Conflict and Reconciliation

I tend to be the peacemaker amongst my friends. This isn't only because I have the physical ability to hold one of them back if need be to prevent physical harm to the other, but because I tend to understand both sides of a situation fairly well. (If I am uninvolved in the argument of course. Even I get hot headed sometimes!) Lots of people come to me for advice, and/or expect me to help them diffuse a lot of problematic situations. I can't count the number of times that I have literally stood between two people yelling and screaming at each other, trying to help them work out their differences.

Problems can range from video games, to girls, to sports, to poker, to ordering pizza--guys argue about some of the stupidest things, and it can escalate quickly from three guys sitting on a couch, too lazy to get up for a soda, into a near fist fight.

After all my time involved in mediating arguments, there are a few conclusions that I have come to:

Deal with it quickly. There is no point in harboring resentment and angry feelings towards your friends any longer than you have to. True, maybe confronting them about the situation will be a slightly uncomfortable for a while, but in the end it is better that you work it out quicker. Don't run away, work it out or the pressure will build and lasting damage could occur. True, it may be wise to let the hot feelings of anger fizzle out a little bit so you don't say hurtful things to your friends that you will later regret. However, it isn't good to stew on something that is bothering you. Who knows--maybe the other person doesn't even know that you are angry at them, and you are letting your insides get all twisted up for no reason!

Understanding is better than yelling. There are two sides to every story and two opinions to every argument. Sometimes conflicts arise because of true differences between what two people expect, but more often than not, they arise because of miscommunication. You are more likely to defuse an argument by listening to the other person's perspective on the situation than having a yelling contest to make sure they hear what you have to say. Even if you think you know what they are going to say, it will make them feel so much better about themselves in that you actually value what they are trying to say, and sometimes you can actually learn something about them!

On a side note, one thing that I have noticed is that, after guys fight, they are totally over it. There is no more drama--even enemies can be friends after the stress is released. Girls, however, tend to harbor anger for years on end and never let go of their thoughts of revenge. Girl fights are nasty.

In the end, the relationship will be stronger after an argument is resolved. Fighting isn't necessairly bad if it is dealt with in the correct way. Most people judge relationships by how many conflicts occur and think that if you have tons of conflicts all the time--it is bad. Sure, the end result in a perfect world is that two people will understand each other so completely that there is no need for conflict whatsoever--but we don't live in a perfect world. There are going to be conflicts, and imperfections, and anger and frusturation in any relationship. Suck it up and work it out--if the kinks are worked out, the relationship will have lasted so much longer and be so much stronger in the end.

Fitting In

I have always been an outcast. I am not just saying this because I think that cliques are a way for insecure people to hide in the masses. While cliques are this, I think that cliquing is a natural part of human society--we gravitate towards people who are similar to us, and shun those who are different. Ok, perhaps outcast is a strong word. I don't think that I have ever been really hated by someone, but at the same time, I don't feel like I have ever belonged anywhere. Anywhere. (If you hate me and are reading this, then you suck for hating me.) Of course there are the people who I tended to avoid because they were just straight up jerks, but instead of talking about them, let us float back in time to an era many many years ago; Elementary School.

I attended an elementary school for 2 years which was called Kellogg School. Looking back at the friends that I made while at Kellogg school, I can see now that they were all the people who would be popular in highschool; all the jocks and all the skaters, all the people who had all the fun and got all the girls. We would spend our recesses playing sports on the fields, and handball on the asphault. Halfway through elementary school, I switched schools to attend Brandon School. The friends that I made at this school were the kids who were generally associated with the nerd crowd. The smart kids. We would spend recesses reading books (Yes, I was one of those kids), or playing make beleive stories on the jungle gym, or playing chess.

Now we reach Junior High and Highschool. These weren't exactly amazing experiences for me. I didn't dread waking up in the morning, but I also wasn't looking forward to spending six hours in stuffy rooms with my peers who were all trying to figure out who they were at the cost of other people's wellbeing. I wasn't friendless, but I wasn't someone who everyone was itching to be around. I didn't belong to any single crowd; I was a floater. Some lunches would be spent throwing the frisbee with the frisbee kids, and some would be spent balling with the ballers. Some would be spent talking about books and movies in the library with the nerds, and some would be spent talking about skateboarding with the skaters.

Now, this has given me a valuable perspective on cliques that most people don't tend to see because they stick to their own group, but there is a downside. People see me, and go "There is the Nerd, or the Skater, or the Jock, or the Smart guy...", but they don't actually know all of me. The skaters all think im a nerd, and the nerds all think I'm a jock, and the jock's all think Im a skater. I guess the one crowd that I never fit into was the cheerleading crowd. We all knew I wasn't one of them.

