A Strong Dislike

I strongly dislike using that one word in this situation. The one that means I really strongly dislike something, but is a level or two up from strongly dislike. It's not that I'm afraid to say it--I say it all the time--but I strongly dislike using it when referring to a person. I don't really think that way about anyone in particular, but I do strongly dislike people in general. Maybe I wouldn't strongly dislike people so much if they changed; I don't think it's the people I strongly dislike so much as the actions that they choose. Now that I think about it, there are some people who I used to strongly dislike that I don't anymore, because they changed.

But then there are the people who haven't changed. I strongly dislike them. The people that I strongly dislike even more than the people who haven't changed, are the people who have changed for the worse. They aren't even on the same playing field as me, but I'm forced to play with them. It's frustrating when people ignore the rules, especially when I play by them. Maybe if I break the rules I won't get penalized either. I kinda wanna go get high, and steal, and break hearts and fuck, use people for my own gain and take what I want when I want it and forgo my responsibilities. They do.

I'm sick of holding my tongue, I'm sick of being nice and doing the right thing. I'm sick of watching my actions so I'm not a hypocrite, and I'm sick of being there for people.

Nobody else holds their tongue, nobody else is nice or does the right thing, nobody else practices what they preach, nobody else is there for me.

I'm not perfect, but I do try to hold my tongue. I try to be nice and do the right thing. I do watch my actions so I'm not a hypocrite. I'm there for people more than they know,  or seem to care. If nobody considers what they do to others, there is no hope for the world. I'm not a faucet, I'm a small cup with only a dribble left to share.

I hate people.

Excuse me. Strongly dislike.

Maybe I'm just an old man jealous of other people's fortune.

Or Maybe I'm jealous of other people's ability to ignore the rules.

Maybe I need to scar my conscience to live in a society with selfish people.

Maybe I'm going to be a hermit. The more I'm around people, the more I'm  disgusted and discouraged.

Maybe I just need to find the right people. Where are you?

It's Pathetic...

...how I've become so apathetic.

Towards everything.

A bummer, really. I need to find passion again. It got crushed and I lost it.

I don't know where to find it anymore--it's not really something I can just go pick up at the store.

I don't even seem to care that I lost it.

Sleep

I love  sleeping. Sleeping feels so good. When I'm tired, and I get to the end of the day, barely pushing on, sometimes I'll take a nap before I go to sleep. I'll take a nap in the morning, in between classes, on the bus to school, at work in the car driving to a job, in class, in the afternoons. The body doesn't function well on not a lot of sleep--it's so necessary.

There have been studies done wherein the subjects were sleep deprived. These people's bodies began to break down much quicker, and they became extremely violent, moody, and in some cases they developed insanity and other mental illnesses.Often I feel like I'm not getting enough sleep. It's nobody's fault but my own of course. Maybe I'm driving myself to insanity.

But getting to a bed after a long day is amazing. You can just fall on the bed, knowing that  it's over and you don't have to stay awake anymore; you can just succumb to the sleep. Of course, sometimes I sleep not because of physical  exhaustion but  emotional exhaustion. I'm sad,  frustrated, lonely and drained, and nothing will fix  it.

Sometimes life is going so badly that I don't want to deal with anything so I sleep more. Less time awake is less time thinking. Less time thinking is less time feeling.

I think I'm going to sleep right  now.

Sleep is my escape.