Do you ever get the feeling that there are some things that needs to be done; some things that needs to be said? But they can't be done, and can't be said. There is something that just isn't right in the world, and you can't put your finger on it. It needs to be fixed, and whether you know what it is or not, sometimes things just are broken for now. I am just looking to the future, hopefully it turns out fixed.
No whitty remarks or preachy message like usual. Just saying.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Being A Different Person
I am a different person than I was when I was younger. An obvious statement, yes...but why all the changes? It's not just in the fact that I have a larger body, don't gorge myself on chocolate as often, and don't yell as loudly as I used to. When I was very young, I was wild. "Electron" was my nickname because I wouldn't stop running circles around people. As I aged a bit more and went to Junior High and Highschool, I became more timid. Now--well, I have a bit of everything. The experiences that I have had have changed me into the person that I am currently. I will continue to change and evolve as I have more experiences, but having a larger impact on who I am than the events that I have experienced, are the people that I have surrounded myself with.
To be completely honest, I act differently around different people. I'm not saying that around some people I am a Hell's Angel's advocate, and around others I am a philanthropist who can't wait to bake cupcakes for girlscouts to sell. My basic traits are the same, but there are some changes that are more subtle. I realized this around a year ago, and I wasn't too happy with myself. "Am I being fake?" was one of the first things that popped into my mind. I despise hypocrites greatly, and it was rather shocking to see this trait in myself. I have struggeled with this thought for a while now, but have come to the conclusion that I am not being fake--different people just bring out different sides of me. It is true though--some of these sides I like better than others.
After studying myself when meeting new people, I have found that a major factor in how I interact with someone is how I acted when I first met them. Sometimes I can change my behavior around them after I get to know them better, but that doesn't always happen. Around some people I am quieter than others; around some people I let more swear words slip; around some people I am crazier. Around some people I tell sophisticated jokes, around some people I tell one-liners that they still don't understand, and around some people my jokes are rather innapropriate. Around some people I don't care if they see that I'm smart or not, and around some people I try too much to show it. I'm not proud of some of these--but it's the truth.
The real trouble comes when two different groups of people who I interact with differently with come together. I find out who I truly am when the two opposites clash. Lately, however, I have been less concerned with how people view me. This is a blessing and a curse. On the one hand, there certainly is a value to not burning too many bridges in relationships due to the horribly rude behavior that I sometimes exhibit. On the other hand, if the person doesn't like who I am, then that is their perogative. I have no reason to try to change myself to get them to like me, because if I am always trying to change my behavior to please others, than I really will be a fake with no personality. Who I am is all that I have to seperate me from a faceless crowd.
While I am striving to be my own person, there are still certain crowds and certain people that bring out different traits in me. The more that hang around these people, the more of these traits that I exhibit. Who I choose to surround myself with has a large impact on who I am and who I am going to be. I want to surround myself with the people who make me smile, the people who make me try new things, the people who don't judge me and the people who make me confident. Not the people who look down on others, and talk bad about people behind their backs, and indulge too much in the physical vices of earth. Most of all, I want to hang around the people who accept me for who I am, flaws and all, knowing that with time I can conquer them.
To be completely honest, I act differently around different people. I'm not saying that around some people I am a Hell's Angel's advocate, and around others I am a philanthropist who can't wait to bake cupcakes for girlscouts to sell. My basic traits are the same, but there are some changes that are more subtle. I realized this around a year ago, and I wasn't too happy with myself. "Am I being fake?" was one of the first things that popped into my mind. I despise hypocrites greatly, and it was rather shocking to see this trait in myself. I have struggeled with this thought for a while now, but have come to the conclusion that I am not being fake--different people just bring out different sides of me. It is true though--some of these sides I like better than others.
After studying myself when meeting new people, I have found that a major factor in how I interact with someone is how I acted when I first met them. Sometimes I can change my behavior around them after I get to know them better, but that doesn't always happen. Around some people I am quieter than others; around some people I let more swear words slip; around some people I am crazier. Around some people I tell sophisticated jokes, around some people I tell one-liners that they still don't understand, and around some people my jokes are rather innapropriate. Around some people I don't care if they see that I'm smart or not, and around some people I try too much to show it. I'm not proud of some of these--but it's the truth.
