The End of the world

I kind of hope the world ends on December 21. If it does, there will be so much less I have to worry about. There isn't much to look forward to right now.

A Strong Dislike

I strongly dislike using that one word in this situation. The one that means I really strongly dislike something, but is a level or two up from strongly dislike. It's not that I'm afraid to say it--I say it all the time--but I strongly dislike using it when referring to a person. I don't really think that way about anyone in particular, but I do strongly dislike people in general. Maybe I wouldn't strongly dislike people so much if they changed; I don't think it's the people I strongly dislike so much as the actions that they choose. Now that I think about it, there are some people who I used to strongly dislike that I don't anymore, because they changed.

But then there are the people who haven't changed. I strongly dislike them. The people that I strongly dislike even more than the people who haven't changed, are the people who have changed for the worse. They aren't even on the same playing field as me, but I'm forced to play with them. It's frustrating when people ignore the rules, especially when I play by them. Maybe if I break the rules I won't get penalized either. I kinda wanna go get high, and steal, and break hearts and fuck, use people for my own gain and take what I want when I want it and forgo my responsibilities. They do.

I'm sick of holding my tongue, I'm sick of being nice and doing the right thing. I'm sick of watching my actions so I'm not a hypocrite, and I'm sick of being there for people.

Nobody else holds their tongue, nobody else is nice or does the right thing, nobody else practices what they preach, nobody else is there for me.

I'm not perfect, but I do try to hold my tongue. I try to be nice and do the right thing. I do watch my actions so I'm not a hypocrite. I'm there for people more than they know,  or seem to care. If nobody considers what they do to others, there is no hope for the world. I'm not a faucet, I'm a small cup with only a dribble left to share.

I hate people.

Excuse me. Strongly dislike.

Maybe I'm just an old man jealous of other people's fortune.

Or Maybe I'm jealous of other people's ability to ignore the rules.

Maybe I need to scar my conscience to live in a society with selfish people.

Maybe I'm going to be a hermit. The more I'm around people, the more I'm  disgusted and discouraged.

Maybe I just need to find the right people. Where are you?

It's Pathetic...

...how I've become so apathetic.

Towards everything.

A bummer, really. I need to find passion again. It got crushed and I lost it.

I don't know where to find it anymore--it's not really something I can just go pick up at the store.

I don't even seem to care that I lost it.

Sleep

I love  sleeping. Sleeping feels so good. When I'm tired, and I get to the end of the day, barely pushing on, sometimes I'll take a nap before I go to sleep. I'll take a nap in the morning, in between classes, on the bus to school, at work in the car driving to a job, in class, in the afternoons. The body doesn't function well on not a lot of sleep--it's so necessary.

There have been studies done wherein the subjects were sleep deprived. These people's bodies began to break down much quicker, and they became extremely violent, moody, and in some cases they developed insanity and other mental illnesses.Often I feel like I'm not getting enough sleep. It's nobody's fault but my own of course. Maybe I'm driving myself to insanity.

But getting to a bed after a long day is amazing. You can just fall on the bed, knowing that  it's over and you don't have to stay awake anymore; you can just succumb to the sleep. Of course, sometimes I sleep not because of physical  exhaustion but  emotional exhaustion. I'm sad,  frustrated, lonely and drained, and nothing will fix  it.

Sometimes life is going so badly that I don't want to deal with anything so I sleep more. Less time awake is less time thinking. Less time thinking is less time feeling.

I think I'm going to sleep right  now.

Sleep is my escape.

10,000 hours.

I heard somewhere that to become a master at something, anything, you have to spend 10,000 hours doing it. After 10,000 hours of practice practice practice, it  finally clicks for your mind or your body and you are able to do whatever it is, proficiently. That is 1.14 years  straight  of doing something, no sleeping no eating,  no resting, just doing. That is 4.8 years of working at something for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, 52  weeks  a year. If only I had that kind of free time and dedication.

Have  I ever spent  that much time doing anything? No. Unless you count sleeping. By my brief calculations I've spent close  to 60,000 hours sleeping. I'm definitely a master at sleeping. But I'm not a master at anything else. I've put thousands of hours into reading, writing, video games, school, sports and all  of the other things that I fill my life with, but I've spread them out so much that I'm not a master at any one thing. It's almost disappointing to think that if  I would have figured this out when I was much younger, I could be a professional...something already. Musician. Artist. Sports player. Writer. Skateboarder. Comedian. Unfortunately, I'm not.

I can become good at anything that  I put my mind to. I know it sounds cliche, but it's true. I've  done it before. Unfortunately, there literally isn't enough time in my life to become a master at all of the things I want to master. I have a long list. Maybe I'll knock a few of them out before I grow old and wither away.

Acting

I've taken quite a few acting classes, 4 to be exact. I've learned a lot in regards to theater and how to behave on stage: the way to stand, the way to think, the way to prepare--things people who hadn't acted would never have thought of. It's quite complicated.

Stage acting isn't easy. It's draining. It's tiring. It's a lot of work. It's stressful. But it's exhilarating. I'm not sure why. It's a rush to be up there in front of everyone, doing private things in public places. That's what actors do; we put things that people wouldn't witness in real life out in the open for everyone to see. Maybe that's why some people go to  the  theater; not simply for a laugh, but for a free glimpse into the lives of other people. A longing to see if they aren't alone. And while the characters on the stage may be imaginary with  fake problems, the audience is still seeing a glimpse of the play write's mind nonetheless.

