficult because once it gets going, your body is hard to slow down. Even as I sat motionless in the truck on the way back, I could almost feel my body gasping up the much needed rest it was finally getting.
Yet, I still find the tiniest bit of energy left in me to press the little keys and spurt a few words onto the page. I need to keep reminding myself that writing is actually invigorating and not draining. It helps bring me to life.
The first day was new and exciting. In a city away from home, demo-ing a badly damaged building into the wee hours of the morning. The second day wasn't too bad, but the second night was the worst. No end in sight. The third--difficult from the exhaustion but knowing that we'd be leaving the next day brought hope. I had the same song stuck in my head, literally for all three days. I would wake up in the morning and the first thing I would do was whistle the tune. It would pop in and out of my head until 3 in the morning when I hit the pillow. 7:30 wake-up, there it was again. Perhaps the work was so mentally un-stimulating that my brain had to think of a way to keep occupied while my body wore itself out. I think it was the last song that I heard before I got out of the truck and started the first work at the job sight--fitting that it would play again on the radio just as we were leaving.
There was no time for recreating and just barely enough to rest. 3 hours the first night, 4 the second and 6 the third. It got increasingly more and more difficult to get up each day, and sleeping, tired though I was at the end of the day, was difficult because once it gets going, your body is hard to slow down. Even as I sat motionless in the truck on the way back, I could almost feel my body gasping up the much needed rest it was finally getting.
Yet, I still find the tiniest bit of energy left in me to press the little keys and spurt a few words onto the page. I need to keep reminding myself that writing is actually invigorating and not draining. It helps bring me to life.
Monday, June 18, 2012
Faces
Have you ever looked long and hard at someone that you have known for a very long time? No, there is no hidden meaning here--I really mean just looked at them; their face and their features. I realized recently that I don't really LOOK at the people that I know anymore. Of course I see them and talk to them, but when I see someone new on the street, I notice many more of their features than I do my close friends and family. I have known these people for years and years, and when I see them my mind automatically connects a name and a face and a personality. But when I look at a person's face for a long time that I have known for a while, they become strange. It's a hard phenomenon to explain. Its almost like I look past the person that I know to just see their body--they fade into being just another stranger on the street. I notice their eyes and their nose and their mouth and their hair. The strange thing is, it works with my face as well. Usually I glance in the mirror, but I don't sit there and study myself; when I do take a look at my features, I also fade into strangeness.
The things that I usually first notice about a stranger seem to pop out at me from the people that I know all to well--I guess its just one of the many reminders that every single person that I know is just another human on this planet. These are just the ones that I care about more.
The things that I usually first notice about a stranger seem to pop out at me from the people that I know all to well--I guess its just one of the many reminders that every single person that I know is just another human on this planet. These are just the ones that I care about more.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
The Chain of Command
So, having been around in a few jobs here and there, I have realized how this whole "workplace hierarchy" thing works. Let us pretend that there is a lady who is in a place of power in the workplace. One morning, while eating breakfast, her little child spills hot grits (They live in Alabama) all over her nice dress. The lady is burned and slightly frustrated, and goes to change her dress. On they way to school (She is one of the few Alabamians who makes her child go to school), there was a tractor accident on the road, and compounded by the fact that she had to change her dress, she ends up dropping her child off late to school, gets an evil eye from the teacher, and then also ends up late at work.
The day was off to a bad start, and she was very frustrated, so she yelled at her underling about a small mistake he made a few weeks ago; it wasn't really that big of a deal, but she needed to take her anger out on someone and she chose him. Well this underling, who was having just a fine day until the yelling started, became angry and began yelling at the office intern because he forgot to make a fresh pot of coffee after the old one was out (even though he had been working on something that was actually important). Well the office intern, after being yelled at, went to go yell at the office secretary because she forgot to make an extra copy of an order for all of their fake mullets that are coming back into style (This is a toupee making company). The poor office secretary decides that she is sick of the intern yelling at her, so she messes up some orders on purpose and all of the sudden, the president is wearing a toupee that changes colors from different angles instead of the normal brown one he thought he had on, and the United States is the laughing stock of the world. Even little children can have an impact on world affairs--but I digress.
The day was off to a bad start, and she was very frustrated, so she yelled at her underling about a small mistake he made a few weeks ago; it wasn't really that big of a deal, but she needed to take her anger out on someone and she chose him. Well this underling, who was having just a fine day until the yelling started, became angry and began yelling at the office intern because he forgot to make a fresh pot of coffee after the old one was out (even though he had been working on something that was actually important). Well the office intern, after being yelled at, went to go yell at the office secretary because she forgot to make an extra copy of an order for all of their fake mullets that are coming back into style (This is a toupee making company). The poor office secretary decides that she is sick of the intern yelling at her, so she messes up some orders on purpose and all of the sudden, the president is wearing a toupee that changes colors from different angles instead of the normal brown one he thought he had on, and the United States is the laughing stock of the world. Even little children can have an impact on world affairs--but I digress.