The real trouble comes when two different groups of people who I interact with differently with come together. I find out who I truly am when the two opposites clash. Lately, however, I have been less concerned with how people view me. This is a blessing and a curse. On the one hand, there certainly is a value to not burning too many bridges in relationships due to the horribly rude behavior that I sometimes exhibit. On the other hand, if the person doesn't like who I am, then that is their perogative. I have no reason to try to change myself to get them to like me, because if I am always trying to change my behavior to please others, than I really will be a fake with no personality. Who I am is all that I have to seperate me from a faceless crowd.
While I am striving to be my own person, there are still certain crowds and certain people that bring out different traits in me. The more that hang around these people, the more of these traits that I exhibit. Who I choose to surround myself with has a large impact on who I am and who I am going to be. I want to surround myself with the people who make me smile, the people who make me try new things, the people who don't judge me and the people who make me confident. Not the people who look down on others, and talk bad about people behind their backs, and indulge too much in the physical vices of earth. Most of all, I want to hang around the people who accept me for who I am, flaws and all, knowing that with time I can conquer them.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
What I Want To Be When I Grow Up
Pretend that you are sitting in a room with a child. Not a child so young that they can't understand what you are saying, but also not so old that they have lost their naivety. Striking up a conversation, you look at them and ask them a question. You were asked this question many times as a child, by that awkward Uncle, the caring parent, or the teacher from kindergarten.
"What do you want to be when you grow up?"
When I was asked this question as a young'n, my answers didn't change very much. "Army man!" I would say, barely glancing up from my Lego's. Or "Police Man!" from my bicycle or "Astronaut!" from my book. Enthusiastic, yes, but impractical. There is nothing wrong with any of these things, in fact I have respect for all of these professions, but as we grow older, we learn more and our tastes change.
As I hit Jr. High and continued into High school, my answer changed from those aforementioned to "Engineer" and "Biologist". Some of these subjects still fascinate me, but as I learned more about them I changed still. Not disinterest, just impracticality. When I got to college, I found out that I still really didn't know what I wanted to be. It was disconcerting.
From Chemistry, to my childhood dream of being a "Police Man" in studying Administration of Justice, to Computer Network Engineering, I have finally landed as an English major. Big dream, huh? I don't plan on changing again until I finish school, though this isn't to say that I won't have some epiphany or crisis change my mind. I have, however, realized what that my profession is, doesn't matter. It's the type of Man that I choose to be that matters. So, what do I want to be when I grow up?
I want to be a kid. No, Not in the sense that I want to be immature and irresponsible; a selfish whiny brat. I don't want to worry about the future so much that I take out my stress on the people around me, I want to be carefree. I don't want to be so naive that I can't tell a bad thing when I see it, but I want to be able to try new things without fear. I want to be easy to talk to, and easy to teach just like a child. But most of all, I want the simple things to entertain me, to be happy at what I have. The ice-cream cone from Rite-Aid, the bike ride to the beach, the stars from my roof at night. The simple things that I had when I was a child have been devoured by the chaos of the world. I miss them. I want them back. Someday, I will have reached the enlightenment that we all come into the world posessing, but lose somewhere along the way.
"What do you want to be when you grow up?"
When I was asked this question as a young'n, my answers didn't change very much. "Army man!" I would say, barely glancing up from my Lego's. Or "Police Man!" from my bicycle or "Astronaut!" from my book. Enthusiastic, yes, but impractical. There is nothing wrong with any of these things, in fact I have respect for all of these professions, but as we grow older, we learn more and our tastes change.
As I hit Jr. High and continued into High school, my answer changed from those aforementioned to "Engineer" and "Biologist". Some of these subjects still fascinate me, but as I learned more about them I changed still. Not disinterest, just impracticality. When I got to college, I found out that I still really didn't know what I wanted to be. It was disconcerting.
From Chemistry, to my childhood dream of being a "Police Man" in studying Administration of Justice, to Computer Network Engineering, I have finally landed as an English major. Big dream, huh? I don't plan on changing again until I finish school, though this isn't to say that I won't have some epiphany or crisis change my mind. I have, however, realized what that my profession is, doesn't matter. It's the type of Man that I choose to be that matters. So, what do I want to be when I grow up?