This led to a situation wherein I was incorrectly identified as a member of another group that was not the group that I was being identified by. If that doesn't make sense, think of it like this. To the Jocks I was too smart and not athletic enough, to the Skaters I was too preppy and not punk enough, and to the Nerds I was too popular and not smart enough, to the Christians I had too many non-christian friends and said bad words sometimes, and to the non-christians, I went to Christian Club too often and was a goody-two-shoes. I spent just enough time with each group to be associated by other groups as from a different group, but not enough time to become proficient in any acitivity or be fully associated with one group. To me, I was just well rounded. To everyone else, I was un-noticed. Average.

People tend to distance themselves from other people who they percieve to be too different, as a defense mechanism. This has led to a situation where, in the process of my trying to identify with lots of different types of people, I have been distanced from all of them. I am just 'that guy' who lots of people recognize, but nobody really KNOWS. They figure that I am alright at what they do, but that I must be better at something else. So even though they never see me doing that thing, they always associate me with that because they see me hanging out with people who arent them. I have spent so much time diversifying my skills and friends that all my skills are average and my relationships are superficial. People see that they and I aren't very close, so they assume that I am close with the other people.

By my age, most people have decided how they want other people to see them. They dress nice so people think they are wealthy and educated. They drive a truck so people think they are rugged. They ride a skateboard so people think they are rebels. They dress or decorate themselves a certain way so people think they are progressive. I do all of these things, and none of these things. I don't think that I will every truly fit into a single group. Maybe sometimes I will feel alone and depressed because of it, but at the same time, I will never have limited myself into being one type of person. I don't have to worry about the way I dress, or the words I say, or the car I drive because I am already dissasociated from everyone anyway. I can be who I want to be. Who I am.

I am my own group.

Spiders

I was in my back yard the other day, taking a nap in the warm sun. True...it is nearing mid-November but this fact doesn't stop the weather where I live from being 75 degrees without a cloud in the sky. I like it that way. So anyway, I was sitting on this nice reclining chair that I have in my backyard, my eyes getting heavier and heavier, when I happen to glance straight up at a plane going overhead. It was a rather loud plane and in my mind I was pretending to shoot it down because it had woke me up out of that 'nearly asleep' state. I might have even made a "pew pew" noise with my mouth for effect. As it passed overhead, my eyes refocused on this thing in between me and the sky. A fat spider. Huge. Gross. Hairy. Orange. I got out of the chair very quickly, and was certainly wide awake.

Now I keep it no secret that I'm not exactly a fan of spiders. I would even go so far as to say that I have slight arachnophobia. I mean, sure, I have been around long enough to realize that little spiders aren't going to come hunting for me just so they can bite me and give me welts and/or kill me with their venom, but I still don't like them in close proximity to me. The more I think about it, the more I realize that it's not the fact of seeing a spider that truly scares me. I start to get freaked out when I have just seen it a couple minutes ago, and when I look back, it's gone.

Like I was saying, this happened a couple days ago, and I went back into my yard today. I remembered that there was a spider, so I went to go check to see if it was still there. To my great relief, it was. Literally in the exact same spot as before. The only evidence that it had ever moved was that there was some unlucky insect all wound up in the web, the juices no doubt sucked from him already. I like to think about nature and animal instincts and such, (Yes, even spiders)so I began to ponder the spider's life.

She is born. She makes a web. Sits there for a while. Sits there some more. Catches a bug. Remakes the web. Catches another bug. Sits there some more. Sits there some more. And Some more. And some more. Other than the fact that they might chase me around sometimes, or get eaten by birds--I really couldn't think of anything else that spiders do. Sure, I know that they are an important part of our ecosystem because they take care of pests, etc. etc. blah blah, but after I realized that those few things were all that the spider's life consisted of, I felt kind of depressed. After it makes a web, it kind of just sits around doing literally nothing for twenty three hours and fifty five minutes per day. It uses the other 5 to feed.

Are spiders content to just sit there and wait all day doing nothing until it eats? I know my dog isn't content to do that, and neither am I. I guess I am just happy that there is more to my life than eating and sleeping. Don't get me wrong, I love both those things, but to quote Hamlet, "What is a man if his chief good and market of his time be but to sleep and feed? A beast, no more..." I kinda feel like I should be living with a little bit extra excitement, just for all the spiders who have to sit around doing nothing, just waiting for their food all day.