The point is, the mood that one has while going into the workplace, and the way that they treat others, can have a huge impact on the way that they treat the people below them, and the way that they do their work. One small bad mood can leap all the way down the chain of command and effect everyone that it touches.
Me? Well honestly I don't get frustrated, even under huge amounts of pressure, unless other people are frustrated with me. I know other people make mistakes so I am willing to give them leeway, and I know that I make mistakes so I also can't expect other people to be perfect. If I mess up, I will work harder and do what it takes to fix it, but getting yelled and yelling at others won't help the situation at all. People will just keep getting pissed off at each other, nothing will get fixed, and horrible, horrible things will happen.
Me? Well honestly I don't get frustrated, even under huge amounts of pressure, unless other people are frustrated with me. I know other people make mistakes so I am willing to give them leeway, and I know that I make mistakes so I also can't expect other people to be perfect. If I mess up, I will work harder and do what it takes to fix it, but getting yelled and yelling at others won't help the situation at all. People will just keep getting pissed off at each other, nothing will get fixed, and horrible, horrible things will happen.
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Wealth
I have a friend who recently became very wealthy. Wealthy, as in, able to purchase a house in Santa Barbara at the age of 23, wealthy. When he told me the news, at first I thought he was kidding, but as we continued to converse via Facebook, I learned that he was actually being 100% serious.
My reaction? Well, I was surprised and happy for him--not at all jealous. While having a lot of money might make things in life a lot easier, I know that it won't bring true happiness. If I was wealthy I probably wouldn't buy all the nicest things that I could find anyway. Sure, I'd get a nicer computer, and a nicer car, eat steak more often, have more parties with my friends, and move into my own house, but I don't think that I would really change my lifestyle at all.
Ok, so I said that my initial reaction wasn't jealousy, but it was. No, not jealousy over his money--I don't find myself often dreaming of vast wealth. I was more jealous over his circumstance and his motivation. He is a millionaire at the age of 23 and engaged so a girl that has supported him through poverty and cancer. My jealousy was more along the lines of, Why can't I be as lucky as him" or "Why can't I be motivated like he is?" I know that if I pushed myself I could find ways to make exorbitant amounts of money, but what is the point? Not that I'll throw it away if I get it, but I don't really care all that much about money.
He kept saying to me over and over "There are good times ahead Matt." I know for him that he's telling the truth, but I'm also not someone to mooch off my friends just because they have money, so I'm pretty sure that my times will stay the same unless he goes out of his way to make my life more comfortable; honestly I don't know why he would choose me above anyone else though. We don't hang out a TON, but I still would consider us friends because of how he has relied on me in some of his past trials. I guess the point that I'm trying to make through all of this, is that I hope he doesn't change who he is and who he wants to become just because he has a fatter wallet now. He's a great guy that, while sometimes lost, has true motives and a good heart that I don't want to see corrupted by wealth. I even told him to his face, "Don't change the person that you are just because you have money now." I hope He listens. I know he wants to.
While his "good times" are about to start, I have no idea when mine will start, if ever. I hope that they start sooner rather than later, and that when they do start, I won't have become someone that I hate along the road.
My reaction? Well, I was surprised and happy for him--not at all jealous. While having a lot of money might make things in life a lot easier, I know that it won't bring true happiness. If I was wealthy I probably wouldn't buy all the nicest things that I could find anyway. Sure, I'd get a nicer computer, and a nicer car, eat steak more often, have more parties with my friends, and move into my own house, but I don't think that I would really change my lifestyle at all.
Ok, so I said that my initial reaction wasn't jealousy, but it was. No, not jealousy over his money--I don't find myself often dreaming of vast wealth. I was more jealous over his circumstance and his motivation. He is a millionaire at the age of 23 and engaged so a girl that has supported him through poverty and cancer. My jealousy was more along the lines of, Why can't I be as lucky as him" or "Why can't I be motivated like he is?" I know that if I pushed myself I could find ways to make exorbitant amounts of money, but what is the point? Not that I'll throw it away if I get it, but I don't really care all that much about money.
He kept saying to me over and over "There are good times ahead Matt." I know for him that he's telling the truth, but I'm also not someone to mooch off my friends just because they have money, so I'm pretty sure that my times will stay the same unless he goes out of his way to make my life more comfortable; honestly I don't know why he would choose me above anyone else though. We don't hang out a TON, but I still would consider us friends because of how he has relied on me in some of his past trials. I guess the point that I'm trying to make through all of this, is that I hope he doesn't change who he is and who he wants to become just because he has a fatter wallet now. He's a great guy that, while sometimes lost, has true motives and a good heart that I don't want to see corrupted by wealth. I even told him to his face, "Don't change the person that you are just because you have money now." I hope He listens. I know he wants to.
While his "good times" are about to start, I have no idea when mine will start, if ever. I hope that they start sooner rather than later, and that when they do start, I won't have become someone that I hate along the road.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