I want to be a kid. No, Not in the sense that I want to be immature and irresponsible; a selfish whiny brat. I don't want to worry about the future so much that I take out my stress on the people around me, I want to be carefree. I don't want to be so naive that I can't tell a bad thing when I see it, but I want to be able to try new things without fear. I want to be easy to talk to, and easy to teach just like a child. But most of all, I want the simple things to entertain me, to be happy at what I have. The ice-cream cone from Rite-Aid, the bike ride to the beach, the stars from my roof at night. The simple things that I had when I was a child have been devoured by the chaos of the world. I miss them. I want them back. Someday, I will have reached the enlightenment that we all come into the world posessing, but lose somewhere along the way.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Anxiety and Patience
Patience is a virtue. Why is it a virtue? Because so many people lack it. Instant gratification is what our society is all about. Fast food. Faster Internet. One-day shipping. Faster Cars. Now don't get me wrong--I am very glad that we don't have slow internet because now I can order presents for people online when I forget that their birthday is the next day! I am also thankful that there is one-day shipping so they will get their present on time after I order it. Without the fast cars the mailmen couldn't bring the package quickly enough, and without the fast food they would be taking lunch breaks that were too long. There is nothing wrong with getting things fast.
Anxiety stems from when we think that something that should be happening isn't happening, or something that we don't want to happen, is. I know it all too well--that feeling that somehow resides in both your stomach and the back of your mind that something isn't right. What makes us feel anxious though? Anxiety is not simply nervousness, we are anxious because we feel we deserve something that we aren't getting.
But why be anxious? I used to get anxious about a lot of things--I felt I deserved better grades in school, a better social life, better possessions--but as I matured, I realized that some things will happen in their own time frame. I don't need a brand new computer this minute, or a nice new car next week. I began to realize that if something was meant to happen, then it would happen. There was no forcing it and worrying about it wouldn't make it happen faster. When it happens, it will be perfect.
I'm not always perfect, but I like to think of myself as a chill person now--I try not to worry about the future or be anxious about things that I can't control. True, sometimes I become complacent about things that do deserve more immediate attention, but I have come to realize that there are many things that are out my hands. I do want them, but there is no reason to fret. Forcing the point can often ruin a good thing. If it is going to happen then all the pieces will fall into place.
Some things are just worth waiting for.
Anxiety stems from when we think that something that should be happening isn't happening, or something that we don't want to happen, is. I know it all too well--that feeling that somehow resides in both your stomach and the back of your mind that something isn't right. What makes us feel anxious though? Anxiety is not simply nervousness, we are anxious because we feel we deserve something that we aren't getting.
But why be anxious? I used to get anxious about a lot of things--I felt I deserved better grades in school, a better social life, better possessions--but as I matured, I realized that some things will happen in their own time frame. I don't need a brand new computer this minute, or a nice new car next week. I began to realize that if something was meant to happen, then it would happen. There was no forcing it and worrying about it wouldn't make it happen faster. When it happens, it will be perfect.
I'm not always perfect, but I like to think of myself as a chill person now--I try not to worry about the future or be anxious about things that I can't control. True, sometimes I become complacent about things that do deserve more immediate attention, but I have come to realize that there are many things that are out my hands. I do want them, but there is no reason to fret. Forcing the point can often ruin a good thing. If it is going to happen then all the pieces will fall into place.
Some things are just worth waiting for.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Fate and Free Will
There is a purpose to our lives. Each and every person has a different purpose; part of life is figuring it out. The other part is choosing if we are to fufill our purpose, or ignore it. Perhaps I should rephrase--there are purposes to our life. Life doesn't boil down to simply one moment in which fufillment is reached. There are opportunities every day for us to do something that is worthwhile for ourselves and for others. Write a song, make someone who is sad happy again, enjoy a walk on the beach or in the forest with someone. The question is--are these things fate or choice?
They are both.
It almost seems a paradox to believe in both fate and free will, but I do completely. I believe that there are certain things which we are meant to do--that it is in God's plan for us to do; but that doesn't mean that his overarching scheme will be foiled by one person simply ignoring what they were made for. There are multiple pathways that anyone can take to still be within the will of God. Free will is more than just the ability to choose between right and wrong, it is the ability to choose the lifestyle that we want to live.
Life is not simply a train track which goes in one direction and no real meaningful choices can be made--it is a road with different paths where many still lead to the ending that God has meant for us. It is difficult to understand and even more difficult for me to describe. Each choice that we make opens up new doors which in turn open up new choices. This continues on for our whole life. It even brings us back to my Butterfly Effect Post.
An example--Marraige. It is popular belief that there is one person who is made for you and you alone. To me, it is not this simple. I beleive that there are any number of people you can end up with. There is a large percentage of people who meet the person that they marry while in the college age group. While in this age group, people are constantly moving around to go to different schools and taking different classes at these different schools. While I am not one to point at someone else's life and tell them that they are or aren't within the will of God, I do not beleive that God's plan is dependent on such an insignificant factor such as whether or not Psychology 101, or Philosophy 101 was taken. If the girl I was someday to marry was in the same Psychology class that I could have taken, but I decided to take the Philosophy class instead, that path is closed.