Video Games

Video games used to play a huge part in my life. When I woke up, the first thing I did was turn on my computer so I could start off the day with a nice little gaming session. Depending on my schedule, I would play throughout the day then end up sitting at my computer at night, playing until I felt too tired to go on. I would then dream about the video games and wake up and repeat the whole process.

At my peak, I was probably playing for three to four hours per day on average. Yea, thats a huge number when I look back on it, but it didn't seem like it at the time. (I don't feel TOO bad because some of my friends have told me they spent an average of fourty hours per week playing video games.) Of course, it wasn't three hours EVERY day, some days it was one hour and some days it was twenty four hours.

In my Competitiveness blog, I breifly mention about chemicles in the brain making us feel good when we accomplish something. Video games are no different. Well, it is different in the fact that we aren't actually accomplishing anything when we accomplish something. Our brain makes us feel good about winning in something that doesn't even exist. This is one reason it is so addicting. You can literally gain self-satisfaction by doing next to nothing physically.

When I discovered video games, I realized that I was pretty darn good at them compared to most other people. The video games that I played required me to use my mind, and my mind would adjust to the scope of the video game for optimum performance. In games where I had to shoot people, I would learn the layout of the maps and plan out multiple attack paths. I became a virtual effecient killing machine. In games where I had to build a city, I would find the optimal way to build my city while also defending it from my enemy and destroying his city by excellent control of my army. I became a tactical mastermind and general.

I think that one draw of video games besides the competition is the fact that it allows us to use our imagination. When I play a video game, I don't play the "go to school" game, or the basketball or soccer games. I can do all that stuff in real life. I play the games where I can shoot aliens and blow buildings up. It gives us a sense of power, and also makes us feel like our life is more interesting than it really is.

I used to think that I loved video games, but as I have gotten older, I realize that I played them because that is what my friends did. We tend to take on the characteristics and hobbies of our friends because having things to do in common brings people closer. Sure, I still enjoy them, but not as much as I used to. I have learned that video games will always be there. You don't need to spend so many consecutive hours playing them because it isn't going to get up and walk away. I would rather do things in person with my friends. I am at a point where if I am playing a video game and my friend calls me to do something, I will just drop it because I know it will still be there in two hours; saved games are helpful.

I haven't completely kicked video games, but I am at a different stage in my life now. I don't play them because I think about it all day, I play them as a space filler when there is nothing else to do. As more and more of my friends start dropping away from video games, I found that I am doing the same because there is no longer anyone to compete with. I realize that I am sitting at my computer not because I want to, but because I am waiting for something better to come along. I am looking for more interesting things to do in my life, and when they come, I will take them on with the same vigor that I lent to video games.

Little Kids

I like children. Particularly the ones that are old enough to run, but haven't yet entered school. This isn't to say that I hate babies and all little kids who have reached kindergarten; they just aren't optimal. There is a simplicity that emanates from kids this age which gives me joy. They are old enough to understand what is going on around them, but young enough to still be naive. It makes me forget that there are bad things in the world and that I have problems that need to be taken care of. Sure, there are the little kids who are super grimy all the time, have the boogers dripping down their noses, and the super long, dirty nails that they are always scratching you with--but their mindset is simple. Here. Now. Fun.

Of course, this is not a mindset that works for the rest of one's life. Maturity must be reached to realize that you have to prepare for the future, and you can't always be having fun; this ideology works really well for little kids though. It gives them innocence.

They aren't worried about what you think of them, they don't think bad of you if your tongue slips on a sentence, of if you are rolling around on the ground with them getting dirt on your clothes. They don't even notice if you are dressed differently than is fashionable, or look a little strange compared to everyone else. They just want to have fun, and they haven't yet experienced the knife of betrayal or the taint of societal norms. Everyone is their friend and they trust everyone.

Kids who have reached kindergarten aren't so naive anymore. They realize that they have to compete for attention and resources, and that there are some things which are inappropriate to do to other people. Important lessons, yes, but the competition turns into a mini-gang war where cliques and outcasts are formed. They start to purposefully do mean things to each other, and this is cultivated by the messages in movies that kids are seeing earlier and earlier. They try too hard to act like adults when they should just enjoy their young years. Adults have to make hard decisions, little kids shouldn't.

I'm not sure why, but little kids always seem to gravitate towards me. I don't see what it is that makes kids want to be around me, but they do. I'm not particularly smiley all the time, and I don't always carry candy around in my pockets. Even if I did, I still wouldn't share it. It could be the age that I am right now. Maybe there is something intuitive inside them that sees me and says, "Look, there is a big person. Big people know what life is about, but this one--he isn't as grumpy as all the other big people. He still knows how to have fun. He is like me."