It's kind of funny, my process the day of a show. I'm not nervous  at all when I wake up. I get up and get ready to go to rehearsals. I'm more worried about  forgetting props  than anything. Rehearsals start for  the day. A long day of rehearsals. Whatever. No difficulty keeping down a  meal before the show. T-10  minutes, no problem. My colleagues are pacing and reciting their lines; I'm  sitting bored. One minute to go, heart rate still  steady. Ten seconds, A  yawn perhaps. But the first  step on the stage, the first thing that always goes through my mind "Matt, what the hell are you doing?" That's  the exact same sentence that went through my mind the exact moment I pushed my weight forward and free-fell out of a plane. I can't believe I do this for fun.

If only you could see inside my mind as I act. There is almost nothing going on. It's kind of  an animalistic instinctive feeling--like something is taking over my body. Occasionally I'll get a thought that is my own, but they are few and far between and very brief. Usually the  thought is, "Oh crap, I have no idea what my next line is..." and somehow, whether by muscle memory  or my brain just dredging it up at the very last nano-second, it just  comes rushing out. My mouth says it and I breath a sigh of relief that I didn't ruin the show.

On the stage you can't see anything. The crowd is just a mass of shapes hidden by a blinding light. It's like being in a tinted glass cage where everyone can see in but you can't see out. It's almost easy to forget they are there. Almost. In fact, they aren't supposed to be there. Sure, there are some sketches where the actors interact with the audience or  give them soliloquies, but aside from the rare exception, the audience are viewers  not participants. They are supposed to watch as you make yourself vulnerable. You aren't acting for them, you are acting for your partner. Actually, you aren't acting at all; you are living in someone else's body in their life for those brief moments,  seeing the choices they make and helping them make those choices.

These characters that I take on are people too. It's hard to explain. They are imaginary and short-lived, but they have feelings, a past, hopes, dreams,  depression, and crap that they have to  deal with, just like me. They get bored, frustrated, nervous, curious, confused and angry, fall in love and want revenge--just like me. Sometimes you wonder why these people are doing what they are doing; why they aren't doing what you want--you can't control them though because they make the choices for themselves, even if you don't think  they are the best choices. Sometimes you want to scream at them "What were you thinking! I don't understand you and I want  to!" but it's useless because they just don't get it and they don't care what you think. It sucks to invest so much time and energy into someone who doesn't get it, doesn't care, and for all practical purposes won't exist in a little while. At the same time, I can be any of them and not worry about what someone thinks about what they say or do because it's not  ME saying it--it's them. It's difficult to surrogate for them, but a privilege.

Looking back, I'm still not sure why I act. I'm not doing it for fame, and  I don't get  paid.

Perhaps even through all the difficulties, it's just easier to be someone  else with all their crap than to be myself.

Or maybe it's easier to walk in someone else's shoes than my own. I don't think anyone could play me.

Being A Creeper

I do have to keep telling myself this, but: No, I'm not a creeper. Of course, who really thinks they are a creeper? It takes a really creepy person to acknowledge that they are a creeper, and then not care. Anyway, the point is: everyone has some creepy qualities that they probably don't think about, but other people look at and think...eew. To you and me, our habits are normal, but sometimes we need an outside eye to show us where to draw the line.

I first realized it last week after reading a novel for class. In the novel, "40 Signs of Rain" there is a character who sees a woman who he thinks would be a suitable mate for reproduction (he thinks this because he sees she has strong legs that would be ideal for outrunning predators on the savanna--I kid you not) so he follows her for a while. He didn't even have any intentions on his mind, he just wanted to follow her. He follows her so long that eventually they end up in an elevator together alone. If you want to know what happens next you'll have to read it.

Anyway, When reading this scene in the book, I didn't really think much of it. I kind of read it just like another plot point and continued. I was surprised, however, to get to class and find the teacher making such a huge deal about what a creeper this guy was. I guess when you stop and think about it--it is a little bit strange to go out of your way to follow someone that you've never met, just because you think they are attractive. On the other hand, I'm not sure if it's any less creepy to follow someone  that you DO know. The point was--I just read through it and didn't find it creepy until someone else pointed it out to me; it made me wonder what some creepy habits I might have that go unnoticed. 

I can't say that I've actually ever followed someone random down the street, let alone get in an elevator with them, but I think my biggest catalyst to creepiness would be Facebook. I'm not even sure how it starts. I might be on the "people you may know" page, or see a picture of someone who looks familiar on a friends profile, and then I'll click it. And then I'll check out some of their pictures, and see another familiar name or face and before you know it, I've found the profile of some random person in Iowa and I'm reading their quote wall, or trying to figure out their religious beliefs, political preferences, and their hobbies. I'll never message them, or meet them, or even see them, but I think I just like finding out about people.

I know that when we look at ourselves, we tend to let certain flaws or characteristics slide as opposed as when we judge others. Well, with some things I judge myself more harshly, but that is a general rule of thumb.  Maybe I do need to tighten up the bolts on my creepiness before it gets out of hand and someone notices. 

But anyway, I guess it comes down to it. I'm a creeper.