I made a choice, not even knowing the potential outcome, and it wasn't necessairily against the will of God. But Say also that I decided not even to go to that school, but to a different one completely, or if I decided to work full time instead of going to school, or I decided to go on a missions trip to another country for a year. There could be a possible marraige partner for me in each of these locations, all of which are within the will of God. I am not trying to promote Poligamy, I am proving that different choices can be made every day which will lead us down different paths. Some choices are wrong choices, but some are perfectly fine, and it is our job to find out which ones are the wrong ones. As for the rest...Well, that's why life is so interesting.
They are both.
It almost seems a paradox to believe in both fate and free will, but I do completely. I believe that there are certain things which we are meant to do--that it is in God's plan for us to do; but that doesn't mean that his overarching scheme will be foiled by one person simply ignoring what they were made for. There are multiple pathways that anyone can take to still be within the will of God. Free will is more than just the ability to choose between right and wrong, it is the ability to choose the lifestyle that we want to live.
Life is not simply a train track which goes in one direction and no real meaningful choices can be made--it is a road with different paths where many still lead to the ending that God has meant for us. It is difficult to understand and even more difficult for me to describe. Each choice that we make opens up new doors which in turn open up new choices. This continues on for our whole life. It even brings us back to my Butterfly Effect Post.
An example--Marraige. It is popular belief that there is one person who is made for you and you alone. To me, it is not this simple. I beleive that there are any number of people you can end up with. There is a large percentage of people who meet the person that they marry while in the college age group. While in this age group, people are constantly moving around to go to different schools and taking different classes at these different schools. While I am not one to point at someone else's life and tell them that they are or aren't within the will of God, I do not beleive that God's plan is dependent on such an insignificant factor such as whether or not Psychology 101, or Philosophy 101 was taken. If the girl I was someday to marry was in the same Psychology class that I could have taken, but I decided to take the Philosophy class instead, that path is closed.
I made a choice, not even knowing the potential outcome, and it wasn't necessairily against the will of God. But Say also that I decided not even to go to that school, but to a different one completely, or if I decided to work full time instead of going to school, or I decided to go on a missions trip to another country for a year. There could be a possible marraige partner for me in each of these locations, all of which are within the will of God. I am not trying to promote Poligamy, I am proving that different choices can be made every day which will lead us down different paths. Some choices are wrong choices, but some are perfectly fine, and it is our job to find out which ones are the wrong ones. As for the rest...Well, that's why life is so interesting.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
The Best Story
What makes good writing? Now, I am not talking about these little blurbs that I post every once in a while, I am talking about stories. Tales. Epics. Legends. While perfectly composed sentences that rhymthicly flow and have depth to them are important in any writing, ultimately, these are not what captivate a reader. It is not the beautiful scenery, a new environment, the words that are used, or a way in which an action sequence is described which makes a story good enough to envelope oneself in. It is not the author's voice, though that can help to change the tone of a story. It is the character that draws us in.
Think about the stories that you find yourself returning to time and time again. True, they may have interesting plotlines, but the authors of these stories have you hooked because they have connected you and the characters. People like to read stories about the underdog defeating the greatest odds. Betrayal because everyone has been betrayed. Love, because everyone wants to be loved. Revenge because everyone has been wronged. Depression because not every day is happy. Aloneness because sometimes even your friends forsake you. Forgiveness because everyone knows that there is someone they have hurt. Reconciliation because there is always someone that you want back in your life. A good story is not about merely events, but about what the characters are going through as they experience these events.
Notice that happiness was not on that list. Happiness is the end goal. We as readers know that our lives are not always happy, so we want to see characters whose lives are not happy. This isn't because misery loves company, but because we know at the end of the story the character will find happiness (for the most part) and that is what we want for ourselves too. We live vicariously through the characters.
New ideas, inventions and environments can help to hook a reader into the story, but these things quickly lose their novelty. What keeps any reader hooked into the story is the connection that they feel with the character. They feel their ups and downs and feel like the character is their friend. They feel hope for the character in his world, desiring that their own world will feel that same hope and victory in the end.