It's a bummer because once they grow up some more, experience work, pain, sickness, rejection and betrayal, they will begin to harden. Suddenly, they begin to judge you and your actions. These things aforementioned are necessary for growth in life, but even I am still losing a little bit more innocence every day. I wish it wasn't so.

Sacrifice

I feel like the true meaning of this word is lost on military cliches, chess strategies, and murmurs of ancient Aztec rituals. There is something more.

This definition, taken verbatim from the dictionary reads, "The surrender or destruction of something prized or desirable for the sake of something considered as having a higher or more pressing claim." Even though this is an accurate description of the word, It lacks something. It is rather impersonal; it lacks intimacy, passion and heart. It rightly describes the action, but isn't descriptive enough of the one making the sacrifice.

The act of sacrifice is an act of love. Giving up something desired or loved in return for a greater love, a better future, or sometimes...nothing. Sometimes sacrifice is about preparing for your own future, but sometimes sacrifice is about making sure the ones you love will be taken care of, even if they never know the deeds that were done. True, this is a worthy cause of "pressing claim", but it has nothing to do with the person making the sacrifice. It is a sacrifice wherin the reward is gained by another at the cost of oneself. A reward that might even be rejected or misunderstood. This is true love.

Some children will never understand the things that their parents who love them do for them. The hours they work, the cut-backs they make, the time they commit. Some friends will never know the things that their friends did for them. They will never know the selfless acts that were done with no thought of reward or even recognition for their deeds. Acts which tore their heart as they were done, but were done whole-heartedly nonehteless. They will sometimes not understand, and sometimes not even know.

True sacrifice is about the sacrificer making sure that the person they love can have the best life possible. Sacrifice doesn't always have a personal reward, sometimes it is truly selfless. But who looks after those who sacrifice something prized, something loved so much, for the well-being of those they care about?

Competitiveness

One thing that I have noticed after twenty two years of life, is that males are very competitive. Some are more passive in their competitiveness, but for the most part, every guy is willing to step up to protect their dignity--some perhaps too aggressively.

When looking back on some moments in my life--my friends and I have argued over the stupidest things. "I am older than you, I am taller than you, I can play this video game better than you, I ate more than you, I am sicker than you are, I can run faster than you, I can jump higher than you..." The list goes on. After I proved all of them wrong, there was nothing for my friends to do except argue with me more, and make excuses about why they would be better. Obviously, the fact that they hurt their ankle, or they had a headache, or they had just eaten an hour ago made the competition unfair.

Sure, there is a healthy amount of competition that makes life interesting. When I play games or sports with friends who don't actually try, it is boring! When we win at something, our brain releases chemicles that make us feel good about ourselves. When you know in the back of your mind that your win was a fluke, you don't get those good chemical-y feelings. However, there is also such a thing as too competitive. When you are willing to break rules, hurt feelings, and physically hurt your friends just to assert your dominance over them, a step needs to be taken back and a deep breath taken.

I saw some animal in myself tonight, and I was rather shocked. I'm not exactly one of the super-aggressive people who will stop at nothing just to win. Yes, I am very competitive, but I'm pretty good at knowing where to draw the line. Some friends wanted to box, and I, being the intelligent, cool-headed one of the group, declined the invitation of a bloody nose, fat lip, and sore jaw. I did, however, show up just to watch the fights, and get some social interaction and entertainment. Five minutes after showing up, some jeers and name calling from my peers forced me to take action. I found myself in the ring with a pair of gloves on my hands, taking full advantage of my friends' faces.

Sure, some very unlucky things would have had to happen for someone to get extremely hurt, but after landing quite a few good hits on someone's face who was a little bit smaller than me, I didn't feel too good about myself. He challenged me whole-heartedly, and definitely wouldn't have given me any grace, but I still felt bad. Even after beating someone else who had a significant weight advantage on me, I still felt bad because he wasn't someone who I would normally fight with or even want to hit. We just found ourselves together in the ring, at odds with each other, and our animalistic natures took over.

What drives people to be so competitive over the smallest things? In a few words--people want other people to like them. Guys want girls to notice how good they are at physical things because that means they make good gene mixers, and guys want other guys to see how good they are at everything because then they can assert their alpha male dominance. People want to be noticed and for others to see that they are worth something. It is good to have talents and be better at some things than others, but think about it--what good is arguing over something that doesn't matter in the long run? Try competing about things that matter; it makes you feel a lot better about yourself when you win.