Think about the stories that you find yourself returning to time and time again. True, they may have interesting plotlines, but the authors of these stories have you hooked because they have connected you and the characters. People like to read stories about the underdog defeating the greatest odds. Betrayal because everyone has been betrayed. Love, because everyone wants to be loved. Revenge because everyone has been wronged. Depression because not every day is happy. Aloneness because sometimes even your friends forsake you. Forgiveness because everyone knows that there is someone they have hurt. Reconciliation because there is always someone that you want back in your life. A good story is not about merely events, but about what the characters are going through as they experience these events.
Notice that happiness was not on that list. Happiness is the end goal. We as readers know that our lives are not always happy, so we want to see characters whose lives are not happy. This isn't because misery loves company, but because we know at the end of the story the character will find happiness (for the most part) and that is what we want for ourselves too. We live vicariously through the characters.
New ideas, inventions and environments can help to hook a reader into the story, but these things quickly lose their novelty. What keeps any reader hooked into the story is the connection that they feel with the character. They feel their ups and downs and feel like the character is their friend. They feel hope for the character in his world, desiring that their own world will feel that same hope and victory in the end.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
No Time Left.
I have a bucket list. It's a great invention. Everyone should have some things that they want to do before they kick the bucket. I'm not sure if this list is the sort of thing that should consume all of one's thoughts, time and resources, but that it should be approached more with the attitude, "If it comes my way I will try it." I have done some things that could be considered bucketlist-ish. Skydiving--check. Visit another country--check. (Actually...does Canada even count?) Road Trip to the East Coast from the West Coast--check. There are some things in life that just have to be experienced.
But what if you only had Forty Eight hours to live? No particular reason. No bed-ridden sickness, no gunshot wound to the side, no alien parasite controlling your every move and making you chase other people down to eat them--no inability to do whatever you wanted. You just knew that you were going to die, and there was nothing you could do about it. What would you do?
Now I can only imagine the sorts of things that would appear on other people's bucket lists. Get Drunk. Get high. Punch a total stranger. Have sex with a celebrity. Base jump off the Empire State Building. Rob a bank. Tell someone you love them. Punch a police officer. Fly a plane at Mach 1. Have sex with another celebrity. Finally get 1,000 friends on Facebook. Pie someone in the face. Take a bath in noodles. Throw hundred dollar bills in the air. I have no idea really--I don't particularly care for most of those.
Me? I'm simple. Now to be completely honest, I haven't lived the most exciting life. It hasn't been horribly boring, but exciting doesn't quite describe my daily activities. If I found out that I had 48 hours to live, I probably wouldn't go spend all my money. I wouldn't throw a big party, or do things that I would have regretted if I found out I wasn't going to die afterall. I wouldn't cuss someone out that I had hated for a long time, or go vandalize someone's house that I felt I needed vengeance on. Aside from taking the day off work and refusing to do my laundry, I probably would continue my life exactly as it would have gone. A basketball game. A movie. A nap. What's the point in trying to cram your last few hours so full that you will be so tired by the end of them that they will have become a drudgery? No, I just would want to be comfortable. Eat a big meal and take a nap, hang out with some friends. That's the life.
But what if you only had Forty Eight hours to live? No particular reason. No bed-ridden sickness, no gunshot wound to the side, no alien parasite controlling your every move and making you chase other people down to eat them--no inability to do whatever you wanted. You just knew that you were going to die, and there was nothing you could do about it. What would you do?
Now I can only imagine the sorts of things that would appear on other people's bucket lists. Get Drunk. Get high. Punch a total stranger. Have sex with a celebrity. Base jump off the Empire State Building. Rob a bank. Tell someone you love them. Punch a police officer. Fly a plane at Mach 1. Have sex with another celebrity. Finally get 1,000 friends on Facebook. Pie someone in the face. Take a bath in noodles. Throw hundred dollar bills in the air. I have no idea really--I don't particularly care for most of those.
Me? I'm simple. Now to be completely honest, I haven't lived the most exciting life. It hasn't been horribly boring, but exciting doesn't quite describe my daily activities. If I found out that I had 48 hours to live, I probably wouldn't go spend all my money. I wouldn't throw a big party, or do things that I would have regretted if I found out I wasn't going to die afterall. I wouldn't cuss someone out that I had hated for a long time, or go vandalize someone's house that I felt I needed vengeance on. Aside from taking the day off work and refusing to do my laundry, I probably would continue my life exactly as it would have gone. A basketball game. A movie. A nap. What's the point in trying to cram your last few hours so full that you will be so tired by the end of them that they will have become a drudgery? No, I just would want to be comfortable. Eat a big meal and take a nap, hang out with some friends. That's the life.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
